pushing on

Yesterday, we did our first company presentation.

Impressively shitting ourselves, we did a good job for the first time. I think.
Right until the time someone at the boardroom table said, “Blogs hey...Have you guys heard of Peas On Toast?”

Gulp.

I'm a professional here. I've painted my nails three times, put an impressive face on, and am wearing a power suit.
I blush. Crusoe points at me.

“Oh hello. (Thanks dude) Um, yes, that's me.”

But the presentation resumed as planned, and I was just thankful I didn't write something like, God, I sucked so much dick last night, I have lockjaw. And I'm presenting today to a boardroom of skeptical corporates. I just hope they don't see the stretchmarks at the corners of my mouth, the night before before we strode in there.

I was nervous, but now – out of the darkness comes light. I think I can do this. I also think I can do it well after a few times.

Lately I've been unbelievably depressed, so I've been doing the following just to distract myself from imagining a bus running me over:

1)Focusing on the tiniest of pleasures, like the taste of a good piece of biltong in my mouth, or how a good piece of Norwegian salmon dissolves like rose petals on my tongue.
2)Painting my nails feverishly, about 12 times a day, fire engine red. I paint, then paint again, then take it off. Then I paint, and again, then take it off. I think I'm fucked in the koppel.
3)Scrubbing my body madly in the shower/bath with a loofah all over. Scrubbing away helps the pain and frustration.
4)I take comfort in that at any one time, I can cash in my pension fund and leave the country. Which I fantasise about on a daily basis, to the point where I'm standing at the airport, staring at my boarding pass and heading to a place where no one will find me or hurt me.

I hate feeling so shit. There's nothing worse than thinking you're the only person in the world who battles not to cry her eyes out everyday.
But I see light! It's in the form of Durban, palm trees, kick ass presentations and our business starting to roll. (We do another presentation today.)

I doth not worry too much – things will swing up. They have to. The pendulum says so.