Thursday, July 05, 2007

pushing on

Yesterday, we did our first company presentation.

Impressively shitting ourselves, we did a good job for the first time. I think.
Right until the time someone at the boardroom table said, “Blogs hey...Have you guys heard of Peas On Toast?”

Gulp.

I'm a professional here. I've painted my nails three times, put an impressive face on, and am wearing a power suit.
I blush. Crusoe points at me.

“Oh hello. (Thanks dude) Um, yes, that's me.”

But the presentation resumed as planned, and I was just thankful I didn't write something like, God, I sucked so much dick last night, I have lockjaw. And I'm presenting today to a boardroom of skeptical corporates. I just hope they don't see the stretchmarks at the corners of my mouth, the night before before we strode in there.

I was nervous, but now – out of the darkness comes light. I think I can do this. I also think I can do it well after a few times.

Lately I've been unbelievably depressed, so I've been doing the following just to distract myself from imagining a bus running me over:

1)Focusing on the tiniest of pleasures, like the taste of a good piece of biltong in my mouth, or how a good piece of Norwegian salmon dissolves like rose petals on my tongue.
2)Painting my nails feverishly, about 12 times a day, fire engine red. I paint, then paint again, then take it off. Then I paint, and again, then take it off. I think I'm fucked in the koppel.
3)Scrubbing my body madly in the shower/bath with a loofah all over. Scrubbing away helps the pain and frustration.
4)I take comfort in that at any one time, I can cash in my pension fund and leave the country. Which I fantasise about on a daily basis, to the point where I'm standing at the airport, staring at my boarding pass and heading to a place where no one will find me or hurt me.

I hate feeling so shit. There's nothing worse than thinking you're the only person in the world who battles not to cry her eyes out everyday.
But I see light! It's in the form of Durban, palm trees, kick ass presentations and our business starting to roll. (We do another presentation today.)

I doth not worry too much – things will swing up. They have to. The pendulum says so.

45 comments:

Betenoir said...

...there's always the pension fund. But don't worry: things will definitely be on the upswing soon, and you'll look back and go "what the heck was I worried about?".

Well, that's the theory.

Nic said...

Peas, this is a bit of a content question: Is there a possibility now that your business life will influence your blogging life and vice versa?

You said in the this post you were thankful for not having blogged certain things the night before, that could easily become a habit, not blogging things for fear of business backlash...

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - let's hope, man, I really hope so!

Nic - Yes, I believe it can. Thing is, my business is about blogging. But not personal blogging. And whatever I say herein is strictly personal. I know that everyone out there has a personal life too, so it actually doesn't bug me at all. What I am selling is not personal. I don't believe it would affect or have a backlash on what I am trying to achieve professionally. In fact, it could possibly aid it. I suppose time will tell!

Sheena said...

I think there must be summing in the air. Only yesterday I did a post on depression.

That shit sucks ass, I tell you!

Hope you feel skippier soonish.

kyknoord said...

Last year, I used feel shit all the time. Now I just buy a better brand of toilet paper. Problem sorted!

Peas on Toast said...

Sheena -can we cry together? That way we can at least wallo in misery together. xx

Kyk - I heard three-ply is the shizzle.

Anonymous said...

It's the winter that makes you depressed. I think it's called seasonal depression. And if you pack your bags and move to Europe, you can look forward to having it for 8 months of the year and being addicted to a Philips Bright Light just to get through the day without bawling your eyes out.

Poor Peas. Chin up till September!

ChewTheCud said...

Scrub the pain away? It's a short step towards Self Mutilation. Pick a spot that no-one's gonna see hun, but don't you dare cut those legs of yours ;)

Durban in one more day. You'll survive.

hot pink flush said...

hey babe

haven't commented in ages, because I have had nothing to say.
but I know how you feel.
It's ok. This too shall pass. I swear it.
And I know to you it's kinda normal now, but I gotta say it, props for putting your personal stuff out there in such a big way. It's a daily act of courage, particularly if you KNOW (as opposed to suspect) that your work colleagues (or soon to be colleagues) are reading it on a daily basis.
You're a very brave woman adn I admire that.
x

8Ball said...

Mornin'

Okay I'm confused. Depression, in general, confuses me. Although I am acutely aware that the last thing anybody needs when depressed is a pep talk, I'm going to give you one anyway :)

You, Ms Toast, are becoming a little mini-celebrity. And even more powerfully, you're doing it by sheer force of personality. It must be such a rush to know that thousands of people not only identify with you, but love you for the way you express yourself. And you do it by simply using words. I dig it.

As for the rest of your life - you said it yourself, your business is starting to run, your love life is on the upswing.....
looks-wise, apparently even as a goth you're pretty cute, and I must agree with the FF on your lower limbs...definitely worthy of the facebook appreciation group :)
So why, pray tell, the fuck are you depressed?

In Durban...dress up all pretty, show off your legs, bet on Pocket Power, and have an extra tequila..

Okay, enough preaching, I know it doesn't really help you, but I feel better :)

Much love

Heddles said...

Peas my little china, what you need is some ryperd in Durbs. You go and have an absolute cracker.

And congrats on your launch!

Revolving Credit said...

So you're using biltong as a temporary substitute??

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oooh hectic, you may be right. I need one of those lamp goodies that people in Seattle use...

Chew - lol, no - just getting a good old exfoliation and getting my circulation going, I swear :)

Hot Pink - thanks babe. I just can't not show my real feelings. I wish I could be more hidden, but this is my space to show how I really feel. It has always been that space.

8Ball - ah thanks my dear! Yeah, lovelife NOT on the upswing babe, but I suppose I have some new focuses now, so I'm not completely in the doldrums of distress. But thanks for your kind words m'dear.

heddles - thanks babe! Yeah, riding a horse might not be such a bad idea!

Rev - I chow a shitload of biltong generally. Those snack pack things? I'll pull them out of my bag anytime, any place. Now it's just to actually enjoy them.

Revolving Credit said...

So you like tugging on a good piece of meat!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah...like a good little vegetarian! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Wait, let me guess....'but she sure likes a bone'

Left you a little present which may help you with some problems you seem to be having.

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha Rev - I wish!
(Actualy, on second thought...I don't wish...poor bitch! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Check my response

AnArChY AnGeL said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AnArChY AnGeL said...

Brilliant!

AnArChY AnGeL said...

god dammit! help! i feel stupid, this is not working!!!!

Jam said...

Things ALWAYS swing up when they've been down. Paint your nails a REALLY happy colour next time... like binnepoespienk.

Peas on Toast said...

Anarchy angel - it's working babe :)

Jam - once the Ant pianted hers this shocking pink (hmm...much like this template), and said, "Isn't this very...Edenvale?"
:)

Peaches said...

You know it will get better lady!

And you get to go to the July and enjoy all the booze and random gropes fuelled carnage that goes with it! Proper!

Peas on Toast said...

Peaches - I'm almost terrified for the July, and the mayhem that is to ensue. :)

Jam said...

Mmmhmmm - good point...or maybe like - PTA or something. No worries. Consider it a personality shift..

Anonymous said...

Send me your bloody address i cant take this anymore i am going to buy the fucking book and post it too you!!
You are so sad and it just makes me want to cry!! Eat Pray Love by elizabeth Gilbert....I PROMISE YOU!!!

Not your friend anymore if you dont go to exclusive book PRONTO

Wanting to give you a hug! XXX000
Max

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - ha ha, maybe I should go for...yellow? ;)

Max - ha ha, thanks for the reminder babe, yes to Exclusive I go - this had better be good. :) Thanks for your hugs. xx

Chester Pillow said...

This post has been removed by the author.

Sheena said...

ag no man! i want to know what the 'removed' posts were all about!

were they that bad?

Peas on Toast said...

Sheena - me too! We'd need to ask Chester, he removed it!

Dolce said...

Hey Peas...you feeling better yet. I find, when I'm feeling particularly kak, that doing something totally new helps. Plan a trip to a place you've never been (that doesn't require a boarding card) or take a tango class or help out at a shelter one evening...anything.

Ag. What do i know. I only do that stuff when I've run out of nail polish!

Peas on Toast said...

Dloce - sound advice there for sure! I am in a rut, and it's half the problem. My next lavish holiday is in September (to the Seychelles - yippeee), but I'm sure I can last till then. So perhaps I shall forge a new hobby. Thanks babe. x

Revolving Credit said...

Peas & Doll, have you girls tried sniffing some of this nail polish when you're feeling a bit down?

Just a thought!

Peas on Toast said...

I heard the headache is worse than a hangover. What say you?

Revolving Credit said...

Well, don't drink it, try just sniffing it????

Peas on Toast said...

I heard that's worse. Because at least if I drank it, I could sieve it through bread like the rest of the Cape Flats.

Revolving Credit said...

Try sniffing it through a croissant??

Peas on Toast said...

...or, I could attend a whiskey evening - on them - and warm up the classy way.

Ooh, look at my diary! It would appear I have one of those tonight!
How coincidental. :)

Dolce said...

Snortin' it ain't fun either. Especially quick dry!

And damn you, and your whisky tasting china! I've got to drive into the booneys for bookclub.

*gnaws wrists*

Revolving Credit said...

As a gesture of solidarity, I too will go and imbibe a few drams of whiskey this fine evening!

Peas on Toast said...

Dolce - enjoy dear! And drink lots and lots and lots of wine....:)

ev - Solidarity! We should start a union! Power to the people!

Revolving Credit said...

If it's got to do with whiskey drinking, how does 'The Spawn of Tartan' grab you?

Anonymous said...

hi peas. saw this site in the cosmo. think your great and im totally hooked. i log in on my phone everyday.....your life makes mine seem so boring. thnx for being my highlight everyday -c.r- p.e

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie - somethink [sic] like that...

Anon - thanks man, you little beeyooty! :)