Tuesday, August 28, 2007

because..stalking dad will help

'Twould seem mental fucked upness is the order of the week.
My father's and my relationship has suddenly hit a new level of strangeness.

I have become his dating counsellor.

Perhaps he thinks I'm an expert in serial monogamy (which isn't completely irrational, let's face it). But dad now asks me for dating advice.

It's flattering and I suppose it means he views me an adult now, not just his little girl. It's still a bit odd though, telling him what to do in order to seal a deal.

However. I got an interesting call over the weekend from one of the women who has taken a distinctly Fatal Instinctesque liking to my father. So much so, she's literally gone psycho. Or perhaps she always was. But, she found my number on his phone and called me after too many drinks at the pub, clearly.

Mad as a Hatter, wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, although I certainly tried: Listen, he's not responsible for you. And telling me you had an argument with him and you want to kill him isn't what I want to hear, lady.

Psycho babble persists.

I phoned my level-headed uncle with some consternation, because dad had obviously switched his phone off at this point.

Nut jobs. I'm talking deranged lunacy here. If there's one thing I can't teach dad it seems, it's avoiding nut jobs. This wouldn't be the first time, might I add.
I have had interesting calls from one of mum's wayward lovers before too.
The fun and games never end in this family.

When my mum was creaming the dating scene, one man used to phone me at all hours of the morning, after a few too many whiskeys, expressing his undying love for my mother. It ended badly and sadly.

It's odd being phoned by people nuttier than a fruitcake who have the hots for my parents.

It's even odder being the one telling it to them as it is: “I'm sorry, but I just can't help you.” And that's when they're actually listening, because usually they're flying off the handle.

Just another day in the life of Mr O'Toast. He'd better get his new dog 'Norman' after all, and make sure it's a Rottweiler.

I'm feeling bleak at the moment. This, spending yesterday in bed with excruciating cramps, being slightly broke, and feeling a bit ugly, fat and bloated, I suppose, doesn't help.


GVWR said...

Stalk her back. At inconvenient hours.

Peas on Toast said...

gvwr - That's a flipping fantastic idea! I think after a few drinks tonight I'll do just that!

Now to get my psycho babble perfect...

PS: Love this!

Mel said...

At least that way when you're speed-dialling at all hours of the night/morning you won't wake thinking "oh God what did I do..."

Peas on Toast said...

Mel - fantastic plan. Instead of loser's complex the next day I'll have an inflated feeling of grandiose.

This could change my life.

I can't wait for later.

Revolving Credit said...

So you're broke, why not batchelor auction your dad off to his lady friends??

He'll like the attention and in-fighting and you'll make some cash and solve the whole advice situation.

Advice: 'Lady, if you want him, pay up!!'

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - like money-launder him off as his pimp?

This gets better and better.

When I stalk his stalker: "Listen woman, talk all you want, but it's a grand a date. NO MONEY, NO HONEY. Got that??"

Revolving Credit said...

Is there an official term for pimping your family???

Panderer = pimp
Pater = father

Panterer = pimping your dad!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Pantera, is quite coincidentally, a death metal band.

SheBee said...

I am freezing this morning, Jeez!

Rent - my - dad.... maybe you should advertize this on wibble, Peas!

Revolving Credit said...

Well, pantera is Italian for Panther.

Hey isn't panter, like heavy-breather!

Revolving Credit said...

MMmm....does Dial-a-Dad sound a bit too sleazy??

SheBee said...

Hmmm, I dunno, you might get desperate orphan girls calling in for a fathe rfigure...

Hey, do you ever get flack from your mates for writing about them? I just got an uit-kak-paraad from someone, even tho I used a nickname.

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee & Rev - HAHAHA, Dial-a-Dad?

Oh my God, the poor orphans!

("I'm afraid he's not for sale...no. But I can rent him out for a few hours? Do with him what you will.")

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, have you seen that Zuzula's blogs is now for invited guests only? WTF?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - WTF? "Access Denied."
I was on it two days ago!
Hmmmph. An email is on it's way!

Peas on Toast said...

She doesn't love us anymore!


What's happening...what's happening?

Revolving Credit said...

Didn't she meet some boy recently?
Maybe she's reserving the blog for surreptitious on-line liaisons.

Revolving Credit said...

Has she read/replied to your email??

Peas on Toast said...

Yip, she's just met a new dude. Maybe this just has something to do with this?

No reply as yet...:(

Revolving Credit said...

If you're bored, go check my latest post.
Now, pimp that!!

ThomG said...

Wow. Here in my fucked up life, I can't top that. No way, no how. You could always pimp for your parents. Make some merriment, make some cash. Just don't give out your mobile number. Ever.

Insane Insomniac said...

At least your dad has not decided to marry the psycho.
At Least he hasn't moved her and her spawn of satan into your home.
At least...er, ok, lost for a third, but there is the silver lining called DATING.
Let's make sure Mr O'Toast keeps it that way. For your sanity at least.