Wednesday, August 22, 2007

catastrophe

Mr 747 is sick. Stop the Earth rotating on its axis please, we have a sick man on our hands.

After a debaucherous weekend in the bush (he proudly told me that the butler did say they broke the record for most beers consumed in the house in one sitting), he now has 'flu and a sore foot, which means, translated into Man Code: “I am both lame and dying.”

It's funny. But even the most silverback-alpha-of-all-males who save the world on a daily basis fear the terminal worst when their nose starts running.

We went to watch a movie on Sunday, with him limping pitifully across The Zone, while blowing his nose, and at the ticket counter, swear to God, he turns to me and speaks those unforgettable words, I have heard so many times before:
“I think I'm dying.”

This statement is one I've heard from the mouths of countless men before, so I wasn't overly surprised, however, one can't tell a guy to: “Pull yourself together and pop a Corenza C.” One has to switch to Man Code and speak in his language. One has to be Shakespearen about the whole affair, because that's evidentally what Amist A Man Being Sicketh and Dyingeth is all about.

“Oh my little bokdrolletjie. Are you going to make it through the movie without alerting NetCare for a stretcher and drip?”

Mr 747: No really, this just may be it. This could be the last thing we ever do together.
Peas: Oh no! What are we going to do? We really are in a pickle if you kick the bucket. Can I stroke your hair and swab your forehead?
Mr 747: Whose going to take care of you if I die?
Peas: If you die, I will die.
Mr 747: Well I better not die then.
Peas: And you better get your foot sorted out. What if they have to amputate?
Mr 747: Now that's a bit over the top don't you think?
Peas: Touché, MacBeth.

I am not his mum; I'm his ho. And I love being the on-death's-doorstep nurturer. But not forever. So let's hope my lame, dying dude gets better soon.

PS: He has written himself an obituary for his Facebook profile that I have to post if he does die.

39 comments:

kabintsimbi said...

Oh my god, I'm going through a Peas stage...this is the second day running that I've replied first...jaysus!

Men...they're really quite pathetic...yet we still love them! Sounds like things are getting just that little more...

What's a bokdrolletjie?

Nessers said...

They really are pathetic when they are sick heheh. They start to sniff and their whole posture changes - first is the stoop cos suddenly air weighs more then they start to shuffle cos their legs don't work so well anymore then they look at you with the puppy eyes as if to say take care of me all the while protesting that "I am fine really" hehehe. They fully expect the entire world to come to a halt while they recover and then are slightly insulted that it doesn't - but yes we do love them inspite of themselves

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - hahah, they're all the same when they sick eh?

A bokdrolletjie is a little buck dropping :)

Revolving Credit said...

You're his Ho....I'm loving the implication..hahha

Maybe tonight you should dress up as a nurse and play doctor.

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - they're all the same hey, men are universally helpless when they sick, and it's cute, until it carries on and on :)

Rev - I haven't been a very good ho thus far :)

boldly benny said...

They're too much when they're sick - it's almost as if they're testing you!

I had an ex who would tell me he's suffering a mild form of death whenever he was hanging - too funny!

kabintsimbi said...

oh...duh! god, I'm so slow sometimes!

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - hahaha. Thing is, to be honest, when I'm suffering from a severe hangover, I also become completely over-dramatic and think I'm dying.

I can do flu, I'm not good at hanging :)

Kab - :)

Billy said...

Check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLHWmjA5IE

I must admit to being a complete drip when im sick!

P.S: Loving the Man stoke women skits! Been pissing myself laughing for days now. Am i the last person to discover these guys?

Best one yet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox3Gd5GKfGw

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - awesome will definitely watch! I'll get 747 to watch as well :)

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - classic, classic classic!

"I called...Laura Laura...make me some soup...and you didn't come...so I called the paramedics."
What?
"I'm dying Laura."

Fucking perfect. :)

Billy said...

Thought you would like that.

tyrone said...

I'm a drip when I'm sick too.

I get lots of attention. It's wonderful.

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - who looks after us ladies when we're sick?

Revolving Credit said...

My entire office appears to have caught the flu..we're all trying to synchronise our coughing.

Anyone want to don a nurses outfit and come around and cheer the guys up??

Peas on Toast said...

Oh please can I? ;)

Oh my God - call the World Health Organisation! Your whole office is sick!

Revolving Credit said...

These guys are permanently sick, in a mental kinda way.

WHO is no good here, only strong alcohol as any positive effect.

Leigh-Anne said...

If there's one thing I absolutely can't stand about the penis tribe, it's that.

Whenever my boyfriend is sick, I am reminded of Bruce looking after Amber in that epic novel Forever Amber...

Do such men really exist?

Outside the imagination, of course...

Revolving Credit said...

Of course we'll look after you when you're sick....

.....because we know that you'll not be willing to have sex while you're sick.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ah mental illness. Curable by alcohol. I know the kind. I have it.

Leigh-Anne - men looking after women when they sick, it's fiction babe. Utter fiction.

The day a dude swabs my forehead when I have a head cold, is the day I donate my life savings to WHO.

When I had tonsilitis, my best girl mates were around to look after me.

Revolving Credit said...

PS. unless there's a good rugby games on as it give us a good excuse not be there.

'Shame, she's sick, leave her alone'

'I don't want to get infected, whats the point in both of us being sick'

Betenoir said...

poor baby! . :P

man, why are men so weak and pathetic when they get the weeniest cold? they always do the little weak sad voice that make me want to pummel them with a pillow.

good thing I am not a health professional.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - exactly, "why should both of us be sick, I'm staying far away...get away from you virus infected female!"

Drives me nuts. And when YOU'RE sick, the world comes to an end!

Bete - It's a problem hey. Like asking for directions. They can't cope.

Leigh-Anne said...

Oh well, at least they are nice to look at.

Revolving Credit said...

I'm actually not that bad when sick.

I just want everyone to leave me alone so that I can sleep.

Lay on couch.. watch 15-20min tv...fall asleep...wake up 3 hours later...take drugs..drink liquid(for once, non-alcoholic)...watch 15-20min tv...fall asleep. .repeat

Also, I fucking hate chicken soup!

tyrone said...

Peas, us manly men look after you ladies all year round.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - aw, so if I were to to sroke your hair, you'd get annoyed? ;)

Tyrone - you do? K, can you give me some examples doll? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Depends

Firstly, am I awake or asleep.

Secondly, which hair are you stroking.

Peas on Toast said...

The hair in your armpit.

Revolving Credit said...

Tickling my armpits when I'm sick will not go down too well.

If you wanna do something nice, go wash my car.

Peas on Toast said...

Go do it yourself. The fresh air will do you good.

Revolving Credit said...

What, so no wet t-shirt car wash??
Come on, lift a sick guys spirits!

Peas on Toast said...

My boobs are too small anyway :)

Revolving Credit said...

As long as your boobs are bigger than ours, we will look.

Actually, even if they aren't, we'll still look - we're programed that way.

Besides, you could always wear some wet, umm I mean hot pants.

Peas on Toast said...

Well Rev, unless you're carrying more than a 32B, you're safe :)

Revolving Credit said...

Carry?? like in my mouth??

You see, it's working, I'm feeling a bit better already.

Peas on Toast said...

Just think about tits and ass and you'll feel right as rain Rev.

Revolving Credit said...

Damn, sorry, I was having one of those nap sessions.

Did I miss the wet-hot pant carwash?
Can we do it again? You missed a spot.

Anonymous said...

Check for gout!!!!