Thursday, August 23, 2007

ancestry, seychelles & stuff

Peas: Dude, I need to apply for leave first week of October. I'm going to the Seychelles with the extended French family.

Crusoe: Why you going there? You related to the Creoles or something?

Peas: [cough, splutter] You're lucky my Gran wasn't around to hear that. She'd chop your balls off.

Crusoe: Well, your family lived there right?

Peas: Moved there during za vorre. But we're French Royalty dude, don't mock it. The Creoles weren't part of the equation. In fact, to keep the bloodlines pure, half my cousins there are probably inbred.

Crusoe: So, your cousins fucked your cousins?

Peas: Imagine French Catholics in a confined space for a second.....got the picture?
Royal Catholics, might I add. So bow down and give your employee some friggin' respect.

Crusoe: What finishing school did you go to, 'cos, Jesus, the shit that comes from your mouth doesn't exactly scream 'Princess Diana.' And you're only really Royal if you're British.

Peas: Oh yeah? You think Prince Harry never says 'fuck?' My great great grandmother was a Bourbon, dude. Top that.

Crusoe: So lemme get this straight...you're going on holiday to a tropical island full of your half-bred royal cousins. My question is....what if you find one of your cousins has an exceptionally large wanger?

Peas: Well, I wouldn't go there if that's what you're asking.

Crusoe: And what if it's ginormous?

Peas: Why would I want to see it in the first place?

Crusoe: 'Cos you have been known to stare at people's crotches lately.

Peas: Dude, even if he had a dick the length of your garden hose, I wouldn't go there.

Crusoe: So why're you so Royal again? What was the family name?

Peas: D'Agniel d'Assignet de Bourbon....and by the way, the more 'de's or 'd's' in a surname, the more aristocratic you are. We have three, bitch.

Crusoe: ...Her Highness, Peas de de de Toast?

Peas: Am I bovvered?

Crusoe: Royalty wouldn't say that.

Peas: Royalty can say anything they want.


PS: My dad, on the other hand, wants to call his new dog...Norman. Somebody please, we need a reality check here.

17 comments:

Mel said...

In my opinion, any excuse to go to the Seychelles is a good one - even if it is to visit inbred royal cousins!

Peas on Toast said...

Mel - Oh I agree! It's been ages since I left the SA shores and my GOD, I am excited!

tyrone said...

Morning de de de Peas

Thanks for not going there. Really. I would hate to imagine you'd be the type to hook up with a cousin just because he has a big shlong! I mean then you'd have to be from Boksburg which I'm hoping you're not! :-)

Although, if Kiera was my cousin I'd probably be more than happy to be from Boksburg. So in some cases one me be forgiven for crossing that line.

Now the MOST IMPORTANT question. Are any of your royal cousins hot? The female ones of course... If you do, do you have photos?

I was in France once. Not quite the same as the Seychelles but I'm sure there is some genetic sharing going on. Anyway, I was in the lift of our hotel and this young (19 or so) little French thing walked in. I was floored. Almost couldn't push the button, I'm sure I drooled on my shoes. Ever since that day, anything French has a particular allure for me. Well most things anyway.

Hmmmmm.....

Oh, and I like Norman by the way. Almost as good as Geoff.

tyrone said...

Just read my post again and can't help but wonder why this blog brings out my seriously lacking English writing skills!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - I'll be sure to take note of the hot female cousins for your interest. :) You just may have to take a vacation in the Seychelles!

And definitely going to suggest Geoff to my pops for a dog name. Also Fido and Matthew.

:)

tyrone said...

YES!

And they have to be loaded. I want refined French wealth. Like a little bit of a chateau here and there. Maybe a Bentley or three.

Would be extra nice of the pops was like little bit of a banker or a property magnate.

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - well dude, it's not the Loire Valley, so I'm thinking chateaux and such not applicable on a tropical island.

How about coco de mer plantation? Would that suit?

Betenoir said...

a) Norman de Hounde de la Woufe is a perfectly regal name for a pooch.
b) a Wang "as long as a garden hose" does not sound all that attractive, frankly. have you ever tried to sot out a tangle in one of those things?

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - 1) I love the reality of a pompous pet name. Which is why Chad's second name is Jean-Gilles. :)
I'll pop yours in the suggestion box for dad as well.
2) Yeah, tangled garden hoses are overrated. Justin Trousersnake must get himself in a pickle the whole time...

Peas on Toast said...

Oops, I meant 'regality' of a pompous name.

Mel said...

The problem with calling anything Norman is that it will inevitably get shortened to "Norm"...

Peas on Toast said...

Mel - yip, I think that's his intention. Honestly.

SheBee said...

I am so miffed you are Royalty and I'm not.

Although, I was named after Sheena Easton and she was a Royal pain in my mothers left nipple.

Leigh-Anne said...

Want to know what's the height of incest?

Nevermind, I'll tell you anyway.

Pappa se vir boetie mamma steek beter as sussie... En boetie stem saam!

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - Don't be miffed babe. Sheena Easton's take on For Your Eyes Only is a royal classic.

Leigh-Anne - ...naaiing in die agterkamer? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

So tell me, was this family incest limited to male-on-female or did they venture into male-on-male, female-on-female or male/female-on-family-pet.

If so, can Norman come along for the ride, seeing as he is family now?

Peas on Toast said...

Dude I'm guessing not. Old school Catholic types - albeit love a bit of banging - are pretty straight down the line.

As for Norm, he hasn't arrived yet.

x