Thursday, August 02, 2007

Dear Pretty,

Thus far, you've been a sterling maid. Just a few questions please:

1)Why are my favourite jeans now pink?

2)What happened to Casserole Dish Number One of my trio casserole dish set?

3)You know my coasters? On the coffee table? Why do you stack them into a little pile?

4)WHY, sweet Jehovah, ARE MY FAVOURITE JEANS now a muted shade of prostitute pink? Do I look like I want to wear my blog template? Does it look like I want Barbie's wardrobe? Does it look like I wanted a freaking pink jean pant? Why couldn't you have colour experimented on, say, my duvet cover?

5)Well done on getting the red wine off the couch. It did look like, before you astutely attacked it with Preen, that a murder scene had taken place on this very piece of furniture. And the murder/merlot explosion wasn't clean - for the imaginative, a gruesome cold-blooded slaying. On my ever-suffering sofa. But this doesn't deviate from the fact that my jeans – my favourite jeans mind you – are Peas On Toast PINK. The frustration. The sheer frustration overwhelms and haunts me.

Forgive me, I have PMS. I'm an inert bomb, which is just waiting to be detonated by some stupid prick asshole in the traffic and/or a trolley-bashing 80-year old in Rosebank Pick 'n Pay....oh wait, that's already happened.

Thanks, security, for not arresting me for lewd conduct.

Was meant to go skiing in Lesotho this weekend, but due to unforeseen snow – no really – and a few other things, it's been postponed until later on. Crap.
Was looking forward to getting shitfaced in the snow with C and Big T. And, like, riding down the one slope.

But I will not panic. I will ride this out until my flippen period kicks in. And if anyone has anything to say about Aunt Rosie entering my building, so to speak, please do. I fucking dare you. I almost want you to.

PS: Who ate all the pies? I ate all the pies. Not everyone eats Caramello Bears on PMS. Now bugger off.

PPS: Still very happy and floaty, and astoundingly ditzy and skippy longstockings and pathetic and excitedly distracted, in between the temper tantrums. There's light at the end of this uterus.


Heddles said...

Hold the phone. We’re synchronised. I am but HOURS away from a visitation from the money-grabbing whore called Rosie as well. Dangerously swaying from euphoria to blind rage. Normally I’m quite chilled out. But once a month I want to smash a trolley over an old lady’s head.

Peaches said...

I think you are handling the pink jean pant crisis quite well.

I would live in my favourite jeans if I could and would have lost the plot completely if they had emerged fromthe wash a striking fuschia!

Peas on Toast said...

Heddles - what every guy wants to know and has to know: chicks synchronise. So not only is one bitch running around smashing trolleys over grannies' heads, but there are actually twelve. Un.Lucky.

Good luck babe. I feel your pain.

Peaches - it hasn't fully sunk in yet that my favourite jeans are now iwwearable. Striking fuschia - you got that right.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Anonymous said...

If your jeans are that important to you, why don't you wash them yourself....

Betenoir said...

obviously, she used your jeans to clean the wine off the couch. Elementary, my dear Peas.

also, she's stacking the coasters because otherwise there'd be chaos and anarchy. Do you not understand she's trying to balance your feng shui and your chi?

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas

OMG, the woman that cleans my house also died my FAVOURITE butt-hugging pants a watery shade of pink. I was wild because I inadvertantly found them stewing in a bucket under my sink.
At the risk of sounding like Martha Stewart, soak them repeatedly in a saturated, hot solution of washing powder, vanish powder and hot water. It's worked for me before.
Was also supposed to go skiing in Lesotho and it fell through... oh well. Have a wonderful weekend and this guy must be freaking awesome if you're still smiling and giddy inbetween the tantrums - enjoy doll ;-)

ordinarylife said...

Would love to leave a longer comment, but too busy killing someone for a bar of chocolate, or biltong or peanuts or - dammit, just give me something to eat!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - perfect. Thanks. I love it when people challenge me when I'm PMSVille.
Now go throw yourself off a cliff please.

Bete - nah, I really think she thinks the coasters are toys or somefink. :)

Boldly - I love you, and I love Vanish even more! Thanks Martha, will give it a bash!

Ordinary - I can offer you a pie. Keen?

Revolving Credit said...

She's call Pretty, for fucks sake.
What did you expect??
She thought she'd make you look 'pretty in pink'!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ah. The funny man.

I'm on so much myprodol right now I don't know what's going on.

Ordinarylife said...

Pie would be perfect!

Revolving Credit said...

Did you just offer someone some of your pie????

Exactly how much medication have you taken?

Peas on Toast said...

Ordinary - I'd be happy to share all my pies with you, because since I have bought every pie in a 5 kilometre radius, it's only fair I share.

Rev - sharing is caring, this myprodol feeeels so good, wow, who needs a drink when there's myp.

Now come give Peas a hug.

SheBee said...

I discovered something created by God/Jehova/Allah for women specifically PMSing:

It is called:

Wait for it:

Millionaire Shortcake!

Available at your nearest Woolies food store.

Orgasm in a frilly little cookie cup holder thingamabob.

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - ah! And in a fine package too.

If only they packaged pies the same way. They deserve some recognition. :)

tyrone said...

Afternoon Peas.

You'll look hot in pink man. Stop stressing.

Now surely, as you're suffering from PMS, the last things you should be thinking of are orgasms and packages?

And what's this thing with pies?

Peas on Toast said...

Howdy Tyrone!
Thanks mate :)

Thing is, chicks are most horny during PMS - it's a fact! Which doesn't make sense does it. I don't get how this happens.
As for pies - loving them. Best I break out the Fat Jeans from the back of my cupboard (they're still blue thank heavens) cos these chicken & mushroom numbers are going down like a ton of bricks!

tyrone said...

Being horny with PMS is much like telling me I've won a million rand in monopoly money. I know. Hated every second of being told how unbelievably badly she wanted to do the funky monkey but couldn't. LUFFLY.

I think our Maker is pretty much killing himself with laughter every time he watches your typical man cope with that.

AND, what's more, we have to deal with the psychopathic, schizophrenic, manic-depressive mental states you ladies find yourselves in. Not that you're not beautiful you, because you are and I could never ever ever live with youout you guys.

Because we're invariably the focal point of all that is wrong and bad and sick and unfair and and and and... AND, when we battle to understand the fairer (but equal, I promise) sex under normal circumstances, you expect us to cope with you when every molecule in your body is going mad.

Fat schmat. Wait a few days and you'll feel delightfully thin again. It's just that PMS nightmare in your head.


tyrone said...

Besides, you do have HOT legs.

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha - Tyrone, thanks my dear :)

You've go it exactly right - and you've celarly experienced your fair share of PMS Horniness vs Mental Freak. It's God suggesting that He has a twisted sense of humour, or it's a flaw in the making I'm sure.

Either way, it aint helping anyone over here!


tyrone said...

But the pies are. Pies always help.

Like the pies from the BP in Stellies... Anyone here taken part in that culinary delight?

Caramello Bears too.

Peas on Toast said...

Pies are on my top three all time loves:
1) Pies
2) Pies with gravy
3) Shiny things

BP pies around the world are top notch ;)

tyrone said...

So now where do these things fit in?

Funky monkey?
Ace of Base?
Cat Stevens?
Brad Pitt's body in Troy?
Colony Arms?

Surely they should also be in the top 3?

I think you have more than 1 top 3?

Pies with gravy and mash rule.

SheBee said...


Just before, as in a few days before, PMS is the time us chicks are the randiest. Its because that is when the big dude upstairs intended us to concieve. So there's your answer.

And Tyrone, what is up with you and all the lady compliments? U trying to earn brownie points or something, hun?


Peas on Toast said...

Funky Monkey and Ace of Base at the same time. Now you talking :)

Yip, and sheBees right. Just before Aunt Rosie pops in for an unwanted holiday is the randy time.

tyrone said...

Me - Brownie points? Never!


When PMS is visiting, I gotta be good. I know the rules. Been well trained!

tyrone said...

So if the randy time = 1 week before Aunt Rosie arrives then surely if we men were to live up to our biological purpose to reproduce then we should have 4 girlfriends.

Four girlfriends with consecutive visits from Aunt Rosie would equal four consecutive weeks of nookie.

We'd of course have to keep them geographically seperate so they don't sync.

Revolving Credit said...


Postive: PMS Horniness = 50% chance of blowjob

Negative: Mental Freak = 50% chance of penis being ripped off

So the question is, R U a gambling man??

Peas on Toast said...