Tuesday, August 07, 2007


Some people cope well with it, but sadly, those people also laugh in the face of pressure, or smoke way too much marijuana so are out of touch with reality, or are more loosely strung than a hemp shirt in Jamaica. I'm not.

Another morning of tossing and turning at 5:00am, wondering what the fuck to do with myself. I could get up and work like I did yesterday, but this is unfeasible.

I know I'm not coping when I awake every morning before dawn to toss and turn and worry and worry and worry and be neurotic and worry some more and the thoughts in my kopfel don't stop going round and round and endless doomsday images of being homeless and jobless, and... are my thighs fat?

I know I ate all the pies, but that won't help me when I'm living under a bush with a trolley and soaking my meths through Albany. Oh God. The pressure.

I fucking hate pragmatism. Especially if it's my own. It's one thing being an insomniac, but it's shittier waking up and not being able to go back to sleep, and schvitzing in your own sweat patches with so many thoughts cruising round your head you really just don't know what The. Fuck. To. Do. With. Yourself.

There's something wrong with me at the moment. Perhaps I have been listening to too much techno music. Yes, that's got to be it.

Running around wired and not being able to do much about nothing. Maybe I have Attention Deficit Disorder? (But do people just get that at my age?) Maybe I'm truly going a bit Twelve Monkeys.

Like, I can't concentrate, focus on anything. I have reason to stress; I may be homeless and jobless by October. Yeah yeah, yeah and worrying doesn't help, but what to do? Nothing poignant or deep is emerging from my noggin either. It's all just millions of 'What if's?' What the hell is going on? I'm panicked.

Somebody just turn me off. Put a switch on me.

I need something. And that just might be Calmettes.


Leigh-Anne said...

Peas. Sit down on your lovely couch, in the lotus position, and tell yourself, "I am a hollow reed, my stress flows through me". Say that 15 times. If it doesn't work, console yourself with a lovely slab of Lindt dark chocolate (for medicinal purposes of course, dark chocolate is good for you! Trust me!). Then open that bottle of good wine you've been saving for a special occasion, and drink it all by yourself. YOU are a special occasion. YOU ARE THE QUEEN PEA. (And wine is good for you! Really!)

You need to take care of yourself, Peas! If you have a nervous breakdown, who's going to look after all of us everyday?

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - ah thanks my sweetie! You are so sweet :)

As soon as this day is over, I may just do that! I have dinner with the chicks later, so that might help too. I love the hollow reed theory.
I may just have to make it my mantra!

tyrone said...

Morning Peas.

Sho little lady, things a little stressful right now huh?

My advice is above all else, try to stay positive. I know its difficult to see the sunshine through storm clouds but if you can find a way to push every negative thought out of your heard and replace it with something positive, you'll be amazed at the difference.

Focus on your goals, try to let everything else just be and you'll find it'll work out. I sincerley believe that our thoughts define our reality so the more we allow negative thinking into our lives, the more harmful effect they can have.

We all have faith. We know it will work. You have passion. You know it will work. You know you'll be fine.

So.... It will be fine.

Ok, lesson over. :-)

So Leigh-Anne is right - you gotta be ok so we can carry on visiting our blog-shrink for a little bit of escape from the day.

And what's more, you have Mr 747 to look after now...

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - thanks babe! Yes, I gotta one thing at a time and hopefully all will fall into place. I know it will, but perhaps I'm also terrified of change. Always have been an old stick in the mud when it comes to drastic change. * sigh *

Mr 747 is a good distraction though :)

tBerry said...

Its crazy. I know how you feel. I got me a 5mth old, I just sold my house, can't find a new one AND I just resigned!
Talk about on the street without a house or job and only the Meths and Albany to keep me warm...

BUT, I am positive. That is the important part. Believe in yourself and what you are doing and you WILL succeed.

Check out Bob Parsons' 16 Rules to Live By

Peas on Toast said...

TBerry - ah thanks sunshine! And I hope everything works out for you, you have quite a bit to deal with there, definitely. Holding thumbs!

I suppose forward planning and Plan B's also help, which is what I'm starting to do so that I'm not caught in the dwang...

kabintsimbi said...

Breathe, slow down & stop with all the panic! Do yourself a favour, go do something completely different...take a walk in the park (is it safe, must check this!) or go for a bicycle ride...just clear your mind, open some space up there, positive space that is, & chill! If you don't, you're going to turn into one of those Twelve Monkeys type folk! I don't read Twelve Monkeys...as I'm sure others won't either, although it could be a great entertainment factor!

Anyway, like I said, clear your mind, go do something different & then tackle what you need to tackle!

You're not stressed, just a little bit panic-stricken!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - yip, true words ever spoken dollface. This week, Peas gets on the old bike again and tightens up her tochas.

It might just help me sleep better as well. Thanks babe! x

boldly benny said...

Good morning gorgeous...
You sound like me but I guess that's the emotional side, there's always a million things to stress about - I'm never happy to just stress about work and deadlines, no I also have to worry about my thighs, my debts and so on.

It's hard but try and focus on one thing at time. Sometimes writing what is freaking you out helps because then you get to compartimentalise it or realise that you're looking for things to worry about (I am CONSTANTLY guilty of this).

Most importantly, work - you took a big and courageous step so for that you're already successful - woohoo PEAS! Second of all, I usually play worst case scenario. You're a positive person and I know you wouldn't have gone into this venture if you didn't truly believe in it, but by facing the worst case scenario you diffuse your fear and realise that you are already successful in just having tackled something new and following a dream.

I have every ounce of faith in you darling and I think I am among the masses. I know you know all theory but perhaps writing things down will help - of course this is coming from someone who woke up at 6am this morning wondering how the hell I'm going to make all my deadlines so I can identify.

Tons of stength darling and enjoy your girls' dinner, nothing like gabbing with your gals to diffuse some stress as well xxB

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - I truly love you babe. You are my twin afterall :)

Yip, writing usually actually helps me to put it down and see it for what it is, but at the moment, I'm having a dire case of writer's block (I blame the stress 100% and the fact that I am a bit floaty as well....sigh) And I also am a worst case scenario person. Crap, it sucks.

Thanks for being so positive and believing in me. It really helps. And there are times when I'm like, "But this will all work out!" But it comes in short bursts...

Anyway, thanks my dear. May everything just...pan out for the best. xx

fuzzy logic said...

Bah. Illegal substances. Copious amounts of them.

Anonymous said...

Peas love, if you do not go and get the frigging book i am bringing it to you next week!! Will be in Egoli for 2 weeks and i will hunt you down and force you to read it!!!
For crying in a bucket!!!!
I have too many of my own stresses to worry and fret about my little peas in Blog-land!! Help a girl out!! If anything i promise you will have something inspiring to read when you cant ZZZZZ!!
Help a friend out!

Love and hugs as always!

If you refuse to follow my brilliant advise...then you should be Belle De Jure-ing it and write a book you know you wanna!!! and i know of at least a 100 people who would purchase such an item!! No GO! i am timing you!! (used to work on my kid brother :P)

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Max!

Oh my God, I sent you an email two days ago, did you not get it? Shit, I hope I sent it to the right person?

I BOUGHT THE BOOK! I DID, I DID! I have just finished the first five chapters and was AMAZED! I was like, "sorry, is this me?? Is this person writing about me, this is insane!"

So I'm reading it and absolutely elated you pushed me to buy it. Ended up buying it at the airport actually.

And have Belle de Jour'd as well. And her sequel (which isn't as good as the first one). But thanks babe, the book is brilliant and very, very apt! xx

(For those who don't know: Eat, Love & Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert)

Peas on Toast said...

Fuzzy Logic - hahaha :)

Mike said...

My senses tell me you made a pact with the devil and are now picking up the tab.

...and also, the mystery of the vanishing pies has been solved. My mom's gonna be mad when she hears it was you.

Peas on Toast said...

Mike - That Satan. He always does a runner when it comes to picking up the bill. Jesus was also sitting at our table though, and he hasn't coughed up either. Fine guys, leave the mortal with the frigging bill, moneybags over here isn't bovvered.

Tell your mum that her pies were goooood.

Mike said...

True that, true that. I've discovered Satan's probably not the best dinner companion, although I'm seeing her tonight for dinner again. This time, she's going to dressed nicely, and her name is Andrie. Think I may have to pick the tab up again. Bloody underworld minions.

Told my mom re: pies. She's upset, but at the exact same time, proud. Nobody really enjoyed her pies before. Because they were made of dead crows and fingernail clippings. I can imagine how they go straight to your calves. Especially like, the little dimples in the bum that lanks old women get. That's the fingernail clippings doing their thing.

Peas on Toast said...

Well Mike, I'll give you this much: You're a bloody card.

Dead's crows feet and nail clippings are my favourite, works wonders with the bowel movements what with all that fibre.

I suggest maybe offering Satan Herself a little soupcon of Mama's Pies...she won't be doing a runner anytime soon, largely because she'll be planted on the crapper. Just where you like her. :)

Maxine-Anne said...

Holy fuckin Majolies!!! I knew you would enjoy it!! Sorry I am on a farm at the moment and haven’t been able to get into my mail until now!! SEE that’s how loved you are i check on my little pea before i even check my own mail!

Isn’t the book wonderful!!! I got laughed at by plenty random chavs on UK transport gasping out loud!! I just couldn’t believe how poignant and fitting it was to my own life!! It truly has changed my life or given me the courage to understand what are the important bits in life!

I knew you would love the bits about David and how badly we want the passion and how ultimately destructive it is!!

The book is a real journey and i think you should get inspired to follow suit. I really do believe that the world is waiting for you to write your story! so have faith and it will happen! Your honesty and passion will help many people especially girls to push themselves to not settle for anything but the best!

At the end of the day if the job doesn’t work out, so be it!! Being a woman makes you have unlimited natural resources to fall back on and I know you would have kicked yourself if you had not tried in the first place!

Every action has a reaction and although it may not be the desired result at the perfect time it has given you an indication of what possibly doesn’t work for you! Rewarding in retrospect.

Channel that creativity into coming up with brave solutions and you will find what you are looking for.

You are a creative force and although you doubt yourself from time to time that’s why you have us, your peeps, your fans, to spur you on!!

Don’t give up hope it will all work out in the end!

I am going to be in Joburg for 2 weeks and it would be awesome and an honor to meet up!! will be in touch and see if you are up for it!!

Facebooking you as we speak, just so you can check on my freak factor! LOL

Big up to ya angel Gal!!

Peas on Toast said...

Wow Max thanks so much! And yes, thank heavens you got me to buy it - if there's one constructive thing I've done in the last while, it was this. Thanks so much!!

And yes when you're in Jozifontein, let me know, it would be great to have a drink or two.


Anonymous said...

Peas, I don't mean to be funny, but when I have a little insomnia problem, its normally caused by a few days of boozing, maybe try dry up for a weekend, and see if it helps... naaaaa!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - nnaaaa, funny person. Yip, have dried up since Sunday (fuck, It's only Tuesday), but thought about that last night, and am planning to go on a wee booze-sabbatical for a little while, or for as long as I can hold out till I'm dragged some dodgy watering hole.

Revolving Credit said...

Kinda makes you feel like a deer stuck in the headlights, doesn't it??

(Please note, this is not to be confused with spilling/dripping John Deere on your headlights.)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - it absolutely does. Dude, what's up with dripping John Deere on my headlights?? Excuuuse me?

Nessers said...

I can totally relate to the waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thing you are talking about. I am insomniac and take sleeping pills to help but even they sometimes don't work. It sucks big time but like you said no point stressing but it's not easy. I can relate to the stressing point you make too cos I do it all the time. At the moment I have stressed myself 7kg lighter in the last month so I really hope you manage to stop. I am sure you won't be homeless by October - you work hard and good things come to people who work hard - I will think good things for you

Revolving Credit said...

Ooh...did someone say 'wet peas-shirt competition'??

The trick with the deer thing is that you consciously need to make a decision to change/move out the way before you get run down.

Though change and decision can be scary, it does present new opportunities...the later we leave it, the higher the cost...currently you're scared of what may happen and delaying any corrective action may well result in the decision being force upon you...that's the no job, no flat, no money, no known future fear thing you're experiencing.

Remember, Ant's just gone through a similar situation, except you see it coming , she didn't.

If you learn not to fear, but to embrace change, you will approach new opportunities and avenues with confidence.

It's just a new part/stage of life and you will learn from these new and possibly wonderful experiences.

Life's what you make of it.
Is the glass half full or half empty??

What's the worst that could happen?
Let me think...

You move out the flat, sell your car and stuff, find a rat sitter and move to Tahiti where you spend your days waxing surfboards....and possibly the occassional surfer.

Doesn't sounds too bad to me.

Do you think they have broadband in Tahiti?

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - 7 kg? Shizenhauern babe, sorry to hear this. Positive thoughts, indeed. Good luck babe. xx

Rev - Tahiti? Have you been smoking your socks? Sounds devine, but just how would I get there?

Mr 747 says hello. He ate an off-pie last night, so his problems are more immediate than mine at this very point....

Revolving Credit said...

The point wasn't Tahiti, the point was facing your fear, your choices and dealing with it.

Stop avoiding the issues.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas

Sorry I'm not so clued up with the world of blogging so I dont have meself one of them "blogging names" and will go by anonymous until I work it all out. But you can call me Anon for short if you like :)

I was just wondering how Wibble was going in terms of traffic. It seems to be going pretty well with all the active "posters" but I wanted to know whether your traffic is where you want it to be for now?

Ciao Ciao
Anon :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I'm not avoiding, but I can't find a solution right at this point...

Am trying though.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - It's going ok thanks my dear. Our traffic is increasing, and things are happening. I hope it lasts!

kyknoord said...

I should point out that "living under a bush with a trolley" is a plan. It's my fallback option, too.

MsRebecca said...

Sorry you are so stressed and can't sleep, that is the worst! I can't stand the mornings when you wake up every hour on the hour only to finally fall asleep when the alarm goes off.. HANGE IN THERE~

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - yeah, because it's better than living under a bush without a trolley innit. One has to look at the positives.

msrebecca - thanks so much my dear. Will def try and hang on...and get some sleep! :)

Anonymous said...

Yesterday's "The Times" made mention of your blogspot, so I decided to gib a kook, as they say. I'm pleasantly surprised at the fresh, honest wind, that blows across the net waves.

You paint a vibrant picture young girl. It reminds me very much of my late '60's, early 70's, grass smoking, acid & speed popping, all night partying, screwing anything that breathed, hippie days...which sped by like greased lightning.

Yeah..my folks and my friend's folks also thought we were mad, fucked up, wore clothing that looked like something the dog dragged in and that we would never amount to anything, in a questionable future. Most of us proved them wrong!

Whatever you are doing, carry on. And oh....the writing is probably cathartic, so carry on doing what you do best for yourself.

I don't smoke pot or pop anymore...I traded that habit for Johnny Walker Blue ;)