I'm horrifically depressed.
This often happens around my birthday and Christmas, so it's completely normal.
Maybe it was the two gin and tonics I had last night, or maybe it's feeling old and helpless.
Twenty seven, oh my god, 27 years ago I was dispelled from mother's chute.
Being 26 was a helluva lot more hardcore than being 25. I can safely say it was the hardest, most taxing year of my life. The year of most growth – without a doubt. May 27 have less bumps in the road, my God, please.
Twenty-seven suddenly sounds so...grown up. Do I have to, like, be responsible now? Does this hactually mean I have to know what the fuck is happening with my tax returns? Do I have to be on top of my traffic fines?
God help me – do I need to take out life insurance?
Do I need to start seriously saving for my pension? With no husbank in sight, it would appear that my total life savings may get me a box, dog food and maybe a free copy of Homeless Talk when I'm 65.
Twenty seven irritatingly sounds like I'm meant to be mature. No more driving after two jaegermeisters, no more sucking random face (when single) at the Manhunt Club.
Looking after my health! Fuck!
Now I have to start taking vitamins for Over 25s, work out, like work out so that I don't get flabby arms, whilst checking for new wrinkles in the mirror.
I don't feel special, I feel depressed. At 26, I still had leeway. I could still fuck up, and people would generally turn a blind eye. Now there's no room for that.
Quite frankly, this whole “growing up” thing washes over me like an oil slick in the Indian Ocean. It's. Not. Cool. It's. Pants.
I suppose what could make it more bearable is a couple of alcoholic beverages with everyone after the day is over.
What I'm happy to have done in 27 years:
1)Written a book
2)Ran naked through the streets of Cape Town
3)Been able to drink 10 jaegerbombs and still stand
4)Got kicked out of Canada for insufficient visa requirements
5)Worked at a supermarket in the US and made friends called Bubba and Chip
6)Told someone in French to “go fuck themselves up their own doetpipe”
7)Pranged an Audi A3
8)Been loved once
9)Met Nelson Mandela. Twice.
10)Ate more smoked salmon than your average Norwegian
I may have to beat my way through this day with a stick.