The Dove caught me on speakerphone the other day. Unluckily while I was driving with my entire extended family in the car. Mother, aunt, step dad and cousin. Put it on speaker, very stupidly because I couldn't hear over their usual yakkity noise.
Dove: Where've you been you...cum guzzling gutter-slut?
[deathly pause. The sisterhood, for the first time since 1953, goes quiet.]
Peas: Um, I think you have the wrong number.
Dove: It's me you Crack Ho.
Peas: Awesome. Before you say another word, please say hi to...my parents and their siblings.
Dove: [deathly pause] .....hi there.
Peas: I guess I'll be chatting to you later then. Keep it tight, you foul-mouthed shit.
Then, a Rhodes mate phones me on Friday afternoon:
Ndug: Just wanted to check if you're coming to the Rhodes Reunion tonight.
Peas: Oh that's funny. Please can I.
Ndug: wahahahahahaha, c'mon Peas, you just have to! All four, or is it five of your boys in one room together!
Peas: Put it this way, I'd rather light my ass on fire.
Ndug: It would be a hoot. C'monnnnn.
Peas: Tempting, but no.
Ndug: Just think...a grand entrance, a few laughs....and Mr 747 will be there to protect you. See you there?
Peas: Don't wait up.
Ndug: You only live once.
Peas: Well. It would be nothing short of amusing, let's be honest... hold the phone, five?
Peas: Well then I'm definitely coming!
Ndug: That's the spirit.
Peas: I'll think about it.
Ndug: London's smaller, if it's any consolation.
Peas: One drink.
(I ended up going, and true to my word, for just one drink. Mainly to see the look on C's face when I pitched up.
Boringly, no one of serious interest was there.
However, Mr 747 did do push-ups in the middle of the road, chased my car and stepped in a giant puddle, then at 3:00am climbed into my bed and told me about some “political debate” he'd had. This was highly amusing.
I've never seen an oke more hungover than he was the following morning. And it smelt like a brewery had exploded in my bedroom the next day. Awesome.)
Clifford: Peas, can you translate something from French for me?
Peas: Bien sur, mon ami. Que-est ce que tu veut?
Clifford: “obtenir quelques sensations fortes.”
Peas: “To obtain some strong sensations?” Dude, are you reading the back of a dildo box? Or are you perusing a porn manual?
Clifford: Ha ha ha. No.
Peas: You are so busted.
Peas: I want what YOU'RE reading.