Tuesday, October 23, 2007

3 conversations over 3 days

The Dove caught me on speakerphone the other day. Unluckily while I was driving with my entire extended family in the car. Mother, aunt, step dad and cousin. Put it on speaker, very stupidly because I couldn't hear over their usual yakkity noise.

Dove: Where've you been you...cum guzzling gutter-slut?

[deathly pause. The sisterhood, for the first time since 1953, goes quiet.]

Peas: Um, I think you have the wrong number.
Dove: It's me you Crack Ho.
Peas: Awesome. Before you say another word, please say hi to...my parents and their siblings.
Dove: [deathly pause] .....hi there.
Peas: I guess I'll be chatting to you later then. Keep it tight, you foul-mouthed shit.

Then, a Rhodes mate phones me on Friday afternoon:

Ndug: Just wanted to check if you're coming to the Rhodes Reunion tonight.
Peas: Oh that's funny. Please can I.
Ndug: wahahahahahaha, c'mon Peas, you just have to! All four, or is it five of your boys in one room together!
Peas: Put it this way, I'd rather light my ass on fire.
Ndug: It would be a hoot. C'monnnnn.
Peas: Tempting, but no.
Ndug: Just think...a grand entrance, a few laughs....and Mr 747 will be there to protect you. See you there?
Peas: Don't wait up.
Ndug: You only live once.


Peas: Well. It would be nothing short of amusing, let's be honest... hold the phone, five?
Ndug: Correct.
Peas: Well then I'm definitely coming!
Ndug: That's the spirit.
Peas: I'll think about it.
Ndug: London's smaller, if it's any consolation.
Peas: One drink.

(I ended up going, and true to my word, for just one drink. Mainly to see the look on C's face when I pitched up.
Boringly, no one of serious interest was there.
However, Mr 747 did do push-ups in the middle of the road, chased my car and stepped in a giant puddle, then at 3:00am climbed into my bed and told me about some “political debate” he'd had. This was highly amusing.
I've never seen an oke more hungover than he was the following morning. And it smelt like a brewery had exploded in my bedroom the next day. Awesome.)

Clifford: Peas, can you translate something from French for me?
Peas: Bien sur, mon ami. Que-est ce que tu veut?
Clifford: “obtenir quelques sensations fortes.”
Peas: “To obtain some strong sensations?” Dude, are you reading the back of a dildo box? Or are you perusing a porn manual?
Clifford: Ha ha ha. No.
Peas: You are so busted.
Clifford: Whatever.
Peas: I want what YOU'RE reading.


Revolving Credit said...

...cum guzzling gutter-slut?

Oh well, I reckon that kinda answers the spits or swallows question, doesn't it!

Peas on Toast said...

Wha-EVA Rev...it answers nothing! :)

Betenoir said...

cum-guzzling kinda makes me imagine some sort of ravening beast, attacking passersby and pensioners and draining them of their vital life-juices. with really big, sharp teeth. like something from spawn...only really slutty.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - Yeah the Dove fancies herself a bit of a card. And as complimentary as she was, I mean, a real cum-guzzling gutter slut must have some real character....it just didn't wash with the folks.

Revolving Credit said...

I can just imagine the deadly silence in the car following the call, suddenly broken by one of the sisterhood letting one rip and breaking the tension, so to speak.

Peas on Toast said...

Hahahaha Rev, it's almost like you were there!

Freaky :)

Revolving Credit said...

You went to the reunion, had only one drink, but SmileHigh managed to get ratfaced and you got home @ 3:00am aftre a bit of theatre sports in the road.

So how big was this drink??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Hey it was SmileHigh's moment, not mine. Hell, he was wasted. I was more sober than a nun on Sunday - but SmileHigh stumbled into my house at 3:00am after I'd already hit the sack... :)

Revolving Credit said...

So he didn't got to the Rhodent reunion with you??

Or did he go out on his own after the party and return much lubricated.

Peas on Toast said...

You love the details hey Rev.

He went first. I had a dinner party. I joined them later. Then left. About the time he was doing one-armed push ups in the road in front of the car guard. Then he made his way to my house at 3:00am. With the dudes with whom he was having the political debate.

You're hilarious.

Elle said...

Pouvez-vous m'aider s'il vous plaît parle le meilleur français?

Revolving Credit said...

So has Clifford shared?

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - Mais vos Francais est plus belle que le mienne, cherie! :)

Rev - no, he remains tight lipped. Im telling you he got hold of some kinky Parisien toy or something...

Elle said...

hahahaha, merci beaucoup. vous êtes trop gentil. mais ma mère serait en désaccord

Peas on Toast said...

Non, mais je suis serieuse. Mon francais est nul. Ma Grandmere, elle peut parler parfair, mais moi, j'ai appri a l'ecole et en France - et j'ai oublie tous!

Elle said...

Je comprends, ma mère parle français parfait aussi. Elle et mon papa toujours parle en français. Elle toujours me gronde en français... plus efficace elle pense.

Revolving Credit said...

No idea what you girls are saying, but I assume that it's the continuation of To obtain some strong sensations..........

Peas on Toast said...

Rev, just a little girl chat.

Sprechen ze Deutsche? ;)

Elle said...

Rev - we are discussing state secrets actually.. ;)

That guy you know said...

Good gawd that happend to me in the car with my Dad. The bluetooth thing just answered the phone and some bloke was asking if I had any more weed left. He said it in Tswana so my dad knew exaclty what was happening.
There was nothing I could do and if I was white would have turned red outta shame!
And yesterdays post was killer too!

The Divine Miss M said...

I love it, I love it, I love it :) I've had that happen, well I've had my mother answer the the phone to a friend who thought that my mother was me.

Put it this way, my mother is very Catholic and my friend was discussing my drunken performances of the night before.

My mother and I have never discussed it and hopefully we never will.

Peas on Toast said...

that guy - hahahahah! So what did your pops say? "Let's talk about this over a spliff?" ;)

Miss M - oh yah, them Catholics take that sort of stuff to heart! The worst I've done is call Dov's mum 'babe' by mistake. She was on Skype using Dove's name "Hey babe, what's crappening."

"This is Dove's mum. Hi Peas."
"Hi babe"

(Babe? Babe?)

That guy you know said...

he lambasted the crap outta me, but honestly I think it reminded him of his younger days. A few weeks later I was hanging about the back yard and he appeared outta the store room door with a thick cloud of smoke for company. I kept my mouth shut!
But it smelled like some serious higher grade shit!
I started hunting to see if he had a secret stash somewhere!

Peas on Toast said...

guy - hectic, that's hilarious! So you got a bloody good hiding eh? ;)

The day I get stoned with my parents...shit I don't even want to think about it....paranoia! Fuck...my dad....my mother...bad trip dude, bad trip.

Revolving Credit said...

Let's just say that I've learnt to change my telephone greeting somewhat.
No longer to I launch right into:
"Hey biatch, so what you wearing?"

It can be a bit creepy when you get an actual response, but not from the person you were expecting.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - hahahah! So who'd you get a response from? And was it along the lines of "My red doondies dude."

SilverSabre said...

Hehe haven't laughed this hard in Ages.

I'm off to India tomorrow, be good (hahahahaha cough cough..hahahahahaha) in my absence, keep the home flag flying etc etc.

Oh, and use Dischem for the condoms. They have an isle for them, and the selection is great. Try the Durex warming, it rocks. The Durex warming lube is also amazing.

Enjoy ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Let's just say that if your mom answered your phone, it wouldn't matter how good of a sport she is, there are certain things I'd rather not know, or be told.

The other party had a good chuckle, while for once, I was at a loss for words.

PS. I now have a friend who does not wait for the question any longer, but just launches straight into the doondie explanation.

Peas on Toast said...

SS - enjoy India guy! And thanks for the warming tips :)

Rev - that's hilarious. Yes and on your muvver, I have a few questions:

1) Does she share your sense of humour Rev?
2) Did you give her a lot of uphill growing up?

3) Does she work at McDonalds?

That guy you know said...

oh nothing like that, not a hiding but a bloody good toungue lashing. My little sister was in the car and we were driving to Kimberly so he had a good long while to give it to me!

Sometimes I wonder if I should give him some when I have skunk, I mean I like to share to good highs, but if he ever accepted it would mean something entirely different for our relationship going forward!!
Oh well gotta go have work to tend to, Will see what you have for us tomorrow!

Revolving Credit said...

After wearing the clown suit whole day at MacDonald's, she's not real in a good mood so we try not to aggravate her, else we don't get our happy meals!!

Peas on Toast said...


That guy - share your skunk with your old man! C'mon, it would be a hoot!
(This doesn't apply to my family. It wouldn't be a hoot, it would be a disaster)

Revolving Credit said...

Don't mess with the woman in the Clown suit man, ain'[t ya never read no Stephen King - maybe she'll come and hunt you down in her ice-cream truck.

"You want extra mayo bitch, her let me just staples a couple of these here cheese burgers to your ass!"

Chester Pillow said...

Clifford?? Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa....expect an email Pea's! ;')