The A-Z of killing a Parktown Prawn

A – is for assassin. My accountant never arrived. Too busy filling in my tax returns and fighting with the receiver of revenue for me, I'd imagine. No other snipers available.

B – is for base of a lamp. My shell-encrusted lamp base from Amanzimtoti failed to make a dent. The fifth time.

C – is for cement. You could throw a blob of cement on the Parktown Prawn and hope is sets in time to entomb, and shortly thereafter, asphyxiate it.

D – is for dagger. There now is a steak knife wedged and sitting upright in the carpet. It looks ominous, I may leave it there.

E – is for elephant. If I had one lying around, perhaps the mighty beast could sit on the Parktown Prawn.

F - is for fist. But not mine. What if it spat that black stuff on me?

G – is for guns and gun. No gun in sight, and I'm too scared to ask the Nigerians three doors down. And I don't pump iron, so my guns aren't all that and a bag of chips.

H - is for Handy Andy. Parktown Prawns hunt in packs. Twos. I blasted the one. (Didn't die) But where is the other?

I – is for iron rod. Mrs Peacock in the billiard room with the iron rod.

J - is for Justin Trousersnake. Don't why I put him in here, but he is from Tennessee, and that makes him a graduate of the School Of Hard Knocks. He'd kill the prawn. He'd kill it good.

K – is for killing machine. The terminator wasn't around though. Or an exterminator.

L is for lassoo. You could make a mini one out of dental floss and throw it around the prawn's neck, and drag him to his lowly fate. But that only happens in movies.

M – is for mallet. A croquet mallet, the one with the surface area on each end. You'd smash the prawn on it's mandibles and then flick it gallantly out the window.

N - is for nail. But crucifixion is not a regal death, in fact I wouldn't do that to anything, even a Parktown Prawn. However, if it was dead, and you were a weirdo entomologist, you could nail it to the wall afterwards. Like a trophy. In the entrance hall where all your friends would marvel at it.

O – is for organ. You could drop one from the ceiling.

P – is for poltergeist. They're the ghosts with a chip on their shoulder. Parktown prawns wouldn't like that. Maybe.

Q - is for Queen, HRH The – Eddie Izzard was right, “Fuck off...I'm the bloody queen.” She can get a commando of soldiers for me and they can exterminate the house and cause general chaos through means of guerilla warfare in camo gear. They've fought for the Britsh Empire; they can kill a prawn.

R – is for Rottweiler. They eat random stuff don't they? Like moving prawns?

S - is for sinkhole. It killed a few families in Carletonville in the 60s, by sucking up their houses. I'm sure a sinkhole below my flat would do the same to the prawn. But I'll make sure I'm out grocery shopping.

T – is for tease. Tease it until it's doom. Tantalise the creature into a box, sweet talk it, then hurl box to Fourways, far away from your house.

U – is for uvula. When you scream, that jiggly thing in the back of your throat vibrates. If you scream loud enough maybe it'll die of deafness. Get him where he least expects it.

V - is for velocity. It takes speed and precision to outmind a Parktown Prawn. Something I didn't own last night.

W - is for water. Try and get it there first (see T), and then tidal wave it in the bath.

X - is for X-Ray, naturally. Gamma rays cause cancer, or over-exposure to. Ask your orthodontist if you can borrow his x-ray machine, set it on maximum exposure, and then while wearing a lead bonnet, x-ray him to sublimation.

Y - is for yellow. The colour said to most provoke feelings of suicide in mental patients. Wear a yellow shirt and hope for the best. Also drink lots of Tropika Pineapple in front of the prawn.

Z – is for Zorba. The Greek dude. Maybe he's good with Parktown Prawns, it's anyone's guess.