Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The A-Z of killing a Parktown Prawn

A – is for assassin. My accountant never arrived. Too busy filling in my tax returns and fighting with the receiver of revenue for me, I'd imagine. No other snipers available.

B – is for base of a lamp. My shell-encrusted lamp base from Amanzimtoti failed to make a dent. The fifth time.

C – is for cement. You could throw a blob of cement on the Parktown Prawn and hope is sets in time to entomb, and shortly thereafter, asphyxiate it.

D – is for dagger. There now is a steak knife wedged and sitting upright in the carpet. It looks ominous, I may leave it there.

E – is for elephant. If I had one lying around, perhaps the mighty beast could sit on the Parktown Prawn.

F - is for fist. But not mine. What if it spat that black stuff on me?

G – is for guns and gun. No gun in sight, and I'm too scared to ask the Nigerians three doors down. And I don't pump iron, so my guns aren't all that and a bag of chips.

H - is for Handy Andy. Parktown Prawns hunt in packs. Twos. I blasted the one. (Didn't die) But where is the other?

I – is for iron rod. Mrs Peacock in the billiard room with the iron rod.

J - is for Justin Trousersnake. Don't why I put him in here, but he is from Tennessee, and that makes him a graduate of the School Of Hard Knocks. He'd kill the prawn. He'd kill it good.

K – is for killing machine. The terminator wasn't around though. Or an exterminator.

L is for lassoo. You could make a mini one out of dental floss and throw it around the prawn's neck, and drag him to his lowly fate. But that only happens in movies.

M – is for mallet. A croquet mallet, the one with the surface area on each end. You'd smash the prawn on it's mandibles and then flick it gallantly out the window.

N - is for nail. But crucifixion is not a regal death, in fact I wouldn't do that to anything, even a Parktown Prawn. However, if it was dead, and you were a weirdo entomologist, you could nail it to the wall afterwards. Like a trophy. In the entrance hall where all your friends would marvel at it.

O – is for organ. You could drop one from the ceiling.

P – is for poltergeist. They're the ghosts with a chip on their shoulder. Parktown prawns wouldn't like that. Maybe.

Q - is for Queen, HRH The – Eddie Izzard was right, “Fuck off...I'm the bloody queen.” She can get a commando of soldiers for me and they can exterminate the house and cause general chaos through means of guerilla warfare in camo gear. They've fought for the Britsh Empire; they can kill a prawn.

R – is for Rottweiler. They eat random stuff don't they? Like moving prawns?

S - is for sinkhole. It killed a few families in Carletonville in the 60s, by sucking up their houses. I'm sure a sinkhole below my flat would do the same to the prawn. But I'll make sure I'm out grocery shopping.

T – is for tease. Tease it until it's doom. Tantalise the creature into a box, sweet talk it, then hurl box to Fourways, far away from your house.

U – is for uvula. When you scream, that jiggly thing in the back of your throat vibrates. If you scream loud enough maybe it'll die of deafness. Get him where he least expects it.

V - is for velocity. It takes speed and precision to outmind a Parktown Prawn. Something I didn't own last night.

W - is for water. Try and get it there first (see T), and then tidal wave it in the bath.

X - is for X-Ray, naturally. Gamma rays cause cancer, or over-exposure to. Ask your orthodontist if you can borrow his x-ray machine, set it on maximum exposure, and then while wearing a lead bonnet, x-ray him to sublimation.

Y - is for yellow. The colour said to most provoke feelings of suicide in mental patients. Wear a yellow shirt and hope for the best. Also drink lots of Tropika Pineapple in front of the prawn.

Z – is for Zorba. The Greek dude. Maybe he's good with Parktown Prawns, it's anyone's guess.


Mel said...

Evil bastards aren't they?! On visiting Jo'burg once, my cousin and I came home after a night out to find one parking (sorry!) on my pillow. We thought it would be a good idea to empty a can of Doom on it, then when paralysed, hurl a shoe at it. It worked - only problem was I couldn't sleep on that pillow unless I wanted to poison myself. I think it was all part of a bigger Parktown Prawn Plot...

Peas on Toast said...

Mel - ah yes. I am familiar with this concept. It's called the Prawn Rochochet Theory. Try and kill it, and it will kill you first. Mostly because it never dies in the first place, so therefore is filled with vengeful resentment.

That was a close one, I'm glad you got out alive.

Ruby said...

so peas....i'm wondering. Did you actually manage to kill the spawn of satan? or at least get rid of it?

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - sadly, no.

Martha Stewart and I have succumbed to putting towels under our bedroom doors in fear.

crayola dude said...

You should perhaps consider the old faithful 'Pot & Paper' method.

Big ass pot.

Bigger ass piece of stiff paper, or similar long, flat hard thing.

Sommer looi the pot over the garden shrimp, and when it's underneath, slide the cardboardy-thing under the pot, and you've got the fucker trapped.


Swear to god, those little shits are more bouyant than Sally Wigthorpes bosoms. And even if it does get flushed, you'll spend the rest of your life scared that as soon as you sit down to pee, the little bastards gonna come crawling up your chutney chute...

Peas on Toast said...

crayola - oh I have your back on this one.
One hears horror stories of the prawns crawling up from under the toilet makes me want to cry.

I wouldn't put that bugger anywhere near my crapper.

Champagne Heathen said...

The problem is, even if you should kill the supa-roach, you live in a block of flats... and it is doubtful your Mrs Shing (what's her name) would have managed to get rid of her own colony of the roaches... So basically, your efforts are just opening up a cosy digs for those prawns who are being currently forced to share a corner of dirt.


Peas on Toast said...

That's a super comforting thought, thanks man.

8Ball said...

Hello there Peas....such a good post thought I'd come out of retirement, see I have an unnatural fear of the Darktown Spawn..

Few comments - T...what about Big T himself? I can just see him now wielding his mighty hunting gun - would be fun to watch

X - come on Peasie, you're smarter than that. Have you forgotten what happened to The Hulk?! Imagine what would happen when you made a gamma-rayed prawn mad...My god man.
I have heard they run screaming from Xylophones though...

Z - good one. Zorba wouldn't rest until he'd crushed the fucker with a plate..

Peas on Toast said...

8ball - so bizarre, I was thinking of you last night in a "whatever ever happened to you in blogland" kinda way :)

So happy to see you around the place again!

Big T. Didn't think of him, sharp. Dress him in tweed, cocking his rifle and talking like a pirate. The prawn would run for the hills!

Brandon said...

Peas, you are completely cooked. You must be a hell of an entertainer at parties (excema and all)

Will no doubt see you at the 94.7, although I will have no idea who you are. I expect a funny hat. or bling outfit. or maybe just follow the excema follicles (sic).


Peas on Toast said...

Brandon - what a pretty picture that does spell. And you say cooked like it's bad thing.
Anyhoo, nay nay - I will be spectating this year. Don't want to mess with my new hairstyle and face after Saturday's makeover.

Good luck. Maybe afterwards your hair will fall out too, hunky bastard.

Ruby said...

maybe we should design a thing that shoots jik at parktown prawns...projectile style?

jik burns the crap out of them....which eventually kills them....or so they have led us to believe...i suppose it could be part of their evil plan to take over the world

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - now there's something that hasn't been invented yet. A Jik Sprayer. I'd patent that if I were you my dear - people steal ideas all the time :)

PS: And please can you send me one? Ta!

SheBee said...

I must have missed out on somefink.

what is a parktown prawn?

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - you're excused, you're from the land of milk and honey. A Parktown Prawn only resides in certain areas of Joburg.

It is a large, jumping, brown, fearless, human charging, spitting out black stuff thing that never dies. You can spray it with 20 cans of doom, or crush it with a frying pan, but it never dies. Grown men have cried over these things.

Ruby said...

thanx for the support peas! yep, i'll make sure to send you one as soon as we've sorted out the bugs(pardon the pun)

and fyi...they are even more indestructable than originally thought.....slowly driving over them in a car, pausing while the wheel is on top of them and then continuing doesn't kill them either hey!

Shebee...I don't know if this helps you at all.....but in Afrikaans it's known as a Koringkriek

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - shut up, seriously?
You actually rode over one, paused wheel-on-prawn and the thing still failed to shuffle off this mortal coil?

Amazing. And truly frightening at the same time.

Ruby said...

No really, i'm not kidding! It's ridiculously scary!

It looked dead for like a couple of seconds and then its' legs started to move and then it just got up and chased after me again......i still have nightmares(sniff sniff)

Chester Pillow said...

Bugs are people too!!!

Chester Pillow said...

Just look at Lizer Minelli, and Brad Pitt!

SheBee said...

No guys, seriously, shut up. This is gross.

I'm all weirded out.

Nessers said...

did you a cockroach does not die it you cut it's head off. It dies about 3 days later from starvation. I wonder in your prawns are the same

Peas on Toast said...

Chester - how you my long lost friend? And quite right. Quite right. That's why I stop at crucifixion.

SheBee - wait till you see one in real life. It's a hardcore experience, lass.

Nessers - I heard that too. But that would mean I'd actually have to touch it. Which is not gonna happen.

Koekie said...

L is for Lebanese... if Parktown prawns could pick a nationality. "Are you checkin' ME out... huh, bru?"

Mikw said...

The 10 Step guide to killing a prawn (This is a two man approach):

Tennis racket
A sturdy container that can close
A Brick

Approach slowly with the tennis racket while your partner stands by with the container and lid.
Step 2:
Prod the prawn to make it jump.
Step 3:
When it jumps, take a full swing with the racket, if you hit it against the wall hard enough, you may knock it out temporarily.
Step 4:
Quickly, get the prawn in the container before it recovers, move fast, it does not take long.
Step 5:
Find a solid piece of ground outside, this is the messy part.
Step 6:
Shake the container rapidly to knock the prawn out and chuck it on the ground.
Step 7:
Flatten the prawn with the brick.
Step 8:
Clean up the mess before the other prawns find out.
Step 9:
Run inside and lock all the doors and windows.
Step 10:
Seek councelling...

jayant_ramjee said...

You can squish them. You have to stand on them pretty hard though... and they pop. That's pretty gross though. And then you have to clean up all the gross squishiness even if it's outside or it stinks... horribly.

The other way is dishwash liquid... I'm guessing this does something similar to what jik does. You can dilute it with a little bit of water and pour it on them. If you get a decent amount on it, it usually dies within seconds but it's pretty difficult to get close enough to something that creepy looking to pour the solution on properly. I'm thinking of getting a really good water pistol so I can shoot it from a distance cos they pretty much jump straight at you... and if that works, I'm going prawn hunting.

Here's something scary that I've read though... they can lay anything between 80-200 creeps me out just typing that.

Janice said...

Believe it or not, I've trained my Daxie to catch the bloody things. After it rains he brings them in and decapitates them on the rug!

Definitely dood!

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