Tuesday, November 13, 2007

the new me is a-coming

Oh my God – how much do I love accountants right now? I think I may even be on the brink of falling in love with mine.

Yes, I have hired myself an accountant. It took long enough – after unsightly facial eczema, hair falling out from stress, sleepless nights and the “haggled look” my step-dad so mentioned in concern, I have started to rebuild my life.

Bugger you SARS, it' not over until the fat lady sings.

Tax is such a monolithically overwhelming stress, I often imagine running a scythe through the Taxman's head, and quite gleefully too. SARS makes me bipolar. It makes me feel lethal on the verge of frenzy. It spawns within me a blood pressure so astronomical, I feel my jugular pump in sinful quagmire.

Until my lovely new accountant breezed in, patted my head (while bits of hair fell onto my shoulders and my eczema itched), and spoke these unforgettable words, “No worries. I'll sort this all out for you...[for a nominal fee.]”

Bring on the nominal fee, I will cash in my Andy Warhol prints. No worries “I'll fiddle around with your numbers.” Never were such beautiful words spoken.

I admire those who do numbers. I can't write numbers down without panicking.

As a result of this, I'm making a few fucking changes around here:

1)I will be marched to Baze's capable hairdresser where she'll turn my crowning tumbleweed into a feast of glory. It will be spectacular, whatever she does. Better be. But it's got to be better than what's covering my koppel at the minute.

2)I will invest in an expensive pair of hair tongs. The one's that cost a small island. I can't be bothered to fanny about with hairdryers and shit. Much like I can't be bothered with tax returns and doctors appointments. But this weekend, this will all change. I will become high maintenance like the rest of my mates.

3)Sometimes you actually need to back off and look at things with a more casual eye. It's about being objective.

4)I will kill the Parktown Prawn that terrorised me and Martha Stewart in the lounge last night. There will be screeching, then jubilation and back-slapping.

5)I'm going to sort out this eczema with miracle cream. I will find it by the end of the week. Before I turn into Uncle Fester.

6)And consider riding that 94.7 this weekend. Dick is lending me his bike – the same one I used last year. It would help, but I'm not sure I'll make this one. I'm doubting it.

7)I felt like the redhead in Grey's Anatomy last night. Like nothing is meant to work out indefinitely. But I suppose I can always have great hair.


Anonymous said...

Hey, I had eczema on my foot a couple years ago, only instance in my life, dr said it could be from stress, anyways, he gave me a cream he mixes up, you must go to a dermatologist and get the same, it's tar, salicylic acid and a couple other ingredients, it works really, really well. If you're really interested I can check the other ingredients for you, so you can get the proper stuff. It'll work wonders!


Peas on Toast said...

Hey Chan
Thanks babe - that's exactly it - stress, so I'm off to a dermo to get my hands on this miracle potion.

I'm planning to wow the world this weekend. No More Mrs Fugly! :)

Amanzimtoti said...

My boyfriend and I also recently hired an accountant for the first time (he's footing the bill :) ). It's great hey? And they don't even charge that much! Who knew?

kyknoord said...

I'll loan you my clippers if you like. Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Peas on Toast said...

Toti - I know! I could've saved myself years of stress and near heart attacks if I'd just gone and flipping hired one from the beginning!

I'm so stoked. I'm in love with my accountant. Already.

Kyk - Don't joke. My mother and mates cut my hair, sometimes I even do it myself. Then I realised maybe I should actually be a normal girl and afford myself the luxury of a real hair appointment. I may actually step out looking nice for a change.

Storm said...

see peasy??!!! i told you guys we were fab:-)

Auditors, accountants and tax consultants........we're the friends nobody can do without once they hired us;-p

Nessers said...

I am also doing 94,7 on Sunday - drink lots an eat all the time - take Gu for an emergency and you will be fine

I will wave if I see a totally green individual riding cos I know it will be you heheh

Good luck and have a safe ride

Ruby said...

I wish i had the guts to do the 94.7!!!!! guts aint my only problem, but i'm guessing it's the only valid one tho.
1. No bike
2. No training
3. No guts

i'm sure you'll be fine tho. You did it last year without too much training before hand didn't you?

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - I love you guys. Whatever I have said about accountants in the past, ignore. Not that I've said anything. :)

Nessers - good luck! I did it last year but with much more preparation. The carboloading starts on Wednesday - if I do it. Still in two minds. No pressure or anything.

Ruby - yep, that's pretty much me at this point! Was way more into it last year, so we'll see...:)

Storm said...

oh my goodness! have you guys tried doing that turning lady thing on champs blog?? it's crazy!!!!

Revolving Credit said...

Hairy tong?? Are those anything like braai tings that weren't cleaned after the last braai???

Pray tell, how do you plan on using this to kill the Parktown prawn?? or is that a job for your accountant?

Storm said...

Rev, accountants hate insects...thats why we became accountants and not adveturers or game rangers or something

Peas on Toast said...

Revsicle - a hairy tong? That must be chinese for a hairy thong! Perhaps I'll get my accountant to smother the creature in a hairy thong...for a nominal fee of course.

The Divine Miss M said...

Kill the parktown prawn? ha! I'd like to see that, those things are indestructible!

Good luck on the improving your life mission ;)

Vimbai said...

You have your own version of the Itchy and Scratchy show going on, you are not alone! When summer hits, eczema always joins the party...nothing a little hyrdrocortisone cream can't handle.

PS Never fall in love with an accountant, they're too stingy and prudent for their own darn good! They would measure your relationship in terms of Assets and Liabilities eg Asset - Shags, Liability - Her over-protective pooch!

Revolving Credit said...

Are accountants any good with braai tongs?

Peas, you must have noticed that I occasionally get my spelling and grammar a bit muddled. I generally attribute this to laziness coupled with a mild case of dyslexia.

Therefore, when I first read :

And consider riding that 94.7 this weekend.

I read it as:

And consider riding that 747 this weekend.


Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - that parktown prawn is going DOWN. DOWN! IT'S DOOOMED!

(I will have to kill it from a distance though. Using my special laserrr beam.)

Vimbai - yeah, I've never had eczema before. It was horrifying to see it. :( And it just never goes away!

Rev - ah, if only. He's away this weekend with other people. :(

Insane Insomniac said...

Advice from me:
Hair - one bottle of wine/vodka/gin. Add one ladies Bic razor. Result - razor sharp edgy haircut that will let everyone know you're the shit!
Eczema - jungle oats in your bath water. then use a tar based lotion on your skin. there is also a tar based shampoo for your scalp.
Accountants - They're fab as long as you're not dating one.

Storm said...

good thing i'm a bloody Auditor and not an accountant....jeeze!

Revolving Credit said...

Before you ride a 747, best you have it's engine checked else you may be surprised by little bits coming off during takeoff!

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - I'm not conservative in nature with most things, but when it comes to hair I'm a real prude. Shaving it all off GI Jane style would take a handful of narcotics my dear.

Storm - ok, at the risk of sounding uninformed - what's the difference babe? (Pre-articles maybe?)

Rev - ha ha, someone just wrote about it on Wibble. It's a little unnerving these plane engines.

Storm said...

awe, its allright...we'll forgive you:-)

An accountant is someone who does the mundane day to day recording of the financial stuff that happens. Prepares financial records etc.

an Auditor is someone who checks the work of the accountant. We ensure that there are no fraud etc. We ensure compliance with the tax laws, company act, VAT act and more

i guess auditors and accountants are the only ones who really cares about the difference really:-)

but i'm not stingy nor prudent and i sure as hell don't measure my relationships in Assets and liabilities.

the woes of being stereotyped....sigh

Peas on Toast said...

Ah thanks Storm - see one can learn much from blogging :)

The woes of being stereotyped indeed.

I'm a high maintenance whoremongering bitch. But see that's where stereotyping isn't great, cos actually I'm a nice friendly person with a lot of love to give. :)

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, when claiming business expenses, if you stated that you sent R3000 on sexy lingery as part of your corporate dress code.

The accountant would record the fact that you bought 20 pairs of designer knickers, but here's the question, aimed at Storm: Would the auditor have to come around and rummage through your doondie drawers, so as to verify that you actually bought them??

Simply stated, do auditors spend their lives checking out other peoples drawers?

Peas on Toast said...

Well yes and no.
I'd imagine if SARS kicked up a fuss, they'd want proof. I'm thinking R3000 in corporate doondies may get them a bit suss. I mean, I'm not a hooker Rev.

Revolving Credit said...

You're only a hooker if you charge for it!
If you wear it, show a bit of lace off and get generally wined and dined while looking good, you're in PR and/or Advertising!

Call it Wibble marketing cost!

Peas on Toast said...

Nah Rev, I don't need to go beyond the doondie line to prove my worth china. :)

I'm a bit of a bra burner, see. Love me for my brains, not my doondies.

Storm said...

well rev, to be quite honest.....we wouldn't check all of them.

we'd calculate a sample size based on peasy's fraud risk. And then we'll need to verify a sample from her drawers.

So yes....i go through other people's drawers so to speak. But in Peas' case i'll make sure we send her a super hot young audit clerk to do the counting;-p

The Divine Miss M said...

Peas - I'm the designated house spider getter ridder as my housemate is terrified of them. But when I'm SA I have a mobid fear of cockroaches and have to get people to come and kill them for me because I refuse to be in the house alone if I see one. They scare the crap out of me.

Good luck on the prawn - those things are evil bastards.

Keep me updated on the fight tonight!

Ruby said...

Try drowning it with jik and then cover it up with a bucket. Leave it for a while and then try and move it to the loo. some domestos or more jik in the bowl and flush....voila!!!

pls remember the extra jik, otherwise they tend to climb outa the toilet again......those things just never say die man...yuck!

storm said...

Miss Divine.....how much do you charge???? i am scared sh*tless of spiders and they tend to follow me around........pls pls can i phone you in future in stead of colapsing in a bawling pathetic little heap on the floor while i try my best to be brave????

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M and Ruby - shitters guys, this means I have to projectile spray Jik onto the thing from a distance. Cos it charges you when you corner it. Then spits out black stuff.

And yes, they never die. Ever.

I'd better call my accountant.

Anonymous said...

sorry peas, i missed your call

Why on earth do you need my assistance now??? i thought we sorted out the tax crap...

Toasty Accountant

The Divine Miss M said...

Peas - sure you can, but you'd have to wait an awful long time for me to get on the flight :(

I trap them under glasses and then slide paper underneath and then throw them outside into the garden. It's a fun procedure, spiders don't scare me, it's cockroaches that do!!!

Parktown prawns sound scary, I've never encountered them. Do they have personality and free will? *scared*

Peas on Toast said...

Toasty Accountant - I have a bit of a n evasion problem. And since you deal with tax evasion, I thought you might do evasions. I am evading an invasion by a creature so foul, it makes your testicles drop.

Miss M - not only do the have personality, they have a taste for human blood. They're quite predatory.

Anonymous said...


Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yikes, hello. Ok. We're Virgos. Therefore we're perfectionists, expect perfection, are anal, and supersonically clever. I'd say use those skills my dear and leave the bastard.

It's easy to say though, I don't know your story. I wish you lots of strength.