Tuesday, January 08, 2008

aunty peas, the pipe blower

'Twas almost the night before Christmas. Give or take. The protagonist is seen making her way to her car, after klapping a tequila for the road. She'd been wining (vodka and sodaring) and dining with her friends at a restaurant.

Nearly home. Turn abruptly left into...a massive road block. I'm not hammered; but I'm not a contestant in Who Wants To Be A Practicing Nun either.

They are stopping every single car, including mine.

Cop: Shining torch into my face. (How's that eczema at close range, big guy?) “Have you been drinking?”

Peas: “I've had two drinks. In four hours.” (Not completely a blatant lie. Just a very obscure form of the truth.)

Cop: “License please. And then I'm going to breathalise you.”

Peas: (Now shaking uncontrollably as I do when I'm mortally and crazily terrified) “Sorry I'm shaking so much Mr Officer.. (I said that. “Mr Officer.” What am I, in Beverly Hills Cop?) “...I'm just scared because I've never done that before. You know, blown on a policeman's pipe.”

I said that too. Blown on a policeman's pipe. I'd, in some frame of context, just informed him, I wasn't in no uncertain terms, going to blow the bejesus out of him. Great start.

Mr Officer: “Do you know what the limit is? It's 0.5. Tembo, wena! uBreathaliser uMachine.
If you're over that limit, you will be put in the back of that van, you will then go to jail until next Thursday, then we will take your blood; you will go to court and you will be charged.”

The shaking has just been given an oral performance enhancer. I can barely breathe.

Peas: (Squeaks). “OK, you know I live about 150 metres from here.”

Mr Officer: “Breathe into this.”

Aunty Peas blows it. And for the 0.2 seconds it takes to register the results, she thinks, Jail until Thursday. Maybe I'll survive, I mean, I don't need to be in the office, so I don't need to explain my whereabouts to my boss...

Mr Officer: (Hides the results. Either way it can't be under. It can't be way over either. I mean I just sobered up completely in the last 5 seconds of pure torture.)
“Bad news.”

Peas: Jesus fuck.

Mr Officer: “Your car license disc has expired.”

Peas: What?

Mr Officer: "You want me to charge you for drunken driving or for an expired license disc?"

Peas: Um...if we have to choose, can we do the car license disc?


Mr Officer: "That disc expired nine days ago."

Peas: "Dude. I mean Mr Officer. I haven't had a chance to do my Christmas shopping yet. I haven't even had a chance to basically shave my legs for three days and I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but please don't fine me. I have really really good intentions to go to the traffic department really really soon and get it done and I know you just doing your job, but please don't fine me....please?"

(So excited I'm wearing a low slung top with a push-up bra that sort-of half spills my tiny noombies out of my shirt.)

Mr Officer: "But my colleagues will see me let you off."

Peas: "You're so handsome."

Mr Officer: "Eish what?"

Peas: "Sorry, sorry. I just really think I will sort it out, I promise."

Mr Officer: "OK you can go."

Peas: "Beg pardon?...oh fuck that's fantastic thanks so much bye."

That's still not the reason why I'm not drinking. As terrifying as it was. And it could've been a whole lot worse. But it's not the reason. Although, now I will voluntarily stop at road blocks and blow their pipes just to show 'em.


Anonymous said...

How did that song go? "Play the pipes of Peas", I think.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - not familair with that one, but I liiiike. It reminds me of making sexytime.


MeeA said...


Peas? Fuck, that was beautiful! Brings tears to my eyes, I tell you.

Ruby said...

shame dollface!!! that's pretty scary. the ex dude and I once swopped seats in the car since he was over and I wasn't..(I was on meds) while we were driving about 50m from the roadblock........and then they ended up not stopping us anyway....

Champagne Heathen said...

Good to hear they were just out to scare the fck out of you & not lock you up. Their campaign is actually doing well... I wasn't drinking for my last weekends in Jozi in Dec cause I just was not in the mood to deal with roadblocks - read: their scare tactic def worked on me.

I think most of your male readers are still stuck on the pic in this post...

Peas on Toast said...

Meea - ha ha, shpanks :)

Ruby - yikes and they didn't see you? I thought of pulling over and just sit and chill on the side of the road for a few hours, but I was already in the roadblock queue.

Champers - their scare tactics are hardcore hey. And they fucking work. I was meant to go out jolling afterwards, but lost my party mojo after that happened!

boldly benny said...

Hola Peas and happy 2008!

Your tale was TERRIFYING! I've been here before!

The stuff up is that when you're not drinking they don't pull you over - it's like you have this air of eagerness to breathalise! However, I couldn't drink last year for about a month as my doctor thought I was diabetic. I did get pulled over in a road block and the cop asked me if I'd been drinking, I said told him no and then he asked me WHY! I then had to explain that I might have diabetes and THEN I had to explain to him what diabetes is!

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - hola muchacha! Happy New Year to you too!

He actually asked you "WHY?" (Why haven't you been smashing tequila in your face?" Ermmm...because I prefer the taste of apple juice Mr Officer?)

That's crazy - and on that note, you don't have diabetes do you?

Ruby said...

nope - we were moving all the time, and it was dark, and we had the presence of mind to put the lights on bright....so they were a bit blinded. was a precarious process tho!

boldly benny said...

I know it was nuts, I kinda did a double take when he said why!

Thankfully I don't have diabetes - it's not in my family so the chances were minimal but my body doesn't really process sugar!

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - you're a clever little thing - all that shifting and light blinding in five crucial seconds - I'm not sure whether I'd have been as sharp!

Boldly - glad to hear you don't have it, but now my next question: where does the sugar go? If it's not processed? Does this mean it bypasses the pancreas and the insulin altogether?

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas, they're not entirely sure what's happening at the moment (GREAT posistion to be in) but from what they can tell it bypasses my pancreas so I'm now on sugar pills that encourage the absorption of sugar and prevent it from leaving the pancreas.
My doctor also said that the pills will prevent me from putting on butt loads of weight and going potters because sugar can convert into a hormone!
Hope you enjoyed a rather bizarre insight into my health ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Wow Benny, that's insane. Interesting as well. Shit, well I hope they manage to work it all out. (Perhaps your pancreas isn't in the path of delivery...you know..maybe it's where your spleen is. I reckon you bring that up with them.)

boldly benny said...

That's interesting - thanks Peas! Will discuss it with my doc at my next check up.

karaoke queen said...

Happy New Year Peas!!!!! :D

3rm said...

did you get your boobs done over the holidays?

Peas on Toast said...

karaoke queen - happy new year too babe!

3rm - yeah, you like? eat your heart out, bugger :)

Jam said...

I ended my Christmas eve performance with:
"Officer, you're the nicest man I've ever met. Really."
*cue screech of wheels as I leave the scene of my recent crime*

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - it's amazing how similar our Xmas eve experiences were...uncanny!