Monday, January 07, 2008

sobriety club



It's really awesome. When you're president of the most fun-tastic society in town. Everyone wants a piece of me, everyone wants to be me. Mr 747 has also decided to go on a two month alcohol ban, and I am thinking Friday nights will be a real ripper handling this one day at a time. It's been almost a week.

Although admittedly, we did those annoying “High On Life!” activities this weekend, that everyone promises to do, but never does. Except join a church that is. That won't happen, so save the eye rolling, assholes.

We went ice skating yesterday. We took the dog on a walk. Twice. We drove around town endlessly. Twice. We're eating more pizzas than Luciano Pavarotti when he was alive.
I've started knitting.
Fucking knitting.

It's only a matter of time until I start growing clivias hydroponically, or start picking my toenails in public.

Sobriety Club! You wanna be part of the action? You wanna piece of the magic? You wanna sit in a restaurant, smashing overpriced rock shandys and mocktails, while the table next to yours klaps cold beers and gets loud and obnoxious? You want to be completely MISERABLE for a good cause?

Then Sobriety Club is for you! As my Vice President correctly quotes: “It's life...but without the good bits!”
Because life IS worth living without the small pleasures isn't it!
And if that's not enough to convince you, while your mates taste the sweet, eridescent velour of Jaegermiester, you'll be in bed by 9:00pm after watching the
E! True Hollywood Story of Evel Knievel, because you have bugger all to do on a Friday night!

Suddenly you'll have all this spare time on your hands! You'll scratch your nether regions in public, make endless cups of tea, and eat shitloads of chocolate truffles because your body cannot
believe you're depriving it of it's basic joy in life: Bacardi Breezers. It's that great! This is not just a marketing pitch!

And that's not all! While the other members of Sobriety Club have only signed up for the month of January – my extreme and impulsive nature has locked me into a
two month contract! Two months of being High on Life, yes, I want to vomit too!
As the President of Sobriety Club, my social occasions with mates will end up being “breakfast on Saturday morning,” because I know that none of them will pop open a Savanna over their bacon and eggs!

The good news is you'll completely over-analyse the meaning of life in Sobriety Club, by trying to make sense of what's the point in living when you can't just pop over to the pub and savour the crisp, cold, frothy pint you've worked so hard for during the week! Extra good news: You won't overreact to anything – in fact – your mood will stabilise into a placid, smooth-rolling machine, and you'll spend more on petrol when driving around aimlessly to find stuff to do instead! Does this sound too good to be true? It's not!

You'll probably knit five scarves at Stitch 'n Bitch Club. And you'll be calm and collected as you sip on lime and soda. You won't be the kid who dry humps the walls at The Colony Arms anymore! Isn't that fantastic?
Join now! It's FREE!
Sobriety Club kicks the shit out of any club you'll ever join! Phone 0800FINDANEWHOBBYNOWBEFOREYOUGOINSANE for more information!


I'm really really happy 747 is doing this with me. And that mum has a spare set of knitting needles for me to borrow. Which I'll try not to poke my eyes out with.

13 comments:

Elle said...

oh dear. it cant be all bad? I mean you have a clear mind all the time now :). however i've been off the good stuff for while, at first it was weird to not pop open nice bottle of merlot when the mood demanded. but you get use to it. however after your vivid descriptions i'm thinking i might go out tonight and have me a manhattan. :) happy new year peas :)

Peas on Toast said...

hey elle! Happy New Year to you too, and here's hoping you have a brilliant one.

Yeah it's not all bad - I mean there's a reason I'm doing it, and just mentioning about Mandogs reminds me why! :)
xx

kyknoord said...

"It's life...but without the good bits!":
Spastic dance moves
Unsanctioned YouTube videos
Mysterious time gaps
Toilet hair
Inexplicably ugly bed parters
and so forth

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Kyk, I knew you'd understand :)

Can I continue?

No hangovers
No cop avoidance
No pissing my salary away
No drunken drama
No the taste of tequila first thing in the morgen

And, I can STILL sing karaoke! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

2 whole months. Bluddy hell. Your liver is going to owe you big time for this one. I am only in it for a month. All the best to you, and more NB - Happy Happy 2008!

Ordinarylife said...

Good luck!

I have been trying the cutting back since August - something to do with loosing a night on my honeymoon, never being allowed back into the town of Paternoster and thinking my husband would divorce me before we even got home.

So far it is going well and it is amazing what you suddenly achieve when you don't have a pounding head the whole of the next day.

ChewTheCud said...

Crazy Woman!

I tried that for a while last year. It kinda kills the fun. Or maybe you just get up to much crazier shit when you're a bit inebriated. Dunno. But I fell off that wagon. Moderation I think is the best answer ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - yip, and even after the two months, I'm never going to be that crazy kid that dry humps walls etc again.
How's that hey? ;) Happy New Year to you Champs, hope it's a corker!

ordinarylife - shit, that sounds a bit like my [previous] life, except without the honeymoon and a different location! Yeah I'm already starting to see things crystal clear and shit it's nice, well done you!

Chew - it may kill the fun...but remember, I'm HIGH ON LIFE!
PS: God I'm gonna love being annoying during this time! x Happy New Year babe!

Revolving Credit said...

Cool, have you knitted any of those barbie doll toilet-roll holders yet??

Or a nice little doggie jersey??

Will look out for pictures of you, in the community newspaper, selling them at the local church bazaar.

Vimbai said...

So the January detox begins, my hat comes off to you!

Knitting, lol, okay i shouldnt scoff i have a bright green and purple scarf from my last attempt at it! Unlike me, i hope you knit something you can actually use or wear!

PS hope you have a superb 2008!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I plan to knit a brand new toilet seat cover for our water closet at home. Don't be jealous of my new glamourous lifestyle, all you gotta do is phone the tollfree number and we'll send you a membership badge for Sobriety Club too!

Vimbai - happy new year dollface! And thanks, my hat comes off to me as well...a purple and green scarf sounds like a hit for this coming winter! :)

The Divine Miss M said...

You're not going out? Weirdo! I still end up going out with my friends even though I'm not drinking much. Join them for a drink and watch them end up spirling into a horrid stupid drunken mess - it's quite fun actually ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - this weirdo wants to adapt to the zero amount of alcohol coursing through her veins until at least friday, where I'll have to grit my teeth and see everyone in a pubby atmosphere no doubt - and watching them off their faces should be a hoot - maybe for about five seconds. :)