Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dear Peas O'Toast (aka Zurb 5-P)

I stumbled across a kiff site yesterday. This “Stumbling' thing is another post all on its own – I am addicted to the Internet right now and am foreseeing a problem - but that's another day. Anyway it's called Future Me. You write to yourself in the future. And you can read other future letters – blog-style format. So I penned one of my own.

Dear Future Me,

Well it's 2035, you're 55-years old, and still alive. That's pretty swell, if not amazing. It's probably because of that boozing you gave up for two months back in 2008. Sure you jumped back on the wagon, but at least you finally sorted your shit out and all that. So Future Me, you look like you're happy. You speak fluent German, and you've written a book. Oh look you have two kids! Interesting, one is studying to be a doctor, and the other is a rebellious teenager who listens to Death Metal and paints stick figures onto canvas while wearing kaftans. Look at your global warming bunker, what a masterpiece! All that Bauhaus furniture and the sound system in the bathroom is remarkable. How's the holiday bunker in Provence?

Your current addiction to the Internet is taking its toll though: how those bifocals? You're losing your memory from all those biftas you used to smoke back in the good 'ol days, and you now have eight sets of car keys. Good plan.

The great thing is you seem pretty chilled. And your ass is bun-steel toned, so you did get back on that bicycle eventually. Just in time, I'd say. Just a pity about those God, look at your boobs! They've grown. Apparently your husband invented a pill that you swallow and you suddenly wake up with a ginormous set of bosoms. (With no side affects). They just must look saggy because you're leaning over in your profile picture. (Remember how we used to use Facebook? That site was so lame, all it did was tag pictures, buy you fake fish and poke you. If only was around in those days.)

So this global warming is intense hey. How's your solar-powered bunker handling all the hurricanes? Your neighbours are having problems with their interior refrigeration panels, you should probably tell them to move to the coast - you know, Bloemfontein-On-Sea or something. Your folks have retired there, and they seem to enjoy zooting around on those old people golf-carts and play bingo...) Plus the sea is totally swimmable there. Now that all that sharks have been raped and pillaged, there are no issues with being eaten.

Since cigarettes were re-engineered in 2034 to release vitamins from the tobacco, and nicotine has been declared not bad for you, you must be puff puffing away in absolute bliss!

Anyway Future Me, please telepathically call me with your head chip. How hard can it be, just to say howzit through your Craniotic Identity Chip? Keep contact, I want to know just how great it will be to be Future Me, and I worry the terrorists have got to you if you don't call. I lost your number on my “cell phone.” (HA HA HA Remember those?? CLASSIC.)

Maňana amigo,
Present Peas On Toast

We could reply too:

Dear Past Me

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in. Life's good, bitch. Kids are fine, although I'm slightly concerned about my daughter's strange paintings that she's auctioning off on the Moon. The moon has an annual flea market, see, and she reckons there's good business up there, what with the galaxy's boom period and people decorating their new holiday bunkers.
Anyhoo, the hubby is great, I have 8 dogs – one is a Dobermann Pinscher called Schnappsie, and my hydroponically-grown lavender in Menerbes, Provence is doing just great.
I'm quite into gardening these days, you know, since I retired on my husbank's Grow-Boob pill patent. We read the latest Bill Bryson, Neither Here Nor There: A trip to Uranus, which we both enjoyed. Now that we have those computer-generated flashy speed reading spectacles, we got through it in 5 minutes.
I'm happy, well-adjusted, and go on holiday all the time: our favourite place is Costa Del Graaf Reinet. We have a fabulous beach bunker, and the global warming gives us a lovely all-round tan.

PS: Hope the signal wasn't too bad. We've been having terrible hurricanes lately. But my Craniotic Identity Chip doesn't work so hot when there's bad weather. So hopefully my telepathic message got through ok.
Check you in the future china, and Gloob enhaustrf! - That means “go well” in Xenon-3D. It's a Saturnistic alien language, and I'm taking classes in it at the moment. German has nothing on this shit.
Future Peas On Toast


Anonymous said...

Good times. *sigh*

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

I loved this one - "goddamn you were such a dork"

Future self,

You'll never get this email. Be it because you'll have changed your email between now and then, or because this web site will be defunct by the time you read this.

However, if you do get this email, I would like to impart some wizdom to you:

In your early twenties you carried around a note you wrote to yourself in the future when you were 13years, 20hours, 10min and 42sec. old. It reads:

Dear future self:

You have done thing's [sic] I've never done, seen things I've never seen, and heard things I've never heard.
You should be proud.

God, damn. You were a dork.
(written Sat Nov 15, 2003, to be delivered Sun Dec 31, 2028)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Indeed, just think how easy it will be to Drunk Dial with a Craniotic Micro Chip? Shitters. :)

Thrills - classic, and she's only 13. Loved the "impart some wizdom..."


Elle said...

it's fantastic. i've written to both my future and past selves, though none of then replied, i found i yelled at my past self for not working hard enough to start varsity at 15 and commended my future on being sued before twenty and being a media giant by 35. it's very career related you see.

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - you shat on yourself for not getting into varsity at 15 my love?
Shit hey, it must be tough being your Past Self with all that pressure! :)

But being sued by 20 is quite a feat, well done! ha ha! :)

Tam said...

I loved this one...
I, too, seem addicted to internet

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poems you write
Have always been poo

So I'm wondering if
After all this time
Your poety does
Slightly more than just rhyme

It would be really cool
If you could just use
Slightly more imagery
Than reds & blues

In the age this was written
You just didn't care
You sat and just viewed
The world from your chair

So i wish for the future
That you have grown
To make observations
And thoughts of your own

Its more than just poetry
Its your whole world view
That at present must rhyme
With the colour of blue

In 3 years of life
One hopes you can learn
How to display your views
With a bit more concern

For literary devices
For an interesting read
Oh such a cool thing
That would be to achieve

I don't want riches or beauties
In 3 long years time
Just the ability
To write a good rhyme

Peas on Toast said...

Tam - that's brilliant!

Conversely, I spotted a more contrived one saying something like,
OMG. Future Self, I'm so in love with Gary Jacobs. I know I'm only 15, but I think we'll be married by the time you read this again, and I sure hope so. I mean, I'm a cheerleader and everything.


Anonymous said...

Hi Peas.

I love your blog, its just hill-hairy-arse.. you're a funny funny lady!

The future me thing is a great idea isn't it..

this ones funny..

Dear FutureMe, if you're getting this email you're a dumbass. Your 21st birthday was last night so you better be so fucking hungover you wont read this until the 25th.

ha ha.

Keep up the good work missus. xo M

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - Thanks very much! :)

Ha ha ha, love that the person is surfing Future Me on a hangover a day after his/her 21st. Most people spend the day with their heads in a cotch bucket....

Goblin said...

Haha classic.
In the future you're really going to have to let us all know if you were able to find this little letter again and had a "God, damn, You were a dork." moment ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Goblin!

Yeah I think it's set in stone that I'll have a "God you were an idiot" moment. :)
("Bunkers? I wish. We're all living under the Earth's crust in aerodomic caves!")

KaB said...

Where the fuck does your brain come from?!? Brilliant...very funny! I love the futuristic talk bollocks!

I wonder what life will be like way back then!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - it's tough to pinpoint from whence my brain doth hail. :)

And good plan, we should write to our Past Lives Self.

(Dear Past Life Me,
How is the Renaissance? Shit luck on being a peasant and having an affair with the Marquis de Sade...I warned you about that fellow. I even sent you a telegram via that homing pigeon.....")

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Oh. My. God! You have heard the phrase: Sharing is caring!
Right. With that said, you need to share whatever it is you're on with us bloggers.
Good grief, I nearly wet myself. That was wee embarrassing *scuse the pun* crab running (I think there's such a thing) down the corridor of the office after reading this...people looked at me like: "Oh that crazy woman again!"

Bloem by the sea! Classic!

Peas on Toast said...

Blog Bombshell - Babe, ha ha! Your comment just made me burst into laughter, so thank you too :)

The scary thing is I aint on anything right now. If I keep up this kind of sobriety, it may just actually benefit me in all spheres, eh?

BecauseIcan said...


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