Friday, March 07, 2008


The Lion reckons he can sell, buy, bargain anything. He says it's because he's Indian. I believe it's because he wears a t-shirt that says, I have a black belt in keeping it real. Whatever.

How to bargain, let's see the tried and tested tactics we have at hand:

I see a blow up doll on sale at Panorama Flea Market. I think it would look nice in my living room.

Peas: How much?
Dude: 250.
Peas: I only have 170 on me.
Dude: 250.
Peas: But I only have 170 on me.
Dude: OK...240.
Peas: But I only have 170 on me.
Dude: OK 210.
Peas: But I only have 170 on me.
Dude: OK 180.
Peas: But I only have 170 on me.
Dude: OK fine.


Lion sees a jacket he digs at the Oriental Plaza. It'll look great with his I'm kinda like a big deal t-shirt:

Lion: How much?
Dude: 180.
Lion: Well I have 100.
Dude: OK I'll give it to you for 170.
Lion: OK I'll give you 90.

(Did you see that? He goes down even more than what he has. It's outright, it's brash, it's cutting edge, it's bold, it's brave – it's sensational.)

Dude: Are you fucking kidding me?
Lion: Fine then. I'll give you 80. Last offer.
Dude: What are you, a joke? 150, that's that.
Lion: Fine, fine, I'll give you 80 or 100. Last offer before I go next door.
Dude: OK 100. (Like he's gonna take the 80).


I see a DVD in Bangkok I want. I desperately want it but I actually don't desperately need it. This is important to establish before you head for the kill:

Peas: Sawa Dee Kah! I want this DVD. How much?
Lady: 100 baht (about R20. And believe you me, as cheap as it is, the bargaining is going to be the best part of the entire deal. Even more than the ending of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels itself.)

Peas: No ways. No ways No ways. Goodbye, I'm going next door.
Lady: How much you want it.
Peas: Not that badly. I'll get it for 50 baht over there. They already told me.
Lady: No! Fa yu. (Fuck me? Fuck you!)
Peas: Ah well, I'm just going to go over there and buy it for 50.
Lady: She won't quality like mine (Note prepositions aren't included.)
Peas: OK, that's alright. See you.
Lady: Fine 80 baht. No less!
Peas: It's still not 50 baht.
Lady: 70 baht, otherwise next customer.
Peas: Oh look I found an extra 10 baht. That means I got 60. See? 60.
Lady: Fine. Now get out face.
Peas: Ka-kuhn ka!

Rosebank flea market. I see two bracelets that would look smoking hot together. I have to have the two together. Deal or no deal? I've only got R120, and each costs R90.

Peas: Oh what a pity. I have R120 and I will only buy them as a unit. Sorry man.
Dude: OK shweet, sold.

Peas: Really??
Dude: No. Are you fucking kidding me? I have a starving child at home.
Peas: Really??
Dude: Yes really.
Peas: Oh. Wouldn't it be better though to get my R120 than nothing at all for your starving child? R120 will get you two square meals.
Dude: No. Because the lady behind you has the full R180 and if I wait, she'll pay the full amount I'm asking for.
Peas: Maybe she doesn't want them together. She'll just buy one, which means you'll only get R90, not R120. Which is only one meal.
Dude: I'll take my chances.
Peas: OK, well I don't want these that badly anyway. I'll go get a 2 for 1 deal anywhere here, it's a flea market, people are usually open to bargains. Because a sale is better than no sale at all.
Dude: OK, good luck.
Peas: Bye. I'm walking...I'm going...
Dude: OK bye.

I walk and then come back 10 minutes later.

Peas: Remember me?
Dude: Great. You again.
Peas: Interestingly, the man over there at HoDDogs R Us? He's offered to give me 30 hot dogs for R120.
Dude: Whatever man, that's not true.
Peas: The funny thing is, he can now go home, because I have bought him out of hot dogs for the day. He's finished, and can go home and spend time with his family, and reorder more stock for next time. Unbelievable hey.
Dude: Lucky him.
Peas: Yeah, you're probably going to be here all day long.
Dude: Yeah, at least I can get away from the wife.

You'd at this stage believe that my bargaining tactic isn't going too well. You're wrong.

Peas: These bracelets look pretty similar to the ones at YDE.
Dude: They're the same, mine are just cheaper.
Peas: Yeah, these look like factory rejects.
Dude: No they're not! There's nothing wrong with them!
Peas: I dunno, if I can see they're a little...rejected, so will everyone.
Dude: Look if you go away and never come back here again, and maybe buy me one of those hot dogs, I'll give you the frigging bracelets for 150.
Peas: Hmmmmmm. Yeah, I guess. Although I don't know if I want them anymore.
Dude: Just take them. Fine 120. Go.
Peas: Ag ok, might as well.



Anonymous said...

Sound a bit like my divorce:
She: I want all your assets. And your soul. And your testicles.
Me: Okay

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Kyk, you amusing man. :)

I presume you were too exhausted for:
I'll give you my testicles and the house. But the dog and the smoothie maker are MINE.
She: No, the smoothie maker is mine.
Fine. Then I get the toaster. End of story, case closed.

Betenoir said...

you're evil! (O __ O)

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - oh no, am I? If I was rich maybe I'd be more saintly :)

Boobah's Mom said...

Ooooh, I wish I could bargain like that. Wait, I wish i could BARGAIN. Point.

I suck at that. I feel too bad for asking for less, cos it feels as if I'm screwig them outta money...

Revolving Credit said...

Only 5 dollar, luv you long time!

Peas on Toast said...

Boobah's Mom - Hiya - no you make a relevant point (which is why Bete called me evil), they are trying to make a living. But I still reckon a sale is a sale no matter what. And perhaps you have a bigger conscience than I.

Rev - why, thank you!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

My God! If you ever have to fill out a questionaire that asks you for your talents...this is one of the many!


The Divine Miss M said...

I suck at bargining.

I always fall hook line and sinker for their sob story and end up offering more money than what they are worth.

Basically I'm not allowed at flea markets.

fush and chips said...

This last article was the proverbial straw. You were so clever, witty and funny. These last months, its seems you've lost your zing. Posts read like they're phoned in. When once I used to look forward to them, now I glance at your blog occasionally, with a sigh. You've lost a (previously ardent) fan. This is just my humble opinion. Bring back mad, bad and good Peas!

Anonymous said...

Charming, to the above. If you got nothing nice to say then don't bother!

Peas, i think your clever witty and as stark raving mad as ever!!! Love you for it...


arcadia said...

cool post.

i absolutely suck at bartering. i'm the one who falls for the 'i-have-hungry-children-at-home'-line.

Alya said...

I am THE WORST barter-er in the world. I couldnt bargain even if my life depended on it.