Thursday, March 06, 2008

when you're in limbo

(And by limbo I mean mental purgatory.)
When you're forced to accept a grey area for a while, which usually drives control freaks like me insane. It's the only thing I can do right now, I owe it to myself. But if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that I'm way stronger than ever I imagined myself to be.

Jesus, seriously. We think we can only handle so much, but we're capable of handling and enduring way more than we believe. “If one more bad thing happens, I'm going to crack.” Yes, you might crack - and it might be the simple thing of finding the neighbours cat fornicating on your bed – but usually you don't.

'Tis true that experience, adversity and time really do make you strong as steel. As does age. And for that, I'm going to lean over and give myself a hearty pat on the shoulder.

There.

When the world is at its most confusing, most volatile, it still fucking rotates. If only during times of severe mental duress we can just go, “Stop. Everybody just fucking freeze, I need time to have a panic attack out of the real world. Can the population of the world just wait for me to pull myself together please, have some fucking consideration.”

That's the clincher. If only we could freeze raindrops, running people, important functions, and deadlines, just so that we have a moment to think and be sad. But people are still doing stuff. Like bartering yaks in Yemen and talking in West Ront accents in Southfields, UK.
While I lie in a foetal position at the bottom of my bed wiping away tears.

Right, so granted I am not God, I don't have his number on speed dial, and well, we're merely far distant acquaintances. In fact God and I stand at a disrespectful distance from each other, and don't toy with the other's lives. (Disclaimer: Well he toys with mine on occasion – like now – because I believe he finds it amusing.)

So. All I can do is remain functional as best as I can. And that's the surprising part: I am managing to do this. My work is thriving in fact. I just reworked, rewrote and submitted one of the final drafts of my entire book, while at my day job, we have new projects we are embarking on that I am throwing myself into with gusto.

What certainly helps during excruciatingly testy times is to:
Look at the bigger picture
This too shall pass. Nothing stays the same. It's a month or two out of my life, which on general terms, is not terrible. Things oscillate from good to bad all the time. Just three months ago, I remember driving down the M1 South thinking, “Whoever is up there, or if anyone is listening, I'd like to say thanks for everything I have. I am truly blessed and so happy.” That's oscillated into everything opposite, but if I have achieved that before, surely it'll swing back when the time is ready?

Routine
I can be functional if I stick to my routine. That's coffee with Jam, Lion (the new guy – yay – he's fabulous) and Hot Pink on the rooftop of our incredible building in the middle of town, first thing in the morning. I can survive if I rigorously stick to my exercise, 2 litres of water a day, regular sleep, comedy, and a fascinating story to work on. A regimented routine. If I can't control my mental purgatory, I will control my routine.

Support and admittance to hard times
I, before stopping regular boozing, was your classic case of “plaster smile on and pretend all is alright”. Mainly because I hate feeling judged. But really, what's the worst thing about being judged for going through a hard time? It's not like it hasn't happened in the past – Wibble, my relationships, my decisions, my vices, my ability to spill out much of everything on this blog. So yes, things are hard. (And sadly, you don't know the half of them.) By admitting you're on a low rung, you can get support.

Fucking try to see the light side of it all
It's one thing trying to fake a belly laugh – don't do it, it's only for the professionals – but trying at all costs to laugh at something can take the focus off your troubles for maybe 5 seconds. I'm a serious person who takes stuff frigging seriously if it's important to me. I'm trying not to take it too detrimentally and have faith it'll right itself in good time.

If anxiety pills help me function...
...or if being human and fallible is what I am, then, it's what I am. Thank God really. Because living for eternity as a robotic immortal machine would really be a fate far worse than death. Who wants to live forever?

I'm delivering unto the universe
Here is it Universe. (Hands Mr Universe a parcel full of problems). Make of it as you will, and help me make sense of it all. May I not be in limbo forever. And please try not to screw me over to the point of me wanting to hurl myself from the upper storey roof/throw my hair tongs in the bath tub. May whatever happens be for a fucking good reason. I'm trusting you. So be nice.

I went for coffee last night with The Dove. She is one of my best friends on the planet for a few reasons: she's protective of me, she wants the best for me, she's brutally honest, she speaks her mind, she listens and she works with what I am, no bullshit, I can be exactly myself with her. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

15 comments:

kyknoord said...

Time to drag out the karaoke machine:
Every limbo boy and girl
All around the limbo world
Gonna do the limbo rock
All around the limbo clock...

Peas on Toast said...

I've always preferred the lambada. Or at the very least...the electric chair, I mean slide.

:)

sunrise said...

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

S.

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - I agree, it is a choice. So I'm trying my best to be as happy as I can right now, and that will be through a little mental purgatory.

swandive said...

"The Romans were right. One can bear anything. The thing we cannot bear will kill us outright."

Peas on Toast said...

swandive - ...and it will be swift and non-painful, hopefully. What a relief! :)

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

We do make the choice to be happy or miserable and sometimes miserable just feels better. Some days curling up in a foetal position at the bottom of the bed is what we need.
We put too much pressure on ourselves thinking or insisting we have to be a certain way. Being is all we, er, need to be. Something about living in the moment and only the moment...
:-)

thing said...

Even if you do crack, it doesn't mean you're not coping. Cracking is PART of coping, not everyone does it in the same way.

Peas on Toast said...

absolute vanilla - absolutely. Why do we ALWAYS feel under pressure to be positive and perfect 100% of the time? It goes with the whole "plaster that smile on your face." Sometimes I just don't fucking feel like it. And now I'm starting to be dead honest about that. "Look, no. Not in the mood, sorry."

thing - I'd say so yes. Often after cracking/hitting the bottom of the well, means things can only get better from there and you probably start healing from that point too.

Jam said...

Coffee on the amazing roof with amazing people in the morning always makes me grateful too.
Love ya babe!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - You guys are my favourite favourite part of my day. I love you both to pieces! xxx

sunrise said...

Advice (sux to solicite, but hey, beggers cant be choosers). See todays post...

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - Nice one, and parallels my thoughts completely. Thing is, people do react and respond to and handle things differently as we know. We can learn from others as what attitude to adopt and how to handle things better, but I think it's just trying to tolerate how people manage their stuff.

sunrise said...

Too Troo(ue), thanks. The thing that scares me, is that how you react mirrors your personality and maturity. What saddens me, is that i dont like what I see. I hope and pray that we cross this bridge.

S.

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - for sure, but it shouldn't be a bad thing if a reaction mirrors your personality or shows a certain level of immaturity/maturity. It's who you are. And in a future scenario it might get better. I think you'll cross the bridge dude, renovations in a relationship - figurative and literal - mean that you've come far along the path already.
xx