Wednesday, March 12, 2008

my talking cup

The Dove gave me such a kiff present over the weekend. And right now, presents are good.
I properly shat myself on Monday morgen on driving into town. Now as I have reiterated on several occasions, I simply never pooh – I'm way too much of a lady to embark on such faecal behaviour – however, driving out of here at the end of each day has thus far made me come pretty close. I have considered the fact that I might actually be a normal bowel-moving human being. For a girl that doesn't pooh, this is big stuff.

I mean, put it this way: when I drive now, I'm trying not to stop. At all. This creates a whole other ream of problems, as I see bumpers fill my windscreen at quite a fast pace and hope to fuck that they move out of my way by the time I get there. Or otherwise I just swerve into another lane. It also poses issues, because town is categorised by a grid system comprising robots, pedestrians, cars, you know, stuff. Which is getting in the way. I'm driving in second gear, the engine is screaming, I'm hyperventilating, I'm timing how quickly I can get the fuck out of here. (So far, 3 mins 24 is my record).

I have since Monday already taken on two pavements.
Dude. I've ramped two pavements to get past two taxis.

Now going home, I take two Biral, turn on the radio (I never do that, I listen to CDs – but I assume a DJ talking, even if he's an irritating fucktwat should give me a menial distraction.) I turn into Rissik Street - Street Of Doom - as I do, and I drive at 20k's an hour until I get to the robot and, then roar over it, go through orange and red lights and basically risk my life all over again just to get the fuck out of the chaos as quickly as fucking possible. Once past Braamfontein, I've broken a sweat and I am watching every single character on the side of the road, in my rearview and in front of me, basically paralysed in fear if they come too close to my window.

Jesus. Who knew a mugging could be so fucking traumatic?

Then once home, I turn to close the main door and a dude walks up behind me – just to get past – I turn around, jump and then scream. At an innocent man. This has happened a few times this week.

Right, but back to my present. The Dove gave me a talking mug. This fucking amazing mug with Daffyt Jones from Little Britain on the front, dressed in red latex. In large letters it says: I Am The Only Gay In The Village. It sure beats the Pussy: A tasty meal in a little box cup, and on top of this – the mug talks to me. Everytime you put it down, the voice of Daffyt Jones filters through from beneath with a plethora of classic Daffytisms such as:

(OK by default: “I am the only gay in the village”), but also:

“Oh Euphamwie, I'm so down. It's not easy being the only gay in the vill-udge!”
“Another Bacardi & Coke please Euphamwie.”
“That's exactly the kind of homophobic behaviour I expect in this village! Good Day!”
(My cup. My cup says that.)
“We couldn't possibly go all the way over there, these hot pants are giving me terrible chafing.”
(My cup. .....)
“I'll have a copy of Gay Times please, it's my only outlet.”

Jesus what a fantastic gift! I will start my day with Daffyt everyday! Morning coffee has just got so much better!

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

it's Mfanwy (sp?) not euphanwie

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - are you sure about that? Mfanwy sounds like less of a name than Euphanwie somehow...

Micky said...

Peas... I woke up a few weeks ago with a dude in my house. He had just been into my room and swiped my laptop and cellphones. I will never be able to explain that feeling to anyone. Absolute bravery and quick thinking to get myself and my housemate out of the house at the time, but the paranoia and anxiety Ive experienced in the weeks since!

We live on the first floor (so windows are high!) and we have since had burglar bars fitted to EVERY window, security gates installed and an alarm. But nothing is going to give me my peace of mind back... I know exactly how you feel. The thoughts running through your head are completely irrational and illogical but yet you cant help believe them. And Im so tired of people telling me that Im lucky as it could have ended up so much worse! I know for gods sake! Thats what bothers me more!

Thats what Im so pissed off about. The assholes can have my laptop and my cellphones but they took my peace of mind and its going to take a long time to get it back. Sleeping pills and anxiety tablets are the way forward for me now.

They say it gets better with time.

Peas on Toast said...

Micky - so true: Im so tired of people telling me that Im lucky as it could have ended up so much worse! I know for gods sake! Thats what bothers me more!

That's exactly it! And yes, it's not the stuff they robbed from us, it's the fucking anxiety, peace of mind and general positive thinking that they stole, and like trust and all that shit, it takes ages to get back.

Anyway, someone in your house is very traumatic. And I'm glad you survived it at any rate. At the moment I'm on anxiety tablets and am going for trauma counselling on Friday. I figure I'll get over this, but you're right, it's gonna take a some time and some serious resilience. I also did 10 k's on my bike last night. I sweated it out like a demon, because they say exercise helps rage. Hmmm.

SilverSabre said...

He spells in Welsh! The wonders never cease.

I want a mug like that!!! Do you get them for BlackAdder?

kyknoord said...

Dare I say it? Your cup runneth over.

Peas on Toast said...

Sabre - man a Blackadder cup would be fantastic. In fact, if you could own a whole Brit comedy set, imagine who fantastic tea parties would be.

"Baldrick, with a breath like Satan's backside...."

"Am I bovvered? Look at my face, am I bovvered though?"

"Welcome to SunSeeker's, my name is Carol...the computer says no."

My God. I will find or make all of those cups.

Kyk - it's running all over the show these days. That's because I refuse to stop. :)

Anonymous said...

yeah it's myfanwy and daffyd thomas. welsh names. check wikipedia. oh and sorry for your recent troubles

acidicice said...

My colleague and I insist on knowing where this mug was aquired. We simply HAVE to have one. NOW.

We were rolling with laughter reading this post. We often make each other laugh by quoting Little Britian.

We. Need. The. Mug.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah ok, thanks Anon. Loving the fact they on wikipedia! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Acidicice - ah yay! Someone who loves the mug as much as I do! OK, I will ask Dove - but I have a sneaky suspicion she bought it in London. I'm pretty sure you can find one online, there has to be a Little Britain.com online outlet somewhere! If I hear of where she got it, I'll be sure to let you know. :)

Little Miss Tantrum said...

Peas, 1 x hijacking, 1 x stabbing, 1 x mugging, 1 x hold up. I'm there with you lady. Every second of a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable feels as though it's not only in slow motion but almost in backwards replay. You battle to keep your shit together long enough to get through that moment only to be exhausted the minute it's over. It's a process that you have to let happen . Don't feel like a dumbass or a bitch. You ain't. But if you feel like you are totally l;osing it go and see someone. There's an amazing free trauma centre in the Braamfontein Centre in Bertha St. They have safe parking. No yeah-but-no-but-yeah-but-no's about it.

Peas on Toast said...

Little Miss Tantrum - and you're still alive?! That's pretty darn insane babe, and look at you - you're still alive and you've still got a healthy sense of humour, no-yeah-no-yeah-no-yeah!
Thanks for the counselling heads up - I have booked one already, unfortunately can only see her on Friday, as they're fully booked. But I'll take it. I'm gonna walk in there and ask her not to fix me, but just on guidance on how to cope with certain things.

Sheena Gates said...

your cup sounds intensely impressive, dear.

:)

Give yourself time, I was like you with my attempted hi-jack a few years back. It gets better, I promise.

lotsa luv
xoxo

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Sheebs. Yeah, like all things, it just takes a little time :) So for now, my server's down, I can't send or receive - but I am still alive and I am coping with it one small drive at a time! xxx

Betenoir said...

having been mugginged a couple of times, you have my hugs and sympathy. mind you, that mug is pretty cool so I might mug you for it. But I'll be geentle.

Eventually, you do calm down and start to go back to normal. Well, okay, I still freak out occasionally. But moving to Japan helped a lot. They have little to no crime there.

but maybe that's not helpful?

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - thanks doll. And yes Japan is on my top list as to places to live.

A few problems though:
1) I am broke
2) I own a Saffa passport
3) I am broke
4) I have shit to tie up here first
5) I am broke
6) Can I take the mug with me?

You're right though, I know it will get better. Maybe once I buy some larney tinted windows, bru.

kittiegurl said...

I had a smash and grab in October 2007. It was the most violating experience ever! I still freak out everytime I stop at a robot, or if someone walks up to my car to try give me a leaflet!
People look at me like I'm mad for revving every time I have to stop for longer than a second, then wheel spinning off into the distance. I refuse to drive at night anymore, unless I've got a chaperone :) It hasn't gotten easier... Maybe I shoulda gone for counselling?! But I'm hoping running away from here will help!

Peas on Toast said...

kittkegurl - yikes, it sounds very familiar! They counselling debriefs your grief or some mumbo jumbo, and the reason we feel this way is because our lives were threatened, so it's an instinctive recoil.

I am still in the office and have to drive through town after dark tonight. I think I'm going to hurl from fear.