Thursday, March 13, 2008

warm water is a luxury

I had to drive through town, from my office, in the dark last night. I didn't sleep the night before knowing I had to do this.

Of course I had to organise a writer's meeting before this all happened last week, and therefore stay late and pretend I'm not ADD and weird when I followed everyone out onto the street and stuck to them like glue. (“That editor...she's kinda....jittery. Crack I reckon. She's probably running a crystal meth factory at her house.”)
I was simply uncomfortably energetic.

Lion followed me until Killarney, bless his ten toes. He chaperoned me.

And all while driving and jumping pavements and trying to run over stray cretins in the road, I was thinking, “It's OK. I'll get home and have an monumental bath.”

A bath sorts out everything. At least for 20 minutes. It's like being on ecstasy, except you sleep afterwards and house music still sounds the same.
I will have a bath.
Driving like a fucking mental patient....
It's cool, it's cool...
Oh look at that, jumped another robot, but am now passing the intersection of Jeppe and Rissik, I wonder whether the fuckers who are using my brand new cellphone are watching me speed past in a rocketing frenzy.

It's cool...look at me...I'm alive and wow, I've never felt so alive....
I swing precariously around a corner on two wheels. Ludwig, my car, is now a....B Grade Sports Vehicle.

I'll gooi in the remainder of my bath crystals, pour myself a wonderful glass of leftover Breakfast Punch...
Shit. The lights are red on Empire. Drop down from 100 km/h to 20 km/h and crawl to the lights...they change, oh thank heavens, I roar up to 100km/h again....I think I have at least 6 speeding tickets this week already....

I'll lie in the warm, soothing, slightly erotic, warm tub... and literally feel my troubles fade away.....
Keys in door, wild frenzy...my bath is literally within 10 metres dashing distance. I'm hyperventilating in excitement, I could just wee in my pants...
To find:

A pile, a monumentally large and grotesque pile, truckload pile, (are you getting the picture here?) of dishes in the sink, on the counter, everythefuckwhere.
No. Why. No. Please. No.
An unflushed toilet.
Beautiful. (In that “war is beautiful” kind of way)
That creepy and familiarly uncanny feeling that my evening was not to pan out as I previously envisioned. Is this some kind of cosmic gag? I know my flatmate was home all day, but seriously, why is everything a-shambles?

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On Here.

Oh I see. The water is mysteriously missing.

Oh get out of town. Seriously. Am I in a vomitorium?
You know, forfucksakes. That blows. It blows so badly, I sulked and watched Seinfeld the rest of the evening in a seething disposition.

Then a cat just strolls in. Just like that. I jump out of my skin, and find that the back gate has been left open. Open to the world, open to rapists, open to people who want to steal my stuff, open to stalkers, open to crazy psychopaths, open to Jehovah's Witnesses. My old computer is lying next to the gate – the gate has been left unlocked and open to the world. Carelessly just left, and it's not the first time either.

That is hugely irritating not to mention timely.

Oh and did I mention I've picked up a horrible piles problem. *

* kidding, kidding, let's not tempt fate here.

14 comments:

kyknoord said...

Not that I advocate the manufacture and distribution of illegal drugs or anything, but if you did have a meth factory in your flat, you'd be able to work from home.

Peas on Toast said...

Hey, yeah! I would! I probably would never have to leave my apartment ever again - and that's ok too, because I'd be so loaded up on meth I would'nt know where I was either! Nice plan Kyk. Not that I condone it or anything either, of course. ;)

DT said...

I cannot imagine anything more horribly disturbing than to arrive home to an un-flushed toilet! What is wrong with some people? I do believe you need a holiday!

Peas on Toast said...

DT - ha ha, shame it wasn't her fault - we just had no water, and I suppose there's not much one can do without water...it wasn't great though. My next holiday is Easter weekend. Whether it proves to be a holiday or not, well, time will tell :)

Revolving Credit said...

If there's no water, bathe in champagne!
It's just like bubble bath.

Peas on Toast said...

Touche Rev...but don't have no booze chez moi. Could you send me some please? I don't even mind if it's Jacques Cousteau Le Roux...

The Divine Miss M said...

Dude that sucks.

My house is just messy. Fullstop. Regardless of the water supply. We're lazy.

Peas you are going to be broke from your speeding fines!

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - yeah I suppose I'm just over mess - maybe it's me just trying to advocate some control over everything. :)

Yip, I'm going to be broke. Or, I'm going to contest the fines are ask the cops, "Where were you when they robbed me?"

Revolving Credit said...

No water, no champagne...well then maybe get the cat to just lick you clean1

Peas on Toast said...

That sandpaper tongue...yuk Rev, yuk yuk yukkety yuk yuk yuk.

The Divine Miss M said...

Ye not a bad idea.You can claim mental upset from being mugged and a fear of the road where there are no police protecting you.

Either that or cry like a little girl and hope someone takes pity.

Peas on Toast said...

One can always try I suppose. Or, like, take lots of drugs, or, like something.

:)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Dude. Seriously. HOLIDAY! Say it with me...HOLIDAY!

You are going to develop an ulcer or 3 and stress wrinkles are always attractive, you know?
Deep breaths babe! What about trauma councelling? I scoffed at it myself, but jeez louise, thank God I did!

Peas on Toast said...

Blogshell - yeah a holiday and counselling are both booked and planned and on the cards. Now just to enjoy it, sorta. ;)