Wednesday, March 19, 2008

oh my...

...bloated pancreas.

Dear. God.

Here I am somewhere south of Bloemfontein, sitting in the back of the car...while my parents insist on listening to a "story tape." Usually I wouldn't be completely adverse to this kind of familial travelling repertoire - it's not all ham and pickles and rock 'n roll like on Contiki - but usually a "story tape" is fine if you're sitting half asleep, drooling up against a window dreaming of red coats and Madam Tussauds.

Except, no. See it's not Richard Attenborough's "Volcanoes Of The 21st Century" or "Oliver Twist." They're listening to some fucking Jilly Cooper sex story. I could laugh, I could cry - but either way, the 5 year old in me doesn't really want to pretend she's listening to: He rolled over...and lit a cigarette while she commented on his male copulation method...

("Copulation?" That's a word I use for crazy monkey animal sex!)

...Let's drink more vodka and then mate.....

You've got to be kidding me. Love triangles in the car. For another 10 hours.

...he undid her bra.. Oh dear God no...please don't undo her bra please don't undo her bra...SPEED TRAP, HOW'S THIS SUNSET OH LOOK A WINDMILL ARE WE IN THE KAROO ALREADY?...then he slowly lifted his hand towards her knee high tights...

It really cannot get more contrived than this. And they're absolutely riveted. My parents are LOVING this. Are all ears and giggles.

......she showered outside while he got dressed and prepared himself for a night of passion just like that night in Nantucket in '99...

Should I puke?

It's fucking silent in this car otherwise. And all I can say is thank heavens for Steve Jobs and his iPod invention, and sunglasses at night.

13 comments:

Fo said...

WOW! can't believe am first...do i got a prize? i havn't been here in awhile and don't get if you on a road trip or something...LOL @ the song though..

Fo said...

*get

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Fo! I'm on a roadtrip all right.

And am somehow found my way to destination The Bold & The Beautiful in the process.

:)

But I'm outta Joburg City Of Not Cool Stuff Right Now! WOOOOHOOOOO

Fo said...

OH cool! all best then.. :D

KaB said...

Oh my god...I'm cringing for you!

That's the heebie jeebies right there!

Sue at eLuckypacket said...

That's hi-larious ... for us, not you. Delurking because this is the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Nessers said...

They are trying to put you off sex for the rest of your life and I'll bet it's working too hehehe.

kyknoord said...

Yurgh! Sounds like you're doing the updated version of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. The horror!

Sheena Gates said...

hahahahaha.

isn't it funny how humourous we become when out life decides to fall on its head?

Max said...

ooo does this mean you are coming to see me? lets crack open a bottle of mineral water and compare woes once more! xx

Sheena Gates said...

Oh hey - I've tagged you! Go look see and consider doing it, I bet you'd surprise us all :)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

I have gone the colour of a strawberry slush puppy for you! Oh. dear. God.

Alya said...

Oh God I would have died! Thank God the audio story didnt make any "sound effects". Or did they?