Peas: Dude I treated myself. Bought myself a bright green jersey for Ireland.
3RM: Dude, what - do you think people run around there solely wearing green?
Peas: I'd imagine they wear more green than the average international Green Standards.
3RM: You've read one too many Lonely Planet books.
Peas: Dude, you're telling me that I won't fit into Ireland more than say if I was wearing red?
3RM: No dude, I mean do you think Ireland is a place of rolling green hills and little rainbows with pots of gold at the end?
Peas: Yes. I do. Give or take.
3RM: Oh wait, it says here in this book you can take a...Paddywagon.
Peas: What? Show me!
3RM: [shows me bright green advert - so green my eyes sting]
Peas: Oh there's NO GREEN there 3RM, none.
3RM: They know who their target market is dude. There's a leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold sipping on a Guinness.
Peas: Oh look! 100% Irish drivers. Classic. Do you think they've had complaints? “I wasn't 100% happy with our Paddywagon. Our driver was from Hounslow.”
Peas: C'mon dude, I know people that go to Ireland and kiss the Blarney Stone and stuff.
3RM: Oh dude, it says here...if you're ever in distress in Ireland, like an emergency, you just have to wave a piece of green clothing about to get help.
Peas: Fuck off.
3RM: Dude, the fire engines there are green.
Peas: Yes, I suppose their straight jackets are also green too.
3RM: Oh wait dude, you actually need to go to Scotland.
Peas: Why's that?
[holds up book]
The Wild & Sexy Highlands. Free Haggis on sign-up
[Picture of an exceptionally hairy bagpipe-laden man in a kilt, juxtaposed with a furry animal yak thing.]
The Ireland ad on the other hand:
Ireland: It rocks!
[Cue beautiful naked man (with a graphic clover over his nethers) standing next to an archaic statue holding up a Guinness with a look of pure glee on his face.]
That's more like it.
Peas: You can't tell me that on St Paddy's Day in Ireland people rock up in red.
3RM: Yeah maybe if they're colour blind.
Peas: I'm not sure I'm going to understand a word they're saying. In London, it's all good. In fact, it's chavtastic. I can't wait to ask a chav on the tube whether they're bovvered.
3RM: Dude you'll be beaten up.
Peas: I'll wear my scarf. In my scarf....I'm untouchable.
3RM: Dude, if you ask a chav whether she's bovvered...I'd say it's probably best not to.
Peas: How am I going to help myself? I'm in London for six days. It's going to happen.
3RM: Don't wave a green cloth around.
Your jersey is like one of those My friend went to London and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Peas: Hey! I am a tourist.
Martha Stewart: She's a tourist, she's allowed. Stop being so critical, pour me another drink.
The man immediately shuts up.
PS: I think I maybe might've sort of found me a new home!