Friday, April 18, 2008

safety officers, two wheels & a town

I hung with 3RM last night after we buried Chad.
3RM dug the hole, and I delivered him unto the Earth.

(“What you do today Dale?” I dug a hole.)

There were a few things we both agreed on:

1)Vernon Koekemoer is moving to Parkhurst. The Jolly Roger is his new playground and he's made the trip out from Brakpan using a furniture removal company's truck. He's gone Northern Suburbs. And he's capitalising. Or maybe not, but that would be funny. And possibly a situation where truth is stranger than fiction. (“Where you from?” Parkhurst boet. “Oh.”)

2)I have no junk in my trunk. Or so he reckons. It'll be cool to have an appetite again.

3)We're off to Secunda on Saturday! I jest it not. Roadtrip, except not to the balmy paradise of the Natal coast, but to the eastern dwelling-cum- the Sasol-oasis of The Poenda to stay with The Ant in her new home and get shown around. Finally. It's going to be one helluva cultural experience, with my little Italian friend whoreganising a tour around the plant and some huge peri-urban nightclub experience probably involving Vern lookalikes and lots of platinum blonde hair. Can't wait.

4)Tom Cruise is a nutcase.

5)The Ant was assigned as Safety Officer at her job in The Poenda. And her company takes safety very very seriously. Only the Ant would be relegated to such a position and a) take it seriously, and b) find time for it.

For instance, her latest case involved a woman falling off her chair on answering her desk phone. Ant had to file a whole case with regards to position of phone on desk, possible wear-and-tear of the chair, possible obstructions accounting for how this could happen, costs involved, latitude of the chair itself, her blood type, everything involving a phone, a chair and a woman who leaned over too much to the left. She files cases on top of her job. God I can't wait to see her.

6)We're going to a birthday karaoke party tonight. I said to 3RM: “Dude if you sing, you're going to need to be drunk.” Instead he said, “Dude I'm gonna have to be drunk to watch you sing.” Oh I see then.

The things we don't agree on from yesterday:

1)That he didn't go around the corner on two wheels, with me in his car.

2)That I questioned the fact that sexual prowess is indicative of how someone takes corners.

3)And that he thinks a person who allegedly takes corners on two wheels, shouldn't be questioned on their sexual prowess.

4)He says the St Elmo's Fire theme tune sounds like the rolling credits of a soap opera. Which is a gross and whoring misdescription.

5)He's only one quarter Portuguese. Whatever. How many trinchadas can one person eat?

6) He thought the Murder She Wrote jingle is from Mylo, that techno guy.

He's such a peach. I can't wait for the weekend. Which is, oh look at that, right here.


Parenthesis said...

My only question is this: does he keep his hands on the er, steering wheel, when cornering on two wheels? Just wondering ... ;) lovely post, Peas, just what I needed to kick start my Friday. Hope you have a lovely road trip - Secunda is quite something to behold, be sure to take the camera along, the place is crawling with Vernon-esque clones, promise. Most of them will be wearing blue overalls ;)

c@th said...

Have a good weekend peas. Take the pants!

Peas on Toast said...

Parenthesis - haha, thanks my dear. Oh and he insists he doesn't take corners on two wheels. Insists. I beg to differ, and I'LL be driving us to the Poenda. :)

Cath - You too Cath! Oy vey the tassled number in 'Cunda..scary thought!

c@th said...

@Peas - I think you may be starting up a legend with that there tassled number.

Vernon Koekemoer and Peasy Peas - fashion icons of 2008!

I can see it now! The lights! The glamour! The paparazzi!

Nessers said...

Take the tassled undies (bra included) and wear it under a white chiffon top and you can like to will fit in heheh

Peas on Toast said...

Cath - no ways bru - Vernon beats me 1000 times to the ground - he's been seen out in more of his special shirts - the tie ups - yip, he has a whole closet full of them now. :)

Nessers - CHIFFON? ahahahaha I can find one of those in Poenda I'm sure!

c@th said...

Fuck! thats awesome!

Remember how Madiba Shirts were all the rage, and white men tried to look hip whilst really looking like they were wearing their ex-wives' kaftans?

I tell you, them tieups will take over the world!

yes, yes, chiffon! and sparkle tassle pants! yes! FUCK YES!

Peas on Toast said...

Cath - tassles ans chiffon. The Ant is gonna love me :)

kyknoord said...

Do you have any contingency plans in place to avoid killing one another over the road trip music choice?

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - funny you say that, because last night he was whining about "wanting to burn some CDs because he might die on the trip."

As a result, I'm thinking...Air Supply and a straight jacket. :)

(Kidding 3RM, kidding, don't get your knickers in a knot! he he he )

happy snapper said...

You should actually get yourself a CD of "Goue Treffers vir die Pad" and you then you can like to be wanting to be going to Poenda for a lekker jol wif your jean pant and tassle pantie.

Peas on Toast said...

happy snapper - hahahah, I love that. "MY TASSLE PANTIE".

That is SUPERB.

Perhaps I should see how easy it is to pick up a bosbefok buffalo-wearing dude with the line, "I can like to be wearing a tassle pantie, stukkend."

And bok treffers - please don't give 3RM any ideas! :)

happy snapper said...

Ha ha ha! It will probably be easier if you use the line:

"I can like to be wearing a tassle pantie while teasing my koeksuster"

ha ha ha!!! That will be sure to blow his bokbefokte mind...sideways!

As for the "Treffers"....when in Rome...*cough ahem*...Poenda... :)

Jam said...

Vernon is so moving to Parkhurst which does kind of remove the allure.
And..."Turn around, bright eyes..."!

Peas on Toast said...

snapper - babe you might just need to come along with us and show me how it's done! Classic!

Jam - happy happy happy my friend!

So excited for later! xx

pamiejane said...

I nearly fell of my chair last night when I saw Vernon on the Vodacom ad.

My husband had no idea why I was laughing so much - or who the heck Vernon was!

Revolving Credit said...

As safety officer, does the Ant also get to dispense condoms?

Maybe get Champs to send her a few crates. When out partying, you guys can distribute them to the local, maybe even have a few hanging off your tassles.

Though, that may kinda imply 'Come and get it boytjie'.

Do they know any Lionel Ritchie songs in the Poenda??

happy snapper said...

Awesome, road trip! *cough* I mean...pad trek!

I'll be your "Poenda Befokte Jol Guide" as well as your "You should like to be wearing this Fashion Guru" and don't forget, your "I smaak you stukkend, does you want to like be sokkie-ing wif me Match Maker"

We'll be set for the most awesomeness of a ness Pad Trek EVER!!

Champagne Heathen said...

One of my most darling friends is not a Secunda resident... I'm eagerly waiting for his housewarming... so if you meet him, please cover him with cheek smooches from me!! He will be the one at the bar drinking double brandies and coke, & shots of straight cane. Oh. Wait. ....

leez said...

Oh my God!!! pamiejane: you saw it too? I thought I was imagining things. Guess I can go back to my evening drink ritual now.

Peas, think about starting your own label; something along the lines of tassles and psychedelic scarves.

neil said...

gawd peas - you are fucking hilarious. i have been to secunda once in my miserab;le existance and usually give it a very wide berth. enjoy!

MsBehavn said...

Oh my gawd, you are going to do to Secunda what you did to Vernon. I can already see it!!

Hope you have a great weekend, Peas. Towns like that deserve to be visited in tassled panties!!

Peas on Toast said...


Serious??? Oh my God that is hysterical!

Rev - Not a bad idea. Champs could you gooi me a crate of condomies please so that Ant has stuff to give everyone during her Safety meetings? She can make goodie bags!

Lionel Richie in Poenda. If they didn't know about it, they're sure gonna find out about him this weekend! :)

happy snapper - I'm so excited for the Pad Trek, can't even tell ya! :)

Champs - I'll be sure to klap a couple of klippies with him if I do indeed find him!

leez - my own label. Hilarious. Maybe me and Vern should start our own dynasty? I'd ride on Vern's coat tails big time!

Neil - ha ha, as does most of this country I believe. I'm going to Blikkiesbefokfontein for a naweek, terribly not-so-done eh? ;)

msbehavn - ha ha ha, I can't wait! The tassled number had better come along innit? :)

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my wasted urethra:


That is well hilarious.

Peas on Toast said...

The link breaks...ok here we go, check it out!

Ches said...

Have a good weekend Peas! You deserve it!
Maybe see you out and about...karaoke is lekke!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Ches! You too babe, and maybe we just might see you out and about. You owe me a razzle my friend. :)

happy snapper said...

OMG Peas! Vern really IS in the Vodacom ad!!!

Where the hell did they find him? I would LOVE to know what Vern thinks about his new found fame :)

Peas on Toast said...

Yip, isn't he a beeyoot? Fuck it's hilarious.

I reckon Vern is probably completely overwhelmed. He woke up one mornign and discovered the Internet had made him famous and I reckon he's probably walking around completely overwhelmed, if not completely happy at the same time.

Where it will end, who knows? :)

Billy said...

Enjoy Sepoenda and show them county folk what your made of!

Vern hits the big time! Cant believe that. He must be coining it.

happy snapper said...

ha ha! beeyoot, yes!

With all the royalties he must be receiving now, he must be so stoked to go buy some new booofalos and wifebeater shirts. I wonder if one can hire him out for functions, like a "special attraction" or as your MC for your wedding?

He could get some boooofalos and a wife beater shirt made especially for the ceremony. All white. with a few sequins. and maybe a top hat. Im getting carried away, arent I?

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - thanks my lovely, and thanks for your comment yesterday as well. :)

He must be coining it properly and still hasn't conceptualised what's happened to him.

Snapper - I read somewhere of Vern's wishlist - like he wants a boat and stuff. And after this ad, his now being booked out at clubs, and his various bookings elsewhere, and bearing in mind he comes from a security guard background, the man must be coining the hell out of his sudden fame. Imagine.

Imagine for one second...being Vernon Koekemoer. A 51 year old man living a pretty ordinary existence with one helluva wardrobe and waking up to his mate telling him about this "Facebook" and there are hundreds of pictures of him...and he's famous.

Imagine being this dude, good grief! :)

happy snapper said...

Damn, I know!
I would've shat a brick and gone line dancing.

I mean, thats how messed up my head would be if that was me.

I dont really like line dancing. Me and Billy Ray Cyrus, are not buddies. Although, he does have a sttriking resemblance to Vern.......?

Peas on Toast said...


I would've shat a brick and gone line dancing.

That is beautiful!! :)

I just want to meet Vern. I think I'm unhealthily obsessed. He's everything I've ever wanted to see in a package.

(Speaking of packages...he clearly takes a lot of roids. And um, whatcha reckon has occurred downstairs as a result?)

c@th said...


I just went to the loo and discovered my fave white pantyooos have a big hole in them.

can i borrow that tassled number>

thanks love, youre a darl!

happy snapper said...

ha ha ha!!

I reckon the roids have taken over his body, but the side effects have altered his brain firstly, hence the out-dated, spethil fashion gear, and secondly,his manhood. Although, Im not so sure its "manhood anymore. Maybe "boyhood"....with a that possible? It could be that he's got a third bicep that he's hiding down there? Or maybe it dissolved to make way for more beefy buffness?
What you reckon?

Peas on Toast said...

Cath - I'd really love to, but I'm a bit of a prude when it comes to lending out my doondies.

However, you can find them at La Senza...or at least I did about a year ago I think?

Holes are hot. Never forget that!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah, I must say Snapper, I would be interested in the size there.

They say size doesn't matter, and one shouldn't harp on it, but this is an occasion where I'd be interested to know.

happy snapper said...

Too true Peas!

You should keep a ruler in your handbag. That way, if you ever do meet him, you can let the rest of us know right down to the milimetre.

MsBehavn said...

Girls, now you're scaring me. I have, like, a million brazillion pairs of knickers and not a single pair have a hole in them. Wtf do you do to your knickers??!!!

Somabula Blog said...

Sorry to hear about Chad.