Friday I whacked on my sexy heels, a skirt, shaved the old legs and headed out with Jam and Hot Pink. I ventured forth into the dark world of nightclubbing to prove I can still do it.
Well the outcome was amazingly entertaining.
For a first night out on the town in a month or two, it was an absolute slice. Of sheer entertainment.
First we watched Lion perform (and beautifully too) with his band at the Bohemian, (when last did I go to this place?) and then headed to Fuel Cafe.
In town and everything. In the dead of night. (My mate was driving.)
Arrive and kind of fanny about on the dancefloor, to this deep house kind of stuff, and kind of innocuously start wondering whether I should start taking my iPod to these new places I'll start going to. Not that the music was bad...but I was kind of in the mood for whacking on my iPod and rocking out to 2Unlimited. I heard in Europe they have clubs like this, FYI. Where people rock up in headphones and dance to their own stuff. I like.
Then this completely outrageous camp fellow wearing a tie and sparkly shirt joins the area. He was an absolute peach. As you shall soon see. His dance moves were cheesy, yet edgy – a magical concoction.
Then suddenly, cue left, out of nowhere, enters Desperately Seeking Horny Lesbian Woman. She was mantastic in every sense of the word. One of those lesbians on a mission to find any willing poen out there; it looked like my night of finding male friends was going to have to wait until next week.
Because this manbian was unstoppable.
First she made a beeline for Jam. Jam being the sweet, patient woman amongst us, she got cornered by the mangina in what looked like a giant mansandwich. A guy on the one side and this lady-man on the other.
Manbian didn't really seem to have much preferences after that. She just kept banging away until someone surrendered. She waltzed up to me and gave me...the look. The Look. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? (Although I burst into laughter afterwards, I mean what can a straight dick-loving girl do?)
She shimmied up to me, did this little boobie dance in my face and gave me the look, squarely, with eye contact, like, right in my face.
After that she started fondling Hot Pink's ass and trying her luck there.
It was poetry. It was beautiful, in a really unaesthetic way. Come hell or high water this raging lesbian was going to come right. Somehow.
Perhaps she was encroaching on space here, and trying to mark her territory on every tree on the dancefloor, but Completely Outrageous Camp Fellow Wearing The Tie suddenly decided he'd had enough.
He stopped doing the cheesy, edgy dance moves, threw his hand up to his wearisome brow, and said in a rather flamboyant manner, “You stink. Please leave.”
She didn't leave, but ten out of ten for Completely Outrageous Camp Bitch for actually saying something.
If she was a strap-on, vases would be knocked off tables all around the establishment.
At 1:30am (My God! Granny's out late! Without the scarf even!) Hot Pink vocalised her desire for a “hot German Sausage” (Babe, I would never say no to a hot German sausage. Don't we all want a hot German sausage?) So we hit Catz Pyjamas in Melville and I smashed an entire burger in my face. The whole thing.
Got home at 3:00am.
What a fucking hilarious evening. Next time I'll bring iPod and wear my I Prefer The Penis t-shirt, but whatever. What a gas.
Felt the first real hangover I've had in 4 months. Wasn't nice – God remember those - and needed to sort it out with a large farmhouse brekky with The Dove.
Yesterday I went on a day long hike in the Magaliesberg with two friends. It was fabulous, if not hilarious (and watching for black mamba's everytime I climbed over a rock). So nice to get out into the country, like.
Back to cafe culture, fabulous.