Thursday, May 08, 2008

bad buy versus goodbye?

So I've cleaned out heapfuls of shit out of my flat. Now I'm oscillating with choice.

Predictably, I filled an entire box with shoes late last night after a fabulous home-cooked meal with old friends.

And I found these specimens.

Back in 1999, just as the Spice Girls were starting to be uncool, I thought it would be a good idea to purchase these babies.

The context of the story goes as such: I was in Andorra – that little skiing principality between Spain and France. I was 18 and considerably stupid, but I saw these in the shop window and was drawn to the uber turquoiseness of this very footwear.

It's a tax haven, and as you can guess, these shoes were on sale. Nobody really buys double platform turquoise Spice Girl slip-ons called Le Freak even when they're on acid.

It's like shooting a fly with a canon ball.
Completely unnecessary.

Except, they had one eager buyer. And that was me. They didn't even have my size, these babies are about 2 sizes too large for me. I am a marketer's dream. They cost me ninety francs. In those days, that's ninety ront. Come on. This horse was not only being lead to water, she was drinking the whole fucking trough.

Everyone got back in the bus to show off their tax-free purchases after the shopping spree. J had bought a watch, Cute English Exchange Student bought 5 cases of somethingorother, someone else got perfume. I held up my exquisite shoes. (Suede, boet. Though it must be said, getting suede polish in that colour wasn't ever going to happen).

I proceeded to hit about three nightclubs in quick succession thereafter and come right in them. One was our ski instructor, but that's a whole other story - heavens alive - I was bouncing off the walls in these puppies. I've never felt so alive, so unbelievably turquoise, and so unbelievably horny.

Since then they have been the pinnacle item in my dress-up cupboard, and like the other day when I had to dress up as Chav Spice, they certainly came in handy. They're always a great conversation starter. Even for all the wrong reasons.

So do I throw them out? I've become rather savvy in the good old fashioned pro's and con's list department over the last few months, so here goes:

Con: The colour is frightfully startling.
Pro: The colour is frightfully startling.

Con: They're two sizes too big.
Pro: Like anybody cares.

Con: Grievous bodily harm, at least once a night. One party at varsity, I tripped over a friggin' tree root on the pavement, where the tar had bubbled and crumbled up. Leaving my knee torn to shreds.
Pro: Great scar stories for Aunty Peas' godchildren.

Con: They're absolutely revolting.
Pro: Never forget that in revolting, there's always charm.

Con: They're clonky and heavy, and attached to one's feet in a river, you'd most certainly descend to a watery grave.
Pro: I wear them once every two years, and nowhere near vast bodies of water.

Con: They say Le Freak on them.
Pro: They're honest shoes.

Con: Coming right in them would mean the oke has to be fucked on something and half blind. It worked in the nineties in dark nightclubs, but now, not so much.
Pro: Someone will be game, given enough drugs/he wears sunnies in the dark.

Con: Dancing in them takes away any smidgeon of rhythm I might've had. And even though I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer, the computer shoes say no.
Pro: Who needs rhythm when there's free range techno?

Con: They're a liability if you have to wear them all night.
Pro: I could swap them with an unassuming Ozzie for his shoes. Anything is possible.

Con: They resemble two lumo blue hovercrafts attached to my feet. Calais to Dover leaving in five minutes!
Pro: Vernon La Koekemoer Esquire would approve.

I'm keeping the Andorran shoes. Nobody has any quite like these. They're a prize.

41 comments:

kyknoord said...

AAAAAAAAaaaaaah! My eyes! My eyes!

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha ha smart ass, like I've never heard that one before! :)

c@th said...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Peas. You can never throw them out! They are blue.suede.shoes.

Elvis' ghost would haunt you!

acidicice said...

I thought they were slippers! I thought you were getting ready to do the admin in those!

I would throw them out. As I am getting older I am starting to learn to let go of my possessions which I obviously desired at some point.

I think you might lose this one, Peas.

P.S. Loving all the shoe entries lately.

MsBehavn said...

Peas, darlink, if you can get lucky wearing those specific shoes then you are an absolute goddess.

Because, seriously, no-one else could get lucky wearing those specific shoes.

Trust me.

Keep the shoes. Even if only as proof of your godess-ness!!!

Peas on Toast said...

C@th - aren't they just the most amazing Blue Suede Shoes ever???

If Elvis was alive, we'd make sweet music together. ;)

Acidicice - throw them out, seriously?? I just don't think I can do that, I might even cry! They're hideous, there's no question there, but aren't they JUST INCREDIBLE??

Peas on Toast said...

Msbehavn - oh bless your heart! It would be a good experiment wouldn't it? Back in the good old days of teenagerism and travelling, it didn't seem to be a concern for guys whose faces I'd get up and close to.

Nowadays....hmmm. Worth a shot though, dontcha think?

boldly benny said...

They are garishly marvellous! I think you should keep them - I still have my scary, Spice-chic el dante boots.

Peas on Toast said...

Benny - oooh fabulous! I wanna see, I wanna see! When I move to your neighbourhood, let's go for tea in them together. Keen? ;)

happy snapper said...

WAAAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! I nearly pissed myself reading this post Peas!

"It's like shooting a fly with a canon ball.
Completely unnecessary." - I LOVE that, ha ha ha!

But seriously, you cant throw them out. They're turquiose blue and say Le Freak on them! That's reason enough! PLUS - they will only get funnier and funnier...your grandkids will think you were retarded, but it will amuse them nontheless. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Snapper - ag bless - and too right, my pseudo grandchildren will no doubt think I'm retarded, even without the shoes - and yay! This is why I love blogging: general consensus says I get to keep the shoes! :)

Jam said...

Heehe. I think they're revoltingly fab. Plus, you never know when you may need them for a random karaoke party. I think we should all own "dress up" boxes in case of an emergency. Keep them, in their revolting blue smurfiness.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - hahahah, I HAVE LIVE SMURFS ON MY FEET, THEY'RE EATING MY FEET! :)

Yip dress up boxes rock the party, as we know! :)

boldly benny said...

Am I keen? It's like you read my mind! But only if we can reinact the WANNABE Spice Girl music video en route to Corner Cafe - we can be garishly-turquoise spice and pseudo-raver spice!

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - it's a date, Baby Spice!

What's Corner Cafe btw? Is this a nice place to drink cappuccinos in my new hood??

Nessers said...

They are like the really ugly puppy in the litter - you love it more than the other puppies because it is so ugly and you end up keeping him - Keep the shoes BECAUSE they are so ugly heheh

Kel said...

ooooh hot .
Ja I think thats a great challenge right there.If you can go out (not to the Jolly R.) and pull a bloke wearing those then you have skilllzzzzz.

I cannot believe you bought those.Saying that though, someone on facebook tagged me in the 90's wearing green jeans and a red checkered shirt (over a a tight white T)
so I kinda sorta get the logic .
They look a bit like crocs!!

boldly benny said...

It's a FAB spot in Craighall Park for cups of chino, for brekkers/lunch and dinner!

KaB said...

Crikey...I thought the picture was a joke but alas!

Seriously, store them far away from the prying eyes of anyone & only, I mean ONLY, whip them out at the most necessary of times!

Sweet lord...they're revolting sweet cheeks!

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - the runt of the shoe litter, one has to take pity. Or perhaps the ugly duckling in the [collective noun] of swans...? ;)

Kel - ah yes the facebook tags of yesteryear! Doc Martens, body suits and jeans that come up to your armpits...gotta love those! :)

Boldly - God I can't wait! You're gonna have to show me around! :)

Kab - this is no joke. You can say whatever you like about me, but I'll DAMNED if you can stand there and insult my shoes! Ha ha ha, kidding. Aren't they appalling?

leez said...

Dude- Seriously. UGLY!!!

Toss them. Please.

L

Peas on Toast said...

Leez - no ways china. The jury has spoken, these babies are staying with me come hell or high water!

Mini said...

Hey remember buffalos(twas a fashion disaster)...Never owned one of them(thank GOD)....Vernon Koekemoer wears them.


Sweat Pea what possesd you?????

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - Buffaloes (baffaloes, geddit? Baffaloes) will forever be impregnated in my skull, sadly. Vern's made a quick comeback and he looked hottttttttt (well....), but yes, I think my shoes are way better.

Just in that OTT Killing-flies-with-canon-balls type of way :)

The Divine Miss M said...

Dude those shoes are so sexy.

Seriously.

Never throw them out.

Plus the smurfs might get pissed at you.

Ta^KiLLa said...

They much better than CROCS if u ask me..

People that wear em crocs should be disabled..

Just a thought..

happy snapper said...

Dude, I think the smurfs have already pissed ON you. he he

Revolving Credit said...

If you pull some guy, despite the fact that you're wearing these puppies, you know :
a) He likes you for who you are, not for your keen fashion sense.
b) He's a Elvis fan and most likely has a matching mullet.

They're a bit kinky, them blue suede Andorran clogs - you so gotta keep them!

Greet the boytjie at your front door, wearing nothing but your Spice Pumps tell him that you wanna get your La Freak on!!

Hahahaha...

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - I like the way you're talking. Wouldn't want to piss off the smurfs. Like clowns, they probably wanna eat you after the lights are out. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Ta-Killa - DID YOU JUST MENTION THE C-WORD?

Shit. If these shoes look anything liek Crocs, they're a-gonna. That word is a profanity around here!

Snapper - blue pee. Interestign concept, like they've been drinking Uranium!

Rev - You wanna get your La Freak on. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Greet him in nothing but an apron and these guys, and say, "Honey, I'm making roast fillet, can I serve you up? Then we can get le freaky together."

You're a such a card as always Revsicle.

happy snapper said...

Either Uranium, or Powerade! because it has electrolytes. A necessity for effective smurf relief.

The Divine Miss M said...

Ye I can imagine Smurfs going quite rabid.

Plus there is only 1 female smurf! I mean seriously, think of the dynamics there?

PLUS PLUS PLUS there are loads of baby smurfs, has anyone ever considered where they are all coming from? SMURFETTE???

And didn't Gargamel "make" Smurfette as a way of destroying the smurfs? Like an Adam and Eve theory?

Ok, I'm thinking too much about Smurfs today ...

leez said...

Whats with the C- word? I own two pairs(green and black),not by choice, and despite my misgivings they quite comfortable. (blush)

The thing is they shouldn't be worn in public. EVER!

just like those puppies on your feet. The Cons outweigh the Pros.

Toss them. Please.

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - there are smurfs swimming before my eyes, and with work going on, I have information overload and my cranium is about to self-implode via my optic nerve. Smurf fest!

Leez - you own Crocs babe? Pheeeeeeew. I think that's a fine doll. Maybe half a fine if you never wear them out in public :)

The Divine Miss M said...

SMURFS!!!!!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGG

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!

It is the question said...

My gosh, when I was at UCT, I also tripped over a tree root in Rondebosch and cut my hand open - outside the old Hard Rock.

Granted, I was completely sh*tfaced.

I had been on my way to the Fountain Shopping centre to draw money at the upstairs ATM.

Except the lights were off. So I found my way to the ATM in the dark and almost decapitated both legs just below the knee as I walked straight into a bench in the middle of the mall.

My friends at the Hard Rock didn't half laugh when I arrived back with cash, bloody hand and almost severed legs.

Sadly my drunken personal injury list is a long one.

At a recent bachelors party I managed to tear a toenail off - while wearing shoes. And I was so gone that I only discovered the next when I woke up with a sore head, sore foot, and bloody shoe.

So, be careful of drinking in those shoes Peas.

IITQ

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - the smurfs are freaking me out!

IITQ - holy shitballs, that is a load of unlucky drunken injuries! Eeeek!
Yeah. Perhaps not too much tequila with these shoes.

After my injury, the boyfriend threw Draino on my knee in order to disinfect it. Draino is supposed to work like Dettol. Except it, well, cleans drains. And it hurt like a motherfucker!

the branch manager said...

Great decision, Peas! I used to have a skin tight corduroy bright yellow/orange pair of hipster bell-bottoms in the late eighties that would have gone brill with these! Also a purple cat-suit (bb too of course)

Peas on Toast said...

branch manager - oh my aching testicle sack, those sound suitably HIDEOUS!

If you can come right in all three at once, you're pretty much legible to get laid every day of the week! :)

the branch manager said...

Dunno, they seemed to work back then. BTW, I like the way you keep publishing pics of bits of presumably yourself. We can make a like collage/jigsaw puzzle and find out what Peas looks like. Just keep doing different bits. Cooorl!

SwissTwist said...

oohhhh me loves these... but then it could be that its cos its 11pm and I've had way too many glasses of Prosecco. I will revisit this in the morning (late morning)

But me loves these... I think I would wear them

(oh by coming.. you mean cu..mming, right?)