Friday, May 09, 2008

chirps & garlic

Male chirps I've heard on an almost constant basis lately:

Dude 1: We need a water feature.
Dude 2: A water feature? Like as in a little dude pissing?
Dude 1: I meant water cooler.

Dude 3: Why do I have to look at Sebastien's shitter?
(I have this bright pink “glamour bath duck” on my desk. And it's name is Sebastien. And his doetpipe is facing this guy, or so he reckons)

Dude 3: Now imagine how much work you'd get done if you weren't talking to me?
Me: Imagine how much work you'd get done if you weren't staring at my legs.

Dude 3: Is this those godawful frogs?
(On the Paul McCartney We All Stand Together song)

Boys are blessed with being funny. At least some of the time.

I had dinner with The Dove last night, and we were both completely torn out and grumpy from a long week, but nevertheless she wanted to find chewing gum after our meal laced in enough garlic to kill off every living organism in Transylvania:

The Dove: Do you have gum. This garlic is gonna kill my boyfriend.
Peas: The beauty of that statement is that I can go home now and not really bovver about that sort of thing.
The Dove: Need to find gum. Now.
Peas: You could always buy a bag of White Rabbits from Kung Fu Kitchen.
The Dove: Will that do anything?
Peas: Fuck, it's worth a shot, whatever. Just smash half the bag in your face.
The Dove: A whole bag?
Peas: FUCK. I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER.
[Breathes in my face].
Peas: Shit, better eat the whole bag china. Half won't touch sides.
The Dove: The whole bag, no you fucking pyscopa...
By now the lady behind the counter thinks The Dove is addressing her.

Lady: What yu say?
Peas: Oh Christ.
The Dove: No I didn't mean you're the fucking psycopath, but my friend here. Do you think this bag of sweets will cure my garlic breath?
Lady: [stares blankly]

[Man comes in and starts just somma talking to us. Like we're his old friends, then follows us out about the same time I think he's gone...]

Peas: How much crack can one person smoke?
The Dove: He's right behind you and can hear what you've just said.
Peas: I meant you.
The Dove: You meant him.
Dude: You girls buying sweets are you?
Peas: She has garlic breath.
Dude: Who did you say was smoking crack?
The Dove: Do you have any gum?

It's been an unbelievable week. I'm tired but strangely energised, to the verge of horny.
My brain is making those weird noises that a balloon would make after it's been filled up with too much oxygen. It's busy processing all sorts of new stuff and is pretty much saturated with information right now. I'm having a blast at my new job, I'm so far loving it.

And I've worked for my weekend, God it's the weekend already, how terribly exciting!

45 comments:

kyknoord said...

On the verge of horny? You realise, of course, that if The Dove reads that, she'll be able to respond with "The beauty of that statement is that I can go home now and not really bovver about that sort of thing".

c@th said...

God Peas Please! Your turn of phrase has me in stitches every morning!

Happy Weekend you Horny ! Waha

Peas on Toast said...

kyk - Did you know that they say that solo masturbation is essential, even if you're in a relationship?

Read it on the back of a Chappie wrapper. :)

C@th - bless, and yes: it's the weekend, and my mojo is tugging at my sleeve! :)

Mini said...

Sweat Pea

Male stupid humour only we guys will understand.

Horny.Do not get a guy! Dildo will suffice

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - ha ha ha :) Oh yeah. One doesn't a man when one has a dildo called the Bushwhacker 3 000.

He's great :)

Ta^KiLLa said...

Bushwacker 3000 LMFAO..

U slay me at times..

c@th said...

@peas - yes it is your mojo tugging at your sleeve or a mojito? Wahahah.


XXX

leez said...

Peas: Which chappies have you been chewing? You got them from the crack guy didn't you?

Verge of horny. Hilarious.

L

Peas on Toast said...

Ta Killa - he's been my firm and faithful plastic dick for years :)

C@th - both, and both will fuel the other no doubt! :)

Leez - you got me, I get my Chappies from the dude who sells me crack because I'm such a loyal customer! ;)

happy snapper said...

Im on the verge of horny too. But I dont have me no "Bushwacker 3000". Me thinks I should invest. Especially seeing as the only other place to satisfy my horny vergeness, is with my ex who's fucking more with my brain than he is with me.
sad but true.

Peas on Toast said...

Snapper - oy vey...sex with the ex. If there's one thing I have done right in my life is that I've never gone down that rocky road with any of mine. Self preservation Snapper. And it's easy to preach and say "you're hurting yourself more by doing that," and I know that I am the exception from the rule (I stay away from ex sex), but doll, it's only going to end in tears :( And they shouldn't be yours! Go out and get yourself some nice new ass, someone who wants to be with you - all strings attached!

happy snapper said...

You put it so well. I know... There have been tears shed already, and they werent his. But no more. Well done for staying away from ex sex...its not something I set out to do, but shit happens. In my case, every other weekend. SOOOOO not a good idea. I definately need some new ass - all strings attached! :) (I like that). x

Peas on Toast said...

Snapper - yip, you probably already know of all the pitfalls, and I wish you the best of luck my dear. And lots of hugs and less tears! xxx

happy snapper said...

Thanks Peas!! Im in the process of growing a pair, and getting the fuck outta there. (that rhymes...ha ha)
xxx

Jam said...

On the verge of horny huh? Hehehehe. And so it begins...

Mini said...

If I were female I'd name my dildo Buzzz Lightyear.

They say though the real thing does something dildos cant do...Care to try it out I am free tonight.lol(just kiddin)

Peas on Toast said...

Snapper - well I hope to hear the good news about new ass very soon! :)

Jam - ha ha ha this horny thing I think is getting more attention than it deserves...I'm not dry humping desk legs or nuffink. :) But there's a certain...twinge in the air! )

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - yeah dildos can never replace the real thing, much like how blow up dolls can't.
But even so, he's my boy!

happy snapper said...

Oh, I will be shouting it from the rooftops when there's new ass :) woop woop.

Buzzz Lightyear hey? ...to infinity and beyond...

Mini said...

I think the next post should be dildo names.Sounds fun dont you think?

Happy instead of ex sex,try friends with benefits.Much better!(Strings need to be loadshed)

happy snapper said...

Yes, Dildo names would be fun :D

Ha ha! Mini, a friend of mine suggested that to me today aswell. Maybe its time I dabble in the friend/sex pool. Hmm....could get complicated though? Strings can also become tangled and messy. Yugh.

Mini said...

Happy

I am an uncomplicated guy,very fussy hence singleton and best of all free tonight.Care to join?

We could eat mushy peas on toast for supper but dessert is a surprise.

Mini said...

Oh umcomplicated when it comes friends with benefits,coz then it sounds like Mr contrdiction

happy snapper said...

Mini, you really know how to get a girl's blood pumping. Uncomplicated, fussy, and free tonight - all the things I am aswell.

Hmm...so supper is planned already, in a strange threesome kinda way. I like surprises.

So where would this orgi fest be out of curiousity?

happy snapper said...

Mr Contradiction. Ha ha ha, Ive dated a few of those :)

Nessers said...

Oh Happy - I agree with peas on this one - The only one who gets anything out of that arrangement is him and we end up crying for that much longer

happy snapper said...

I know, why do we do this to ourselves Nessers? Im definately getting the raw deal here. But I cant handle it anymore. Got to get over him, and give him the boot!

Peas on Toast said...

Snapper - I know it's hard doll. And maybe I've just grown balls of steel or something, but the best way to get over someone is to stop contact altogether. As in "leave me alone for a couple of months." It's fail proof - at least most of the time. :)

happy snapper said...

Yeah, I know what you mean, my balls are still hardening, its a tough process (ha ha) but yeah. Its also difficult because we have alot of mutual friends and are bound to run into each other anyway. sucks. I need closure though badly. Guessing games suck athlete's foot. I will find my peace though, one way or another.

Mini said...

Happy

I would like your thoughts from a female perspective......

I got into this heated debate with a pal of mine on sex.He claims why the fuck do you have to go all out for a gal with supper,courting,etc......And you still not gauranteed the parcel(sex).He says its an utter waste of time and money.

The guy says that its cheaper to go to a whore house instead or buy a bottle of vodka and get her drunk,coz then atleast you are guaranteed 'action'.

I on the other hand begged to differ,but than again I am Mr Complicated....

Oh btw....Orgy?...You already having dirty thoughts.And I thought I was the one with a dirty mind

Mini said...

Your place or mine Happy?lol

Revolving Credit said...

Someone called for a heated debate on sex?

OK, I'm here, let's debate....everyone can partake..make it a mass debate!

On that sunject, Peazle, I think freaky guy thought you guys were offering him some crack. That why he followed.

Were you wearing your La Freaks?

happy snapper said...

Well Mini, it depends what your motives are. Like, if you're only interested in a good shag and nothing more, then by all means, don't waste a good, decent woman's time and go for the whore. However, if you're looking for a meaningful relationship, then yes, all those things are very necessary. A woman wants to feel special and made a fuss over, otherwise, she could just go out for dinner etc with her friends. And, she still reserves the right to decide if and when she does give you sex.
If you arent really interested in her, then save her the heartache, and get your satisfaction from someone willing to give it at no emotional cost.

Orgy. Yes, I do have a dirty mind, ha ha ha. But you were the one who mentioned it ;)

Hmm...I think your place Mini :)

leez said...

Friends with benefits only work if the woman is emotionally stable. Ches had something to say about tis on his blog some weeks ago.

It is easier for men to have nsa fun. And not because they are users or selfish sods- please do watch the male bashing- but simply they are better equipeed with dealing with their emotions.

Despite what women would have us believe they do not know whta they want.

Do not enter into something if you have unrealistic expectations. Or if you are enotionally or even psychologically unstable.

As for whorehouses, no amount of money can buy genuine affection.

L

Mini said...

Well snapper seems like shes a super strong women!Boy I think i just had my first blog crush:).without even meeting happy

Come as you are!coz my toes have already curled for you happy.LMFAO

happy snapper said...

Leez - so true! It usually does only work for the man, and thats because woman are emotional beings. Its not that we're unstable, its just that we think and feel differently. Its alot easier for a guy to "switch off" if thats how I can say it, than for a woman. Infact, its really hard to switch off at all.
Friends with benefits is a dangerous risk.

Mini said...

Oh and one other thing happy,the quickest way to get over a guy is a rebound guy.I was a rebound guy...not good for guys but gr8 for gals!

happy snapper said...

Awwwww..mini! *super blushing*

Thank you, I like to think Im a strong woman, even though I do have my soft spots here and there :)

Ha ha ha, ok great Mini. Toe curling... lol! Sounds like we'll have an uber-fun night ;)

And yes, I do know about rebound guys. However, I know that its not really fair, unless the guy is fair game in it. I dont have the heart to pull with someone else's heartstrings, its not nice to be on the receiving end of that.

Mini said...

I was watching Private Practise and Boston Legal short while back.Both the shows had something with friends with benefits...Did you gals watch?

happy snapper said...

Oh, I love Boston Legal! But I dont have DStv, so dont get to watch very often :( so, no I didnt see that one. what happened?

boldly benny said...

Hello Peas, I love the comic - my ex always used to say: We're not here to fuck spiders. I think it's the funniest statement!

Mini said...

Well I was a fan of The Practise so I was disappointed when Boston Legal went onto DSTV.Anyway I just got the cheaper bouquet and now enjoy it.


Back to the episode...The blond chick decides to do the benefits thing,but she fucks up coz she does it with not 1 but 2 collegues....She falls pregnant and the 1 guy leaves the practise(the 1 who is not the father but the sweeter guy-if i may use a term without sounding gay)....still following @ present.

Mwah Happy you just made my day!

Mini said...

In the Private Practise episode the male Doc couldnt pursue it to the end once the female Doc undressed....He lost his "balls"

I got Balls(not big but they cause a motion in the ocean)!

happy snapper said...

Grand woops right there on Boston Blondie! Swak, you know it always ends up like that...if you dont think before you shag, you always end up losing the sweet guy. And now she's pregnant too! Damn, major oopsie. I think I need to start watching at friends houses more now :)

No, Mini, you made my day! mwah :)

happy snapper said...

Its all about the motion ;)

Well, ... mostly.