Fuck there's some dumb shit that transcends over the airwaves or TV.
Some of it is so beautifully arcane, one can only marvel at human obscurity and fucked up-ness.
Series Channel, a Verimark ad squeezes itself in and makes its larger-than-life self known. It's important to mention I was watching Men In Trees, which, I presume, is targeted towards the damsel collective equivalent of horny working-woman spinsters as myself.
As my back is turned I hear:
Dusting can be more fun than you ever imagined!
Hell's tits in a jar. Hold the telephone Gloria, I'll call you back.
They have just assumed that women imagine dusting in all its fun-ness.
I mean, do they? Seriously? Do women wake up and reckon, “Chrysler on crack, I'm so amped to dust - imagine if it was even more fun than this.”
Surely not. Surely the fuck not. Wasn't this meant to be aired in 1963? Did someone fuck up the time slot somewhere? [And consequently get fired?]
Nay, nay. The voice-over woman just gained unsullied momentum. Getting only more and more excited as she convinced housewives in the greater Brakpan area what they were missing out on.
...Imagine wanting to dust. Imagine looking forward to dusting? Imagine it being the best domestic fun you've ever thought possible?
OK I can think of plenty of domestic activities that are more fun than dusting.
One is eating a BLT sandwich on my balcony, admiring greater Hyde Park from one level up.
The other involves red stiletto's, a fuzzy rug, and Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits.
I'd even offer a double-your-money back guarantee over one hundred years that it's better than bloody dusting.
...The GoDuster is only R299.99 from Verimark, right now! Today even!
(It rotates. It has a rotating wankle engine. Communal-wank-for-50s-housewives-alert.)
...Order today and we'll include a free 500ml bottle of Handy Andy.
Get out your credit cards ladies.
What they could've done – and if they did – maybe I'd actually even consider purchasing the GoDuster 3 000, is this.
If they ran this ad like the Americans ran ads, then maybe I'd do it. American advertising is brutal; they're allowed to slam other brands. Comparatively, dogmatically, systematically. For instance, if they ran this ad as such:
[Cue dialogue between frustrated, confused, dazed housewives, who have imbibed too many Windolene fumes]
“Rhonda, should I buy the Bust-And-Dust S500, or should I buy the GoDuster 3 000? My [little puny] brain cannot decide which one to get...or which one is more fun!”
“Beulah, [and she's decidedly more rotund...] ... “The Bust-And-Dust S500 gives you deep vein thrombosis, hives and herpes. I'd definitely go for the GoDuster 3 000. Because it's so much fun, like.”
“Thanks Rhonda, that was such a close call.”
Immediate Disclaimer voice-over horse-racing running-commentary dude: “Warning! GoDuster 3 000 's side affects can cause anal leakage, civil war, give you an overwhelming urge to urinate in public walkways, eat sand, develop scabies, dysmenorreah, packagyria lycencephally, avian bird flu, AIDS and cancer. Batteries not included. Not for children under 3. Contains small parts. Don't consume these small parts.”
OK, whatever. I saw ads in the States that did this repeatedly. And it was fucking entertaining. It was like you knew that competing ad directors were throwing cake and pulling each other's hair over boardroom tables somewhere behind the scenes.
The other amazing thing I heard was on Madiba's birthday last week. They were reporting on some of the mounds of presents he'd received from the public for his 90th birthday. The 94.7 newsreader said:
Nelson Mandela was overwhelmed with public birthday gifts, of which some were rather strange. The two strangest gifts he received were, amongst others....a kettle and a home-made bath tub.
Oh Jesus hysterical.
I know what he needs! A kettle! He can't have one of those already. What about a Defy? You can always rely on Defy. In fact, I'm sure I have one lying around in the garage.
Or, how about I craft a bath tub for our great ex-president? He can simply knock out his [probably already kiff one with jets and anti-drip chrome taps] tub and simply slot mine in. I'll even paint it, you know, pretty it up. The guy NEEDs to bath in my home-made tub, man. You can't buy my bath for G Unit's bank balance.
People are simply fascinating.
That's all I'm saying.