Wednesday, July 23, 2008

arcane arcanity

Fuck there's some dumb shit that transcends over the airwaves or TV.

Some of it is so beautifully arcane, one can only marvel at human obscurity and fucked up-ness.

Series Channel, a Verimark ad squeezes itself in and makes its larger-than-life self known. It's important to mention I was watching Men In Trees, which, I presume, is targeted towards the damsel collective equivalent of horny working-woman spinsters as myself.

As my back is turned I hear:

Dusting can be more fun than you ever imagined!

Hell's tits in a jar. Hold the telephone Gloria, I'll call you back.

They have just assumed that women imagine dusting in all its fun-ness.
I mean, do they? Seriously? Do women wake up and reckon, “Chrysler on crack, I'm so amped to dust - imagine if it was even more fun than this.”

Surely not. Surely the fuck not. Wasn't this meant to be aired in 1963? Did someone fuck up the time slot somewhere? [And consequently get fired?]

Nay, nay. The voice-over woman just gained unsullied momentum. Getting only more and more excited as she convinced housewives in the greater Brakpan area what they were missing out on.

...Imagine wanting to dust. Imagine looking forward to dusting? Imagine it being the best domestic fun you've ever thought possible?

OK I can think of plenty of domestic activities that are more fun than dusting.

One is eating a BLT sandwich on my balcony, admiring greater Hyde Park from one level up.

The other involves red stiletto's, a fuzzy rug, and Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits.

I'd even offer a double-your-money back guarantee over one hundred years that it's better than bloody dusting.

...The GoDuster™ is only R299.99 from Verimark, right now! Today even!
(It rotates. It has a rotating wankle engine. Communal-wank-for-50s-housewives-alert.)

...Order today and we'll include a free 500ml bottle of Handy Andy.

Get out your credit cards ladies.

What they could've done – and if they did – maybe I'd actually even consider purchasing the GoDuster 3 000™, is this.
If they ran this ad like the Americans ran ads, then maybe I'd do it. American advertising is brutal; they're allowed to slam other brands. Comparatively, dogmatically, systematically. For instance, if they ran this ad as such:

[Cue dialogue between frustrated, confused, dazed housewives, who have imbibed too many Windolene fumes]

“Rhonda, should I buy the Bust-And-Dust S500™, or should I buy the GoDuster 3 000™? My [little puny] brain cannot decide which one to get...or which one is more fun!”

“Beulah, [and she's decidedly more rotund...] ... “The Bust-And-Dust S500™ gives you deep vein thrombosis, hives and herpes. I'd definitely go for the GoDuster 3 000™. Because it's so much fun, like.”

“Thanks Rhonda, that was such a close call.”

Immediate Disclaimer voice-over horse-racing running-commentary dude: “Warning! GoDuster 3 000 ™'s side affects can cause anal leakage, civil war, give you an overwhelming urge to urinate in public walkways, eat sand, develop scabies, dysmenorreah, packagyria lycencephally, avian bird flu, AIDS and cancer. Batteries not included. Not for children under 3. Contains small parts. Don't consume these small parts.”

OK, whatever. I saw ads in the States that did this repeatedly. And it was fucking entertaining. It was like you knew that competing ad directors were throwing cake and pulling each other's hair over boardroom tables somewhere behind the scenes.

The other amazing thing I heard was on Madiba's birthday last week. They were reporting on some of the mounds of presents he'd received from the public for his 90th birthday. The 94.7 newsreader said:
Nelson Mandela was overwhelmed with public birthday gifts, of which some were rather strange. The two strangest gifts he received were, amongst others....a kettle and a home-made bath tub.

Oh Jesus hysterical.

I know what he needs! A kettle! He can't have one of those already. What about a Defy? You can always rely on Defy. In fact, I'm sure I have one lying around in the garage.

Or, how about I craft a bath tub for our great ex-president? He can simply knock out his [probably already kiff one with jets and anti-drip chrome taps] tub and simply slot mine in. I'll even paint it, you know, pretty it up. The guy NEEDs to bath in my home-made tub, man. You can't buy my bath for G Unit's bank balance.

People are simply fascinating.

That's all I'm saying.


kyknoord said...

You know, I was going to send him a bath, but I couldn't afford the courier fee.

Anonymous said...

Ok so I read this here blog most days. And I suppose I then beleive I am well qualified to comment having some insight into the phases in your life. But bly me beulah you weren't fucken around when you said life is great. I must say that your posts over the last couple of days and perhaps even weeks have been down right bloody hysterical. Today will surely attract a blog award. I have been rolling on the floor laughing messing coffe all over my crisp white shirt. And I just don't care cause I'm serious like cancer when I say rythmn is a dancer (que da na na). Oops soory, got carried away. I dunno if its google or the "new friend" or even the dildo, white fluffy rug and red heals. But I say the combination is fucken fabulous. Keep it all up PEASY!!! I mean ALL of it :)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Such a pity. Because maybe they'd cut the fee in half if you sent him the hand-made basin to go with the tub too.

Anon - why hello there whoever you are! Bless, I've just returned from an aching crunch hour of pilates and I come back to your awesome comment - thanks so much! Yeah it's pretty much a combination of all those things you mentioned and more! Oh baby if only you knew the rest of it :) Thanks so much x

Charmskool said...

Peas you have so blown my cover. I laughed so hard I spilt coffee on my keyboard. By the way I have the best red stilettos ever (open sides and peep toes), am planning on hunting down Lionel Ritchie's greatest hits and saving for my fluffy white rug then all I have to do is convince my fave Joburg hunk to visit CT for a spell.....

Peas on Toast said...

Ooh Charm! You bought some open-0toed red heels? They sound just like mine! Mine are like that too - do you have a pic, or could you post one??

And bless. Fuck, if I make people laugh then my deed here is done. It fills me :)

Mini said...

House my new favourite show on the series channel.Man is Dr House a fucking Legend!

Men in trees is ok coz there is nothing better to watch on a Wednesday.

I never quite got the ABFLEX by Verimark.I mean you could come to my place for 10 minutes each day and I swear by the end of week 3 I will also guarantee

Charmskool said...

They're from Zoom? Will give posting a pic of them a try soon. Maybe I'll do a selection of my shoes and jewellery hahaha.

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - Oh I agree with you on House. I mean, who knew Vicodin could make a dude so intelligently witty/amazing/insultingly endearing?

I like Men In Trees. But then there's nothing else to watch on telly at the moment.

Dude remember when they did the StairMaster Verimark ads. I think Isabel Jones did that guy too. Scary.

Charm - I totally got mine at Zoom/Planisphere too. Great minds lady, great minds :)

Lisa said...

Jeeeeezuz babe,
i think i just jammed my 2nd keyboard with literally came out of my nose!
that is HIIGH-sterical!

Peas on Toast said...

Hahaha, so glad I'm getting everyone to wreck their keyboards with Mocca Java. I feel so special! :)

Anonymous said...

Hi! Being your FAB self, you made me think of the BEST EVER complaint letter send. If you already have this, sorry, but read it again anyway for the hell of it, and wrecking another keyboard...



Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,like 'Put Down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong'?
- Or are
you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh1t.

And that's a promise I will keep.



Wendi Aarons