Peas: Word up. My rug hasn’t arrived yet and the customer service of this store is DOPE. You got that? D. To the O. To the P. To the E. Dope.
Lady: 'Excuse me?'
Peas: This shit isn’t gravy. First you tell me it’s in Bloemfontein, then you tell me it's chilling in Menlyn. That shit is Farked. Arp.
Peas: I don’t wanna get all gangsta on your ass, don’t be making me throw a can of whoop ass at your online catalogue or nothin'. Don’t be making me come down in a ho down showdown. My rug ain't arriving, and that shit is WHACK.
Lady: ‘When did you order it?’
Peas: Three weeks ago; don’t make a sistah wait. That shit is not going down like a hash brown in Chinatown.
Lady: ‘Are you for real?’
Peas: Fo shizzle I’m fo real. This shit is gonna pop me the fuck off.
Lady: ‘Is this a prank call?’
Peas: Who you calling a prank call? Shimmy over and say that HERE, dog. Did you just call me a prank call? Don’t be putting your ‘prank calls’ into a hole…I got too much soul to be put in a hole.
Peas: ...You’re only one in 3 million that belong in my B Team, yo.
Lady: ‘I’m going to put the phone down unless you state your name and why you are filing a complaint.’
Peas: Three words: GET RUG FOOL.
Peas: Hi..it’s me…the white gangsta, but you can call me Ice. Box. With an X on the end.
Peas: Good afternoon, could I please make a complaint about a very late rug? White, fluffy…I promise to behave.
Lady: ‘Reference number please.’
Peas: D to the Izzo, E to the Shizzo, M to the Mizzo. I’m only ripping at your socks, sistah. It’s 555-T-H-I-S-I-S-D-O-P-E.
Lady: ‘It’ll, by guarantee, arrive in this branch tomorrow.’
Lady: ‘We will phone you to let you know when it arrives.’
Peas: Shit is gravy baby. Fo sure. Although they did say that last time, and I was all like ‘G’s up, Ho’s down’ and then it never materialised. I have my benjamins, I have my greens, I’m ready to roll with my shit off safety with my brother, G Unit. You know him?
That’ll ensure I annoyed them beyond Irritation Maximus, and my rug as sure fire hell, will arrive tomorrow.
It had better.
Because they haven’t heard me in Chav.