Tuesday, July 08, 2008

how to make a complaint:

Peas: Word up. My rug hasn’t arrived yet and the customer service of this store is DOPE. You got that? D. To the O. To the P. To the E. Dope.

Lady: 'Excuse me?'

Peas: This shit isn’t gravy. First you tell me it’s in Bloemfontein, then you tell me it's chilling in Menlyn. That shit is Farked. Arp.

[silence]

Peas: I don’t wanna get all gangsta on your ass, don’t be making me throw a can of whoop ass at your online catalogue or nothin'. Don’t be making me come down in a ho down showdown. My rug ain't arriving, and that shit is WHACK.

Lady: ‘When did you order it?’

Peas: Three weeks ago; don’t make a sistah wait. That shit is not going down like a hash brown in Chinatown.

Lady: ‘Are you for real?’

Peas: Fo shizzle I’m fo real. This shit is gonna pop me the fuck off.

Lady: ‘Is this a prank call?’

Peas: Who you calling a prank call? Shimmy over and say that HERE, dog. Did you just call me a prank call? Don’t be putting your ‘prank calls’ into a hole…I got too much soul to be put in a hole.

[silence]

Peas: ...You’re only one in 3 million that belong in my B Team, yo.

Lady: ‘I’m going to put the phone down unless you state your name and why you are filing a complaint.’

Peas: Three words: GET RUG FOOL.

[dead. Redial.]

Peas: Hi..it’s me…the white gangsta, but you can call me Ice. Box. With an X on the end.

[dead. Re-Redial]

Peas: Good afternoon, could I please make a complaint about a very late rug? White, fluffy…I promise to behave.

Lady: ‘Reference number please.’

Peas: D to the Izzo, E to the Shizzo, M to the Mizzo. I’m only ripping at your socks, sistah. It’s 555-T-H-I-S-I-S-D-O-P-E.

Lady: ‘It’ll, by guarantee, arrive in this branch tomorrow.’

Peas: Word?

Lady: ‘We will phone you to let you know when it arrives.’

Peas: Shit is gravy baby. Fo sure. Although they did say that last time, and I was all like ‘G’s up, Ho’s down’ and then it never materialised. I have my benjamins, I have my greens, I’m ready to roll with my shit off safety with my brother, G Unit. You know him?

[dead]

That’ll ensure I annoyed them beyond Irritation Maximus, and my rug as sure fire hell, will arrive tomorrow.

It had better.

Because they haven’t heard me in Chav.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL just had to say, yesterdays and todays posts are hillarious!

-Chan

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Chan :)

Just know that I'm waiting for this All Important 'Come Get Your Rug' phonecall.

My hands are itching. ;)

Gold digger said...

I do hope you get "The Rug" (which has now reach capital letter status in my mind), but I can't help but hope to get to read the chav version of this post. You brought the first smile to my day.

Peas on Toast said...

Gold Digger - now you're speaking my language, holmes.

The Rug.
Da Rug.

Wtach how bovvered I'll be if this rug doesn't make it to my house tonight.

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

i think i'm going to try that on Nashua Mobile right now. they still haven't delivered my 3G data card which was promised to me over a month ago.

That shit definitely aint gravy, nor is it Bisto, yo.

Peas on Toast said...

Thrills - yeah that shit ain't Bisto baby, it's time to get on yo phone and throw out a few ay yo foshizzles where-the-fuck-is-my-fucking-3G-card, don't-be-making-a-sistah-wait-for-internet-access...

And then explain that Internetlessness is the capital of Dope.

If all goes awry, tell them if this shit ain't arriving on your the doorstep of your crib, you're gonna a -go to MTN.

(tHAT MUST BE AN EMPTY THREAT. bEcaUSE i WILL UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SUGGEST GOING THERE EITHER. Ever.)

Jam said...

Laughing my ass off...Peas, you are priceless, sista.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - sistah, I be hanging off the chandeliers in antici - to the - pation for this Ghost Rug.

It's like it's in a dungeon somewhere.

Doin' jailtime with the rest of the holmes.

Vimbai said...

Peas is fluent in Ebonics, i have seen/read it all today, lol.

On da real tho homie, smack dem upside the head and bust a cap in their asses son, if you don't get your shit today.

Word!

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - they's better be DEL-IV-ERIN'.

Deliver to a sistah. Because this sistah is WAITIN'....and slatin'...AND WON'T BE MASTURBATIN'.

Ok I had to put that in, because it rhymes.

Sunrise Chip n' Cheez said...

Excercise that Pimp hand, make it strong with, never let the PIMP hand get weak, thats when the street gets you...Ha ha, too funny. Good luck, with you shiz!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Sunrise! I love that - The Pimp Hand. :)

Lisa said...

the one thing i needed to hear today...
"I GOTS TOO MUCH SOUUUUUL TO BE PUT IN A HOOOOOOLE"

word to ya mutha!

Muriel said...

Whahaha this is so funny!! I hope you get da Rug!! ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh
My
God

PEAS!

This is hill-hairy-arse! seriously... how you come up with some of this is beyond me, but let the good times roll...

YOU DA REEL DEAL!

*Megz

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - I'm gonna ensure that somehow, I stay out of the hole for the remainder of the day ;)

Muriel - it's 14:05pm, and still no call. I'm starting to get depressed...this shit isn't good.

Megz - thanks doll :)
NOW WHERE PRAY IS MY RUG??

Anonymous said...

Peas, I'm pretty sure dope is good and whack is bad.

Wanda

Peas on Toast said...

Wanda - quite right. Except I prefer to use dope as 'lame' and whack as 'even more lame.'

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Dude!! You did NOT do that? Tell me you did...hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
She probably had you on speaker! Sweeet!!!

And?? Where the hell is the R to the U to the G?

Aunty Helpful Dictator said...

Dude, your post is better than gizoogle!

I hope they recorded your call for training purposes!

reluctantmom said...

I laughed so much now, some tea shot out of my nose!!