Monday, July 28, 2008

labyrinths & dungeons

Friday was a bit insane.

But whatever. What really sketched out Friday for me was getting lost in the purlieu of suburbia.

This happens from time to time, where I find myself in Groundhog Hell.

I left Benmore and drove into Parkmore. And didn't leave for another 2 hours. By all fault of my own.

You know when you're driving along and then suddenly, this suburbicarian labyrinth just goes and swallows you the fuck up? One minute you can see Sandton City due west.

Then you're on an obscure 156th Street or the likes, facing a boom, tearing around corners in a panic, because you're so fucking lost and disorientated by the sheer suburban vastness of this dorky place, and the faubourg maze that is the mundane suburb of Parkmore won't let you out?

How many times can 1 x white Beetle drive down a street, back and forth, blaring Top Gun's Take My Breath Away? without having someone alert security? The answer: 78 times.

Total party killer.

I got out eventually. Stumbling onto Grayston after going round and round in circles, sweating, breaking out in hives and...annoyed that the debacle just chomped up half my night and increased my carbon footprint due to sheer disregard for basic nautical direction.


Saturday I went out with Guy I'm Having Fun With At The Moment and his mates to klap a couple of prawns in Kensington. During the main course, I started getting the most overwhelmingly moonstruck, if not unsound, urge.

It started creeping under my skin, making me want to paw at my face.

I wanted to belt out a song. In a very real and very direct way.

I wanted to sing in public. In a very disgusting place.

I made everyone come with me to the Colony.

Now, maybe I just haven't been there on a Saturday in months and months and months, and maybe it's because I haven't released myself over a microphone to a throng of drunk and disorderly people caned up to the eyeballs, for a while.

But the place was even more scatological than I even remembered.

Someone was telling me that when the place was held up a few months ago, and when everyone was told to lie on the floor, while guns were being pointed, one girl was like, 'Listen. No ways. Sorry. There's no ways I'm touching this floor.' (Shoot me, fine. But the floor? That's completely unreasonable.)

First thing I do when I arrive, is put my hand on a chair, where there has formed a small puddle of urine. No jokes.

Annoyingly, we never got to sing. The queue was too long, and the DJ put his foot down when I asked him. The DJ gave me bat. The incidulent bastard.

We did however drink cane and cream soda like the good old days, and like always, it does crazy crap to the reactive centre of my brain. Someone poked me in the forehead and I nearly punched him, but besides that, it was a solid 7/10 night.

Now. My Can You Twist story launches this week. On t'Internet. Each day a chapter is revealed. Can you dig it?

If you can like it, be a devil and vote. And I'll purr with appreciation. And podcast it if you like. (Me purring. Podcast-style.)

But don't worry, I probably wouldn't do that. Probably.


Nessers said...

I get lost just like that so when I was given a Garmin for my last birthday it was truly the most thoughful and brilliant gift anyone has ever given me - either that or the giver was totally sick and tired of me calling him to aske for directions when I was lost - either way - I don't get lost any more

kyknoord said...

I always say better scatalogical than eschatological.

leez said...

Love your London twist piece. I could omagnine myself riding the tube.


Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - Nice!! Thing is, I have a mapbook stuffed under my seat. But since being smash 'n grabbed, there's no way I'm parking off on a deserted road to navigate myself out of there. No ways china.

Kyk - You prefer pooh then?

Leez - thanks so much babe. You have no idea how scared I am for this story! Eek! Please vote on Friday if you can like it :)

FiOnion said...

I'm a pretty good navigator but those boomed (geboomde?) suburbs get me confuzzed.
Someone once suggested my navigationally-challenged hubby get hisself a Garmin. Yeah, right... I can just see him arguing with The Voice and telling it he's got a Better Shortcut.

Peas on Toast said...

fionion - yeah, watch the third party screaming match there! Although hysterical:
'Turn right at next intersection.'
Hubby: fuck you. I know what you're trying to do.
'Turn right at next not swear at me.'
Hubby: Fuck you for telling me not to swear at you.

FiOnion said...

Baaad Peas! That gave me a giggle.

And next moment Garmin grows wings and flies...outta the window!

Peas on Toast said...

Fionion: 'You can't catch me, I'm a Garmin!'
Hubby: [screeches to a halt, flings open door]'Dude, when I catch you, I'm gonna make sure you're unable to ever EVER dictate which way I should turn onto Empire!'

Fyver said...

On this post I will have to unfortunately to the dismay of every Garmin user shoot it down ... Many a time have I entered a destination in a GPS device only to have it respond with an abrupt " I have no idea where the fuck you want to go" response. So like many I have learned the ability to navigate to any destination once I have been there from anywhere in the country. A GPS device is nothing more than a yuppie showoff plaything to impress your nonexistent friends that you have some sense of direction ... sorry, no sense of direction and need some robotic mechanical device 3000km in the sky to tell you where the fuck you are and where you are heading. If you are lost in the first place and don't know where you are going ... stay at home ... you will reduce the number of idiots on the road and therefor reduce the number of fatal accident on our roads by turning in places where accident are prone to happen. So if you are one of those people that have no sense of direction and get lost easily ... stay at home, order Debonair's pizza so you can stay off the public roads and save lives!!! PS Taxi drivers are just a bunch of inbred idiots thay buy their licenses behind any pick and pay or checkers store ... why are the police not clamping down on this when it is common knowledge????

Peas on Toast said...

Fyver - hectic. I've never owned one, however I can say this about cops not clamping down on license fraud: because they're too fucking lazy/don't give a fuck. I think that pretty much covers it.

PS: Stay in and order pizza? But I wouldn't get to see Parkmore's streets at close range over and over and over again!

Anonymous said...

your story is...meh. you don't have the gift for prose that you think you do, dear. can't wait for the "book".

Peas on Toast said...

Cheer up Emo kid.

Idle Layabout said...

Ah, the suburbs from hell. We have them in Cape Town too:

Peas on Toast said...

Idle - thanks so much, I'll have a little read!