Friday, July 11, 2008

notre club du jour

So I went out for a girl's dinner last night.

And we have decided: 'Book Club. Fuck it.'

Instead, I came back the president of Sex Club.

How fucking great is that? We're starting Sex Club. (Although to the prospective boyfriends and family, it's still 'Book Club.')

Book Club is lame. Sex Club is sensational. Girls only, twice a month, my God, I'm excited. And I get to whoreganise the whole thing, quite literally.

The possibilties are endless. For instance our first meeting, we'll have a fuck-aware party.

I hosted one of these before, almost three years ago. Twenty of us dressed up like slutty school girls, had a lady come over with a suitcase full of dildo's, drank lots of wine, giggled, and went out to shake slutty ass.

The Sex Toy Lady was awfully professional and straight-laced about the line of vibrators she had in her special bag of tricks. She'd wave one about, all the while whirring away, in the air, and run through each dildo's top features. So while the thing was doing it's thing, she'd say,
“So the Dolphinator S900 has three speed settings, and pearl beads. It's just snapped up. Very popular by public demand.”

Or, “Those with more conservative dildoesque taste can always opt for the Plastic Thimble S560. As you can see, it's strictly form follows function. Very post modern.”

Most of us bought lots of merchandise. Some of us giggled so much we snapped our suspenders.
I wore a vinyl French Maid's outfit, which had to be cut off me with scissors at 3:00am, because the latex had congealed with the sweat against my skin.


Anyway, I have her business card from then, and I'll host it next week. Sex Club, not Book Club. We could do many awesome [not to mention educational] activities:

A pole dancing lesson.
Episodes of Sex & The City if we're not up for purchasing deplorable vibrator.
Jilly Cooper novel swappage.
Porn and popcorn in our pyjamas.
A trip to Hustler on Corlett Drive.
A strip show/lesson (as long as he's dressed up like a fireman/policeman/MBA student - was the consensus)
Ann Summers lingerie parties, in bulk from overseas.
Teaz-hers. (Athough Klo says it's dope, Teazers may be better. If not to watch real life poen...or like, table legs)
Group Kegel exercises.

Whatever. Either way, it's a helluva lot spicier than normal book club.

I'll make cosmopolitans and phallic-looking cocktail sausages, roll up the rug and do goodie bags.

I might've found my calling. President of my own Sex Club.

PS: (“Not tonight Gary, I have Sex Club with the girls.”)


Revolving Credit said...

I wasn't expecting you to break in the rug with a bunch of girls, but hey, each to her own!

FiOnion said...

Somebody PLEEEZE video the group Kegel exercises! :D

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - group kegel exercises on the rug? ;)

Fionion - could you IMAGINE. God it would be an absolute scream!

SwissTwist said...

I'm expecting my invitation in the mail!!!!

PS like with a traditional Book Club there's a book to read beforehand.. what sort of homework will you be expecting? hahahaha

Peas on Toast said...

Swiss - hahah :)

'Now girls, as president, I have assigned you some homework. Ten Kegels per day, and a link to an online vibrator catalogue. She who finds that ultimate vibrator, gets...a free drink.'

Jam said...

*evil grin*
Oh, I have so so so many ideas.
Although not too sure about the group Kegel exercises....

Jam said...

Me thinks you need to roll up rugginess for these events though

DT said...

What an excellent idea Peas !!Teaz-hers is a hellva laugh- it is hysterical watching grown men gyrating in red g-strings with smug ‘trying to be sexy’ smiles on their faces. But a word of warning; avoid large men covered in oil sitting on your lap - I still want to gag just thinking about it!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - yeah Group Kegels would have to be done after about a gazillion glasses of wine ;)

And the rug is going to be rolled up and stuffed in a cupboard!

DT - it is hysterical watching grown men gyrating in red g-strings...oh my blushing poen muscle. Holy cow, and OIL? Like Vernon-Koekemoer body oil??

DT said...

LOL - More than likely!! Lots to look forward to!!

MidniteGem said...

LOL - just did a pole dancing class last weekend and I have the BIGGEST briuses on the inside of my thighs!! was SO painful...but so much fun too ! talk about full body work out even the insides of my hands were sore !

Peas on Toast said...

DT - I'm almost nervous! :)

Midnitegem - hectic, I can imagine - the inner-thigh bruising must be hardcore - isn't there some of that resin stuff, like what ballerinas use to avoid the chafing?

MidniteGem said...

hmmm... i have no idea...i def wanted my climbing chalk the whole time cause my hand kept slipping too fast down the pole - landed on my bum a couple of times.
They were def worth it tho!

Peas on Toast said...

Too exciting! I did drunken pole dancing in...Brussels once. Random. And not helluva sexy. I want to be able to do that upside down turny thing the professionals do....

kyknoord said...

Chilli poppers would also spice things up.

Lisa said...

I can't freakin wait!

Peas on Toast said...

Kyknoord, where've you been my whole life?? :(

Yes, I'll add the poppers to the sausages...;)

HPF - oh neither can I mate, neither can I!

Ches said...

Jilly Cooper novel swappage?
You bad bad girls!! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - Intense hey. EXTREEEEME! :)

FiOnion said...

More novel-swappage fodder... Jenny Crusie.

Anonymous said...

Peas, I need to host a party like that (my sis is getting hitched, she is not the normal kitchen tea type) and NEED the number of the vibrator waving lady. Could you help a gal out?

Peas on Toast said...

happytheclam - no probs babe, simply book the person here!

Peas on Toast said...

Jayzuz, hows that link!

Sorry man, here you go:

Anonymous said...

It should be peach on toast, cause babe, you're a peach! thanks a million.