Went over to Dove's last night (well, she's staying in a very swanky apartment in Melrose Arch at the moment, only for two weeks), so I took over my Box Noodle and a bottle of wine.
And really, it's amazing what we do to entertain ourselves.
Firstly she found a piece of fluff in her lettuce bag. And she reckons, 'Do you think if I successfully sue Woolworths, I'll get a lifetime's worth of rocket?'
It's not a bug Dove. It's actually a piece of stray seed.
'It's a fucking bug mate. It has legs.'
No it really doesn't.
'Free rocket for a lifetime. Imagine that.'
She showed me THEE most amazing thing on her MacBook. And again, this is why I love my MacBook, and this is why you want to own one.
For the Text Edit programme.
You type words in a box, any words – and trust me, we pulled the ring out of the profanities - you then hit 'Speech' and Bob's Your Auntie, it fucking says your words. But in all sorts of different ways.
It's Speak & Spell, only more sophisticated.
There's 'Fred,' the default voice over guy, but there's also 'Deranged' and 'Hysterical' too, which was nothing short of unprecedented entertainment.
We spent the night playing Mission: Beat The Machine, This Is Extreme.
We started off with the basics. As one does.
honk honk honk honk honk honk. get off the hooter mate. you are shagging on the fucking hooter.
And: fuck. fuck. fuck. va jay jay poenani.
Well blow me down, it got everyone of those words perfectly articulately. So now it became a a mission to beat the machine at it's own game.
The perfect evening of drunken geekery. God. What a rush.
We tried verbosely ridiculous celebrity names:
peaches geldof, mary kate olsen, jake gyllenhaal, viggo mortensen, amy winehouse, victoria von engershausen [That name doesn't exist – but it could fuck the machine - Ed] maria sharipova, martina navratalova, enrique iglesias, jennifer lopez, moon unit zappa, ashton kutcher, hugh hefner scarlett johannson, naomi campbell, giselle bundchen, matthew mcconnaughay joaquin phoenix.
It even got Joaquin Phoenix perfectly. Tough crowd. So we tried bigger words:
hyperbole, hypothalamus, diarroeah, onomatopoeia, algorithm, oesophagus,homophobic, deep vein thrombosis, enema, somnambulist, kiddie fiddler, paedophile, telefunken.
Right. How about: supercallafragelisticexpialladocious
Holy tits. Not a phonic out of place.
Game On Muthafucker.
Rare and [frankly unfortunate] diseases:
gonorrhoea, syphilis, herpes, hepatitis b, pneumonia, cirrhosis, bronchitis,thrush, piles, kwashiokor, rickets, bunion, candida, haemophilia, anaemia, psychological dysfunction, pap smear, scabies, foot fungus.
Fred was on fire.
It said 'shassey' not 'cha-sis.'
When was the point going to be when we say, 'We fucked you man. Ka ching?'
Place names. English-sounding ones only, because we don't need to cheat when we have a challenge. We will beat the machine:
berwick upon tweed, pimlico, kloof, suffolk, minneapolis, saskatchewan, raleigh north carolina, greenwich
Dude. It even got Grennidge.
But. It's not over till the fat lady sings.
hydrogen sulphide, potassium dichromate, bromine water, intergalactic stratosphere, hydrochloric acid, molecules, carbon fibroids, caustic soda, sulphuric acid, plutonium, curium, einsteinium, freudian, marxism, lithuania, uzbekistan, tajikistan, kazakhstan.... borat
It was either going to fall short with Borat or Freudian. But it didn't. Fiddlesticks.
Dove executed a final blow, as did I. Hers was (and it's a real word:)
Everything was going fine until Fred stumbled upon the second-to-last syllable. 'Ism.' He didn't get the 'ism' at the end.
The rush. The immediate high. My. God.
Then I typed in: (and bear in mind, I wrote it out so that it was an easy read for the machine. I gave the machine ample room to get this right, but alas alack. I beat the machine:)
am i bovv id. am i bovv id though. arcs me if i'm bovv id. look at my face. am i bovv id, arcs me if i am bovv id. i aint even bovv id. i aint even bovvid though.
The machine read 'bovvid' as 'back fed.' We had to write 'buvvered' for it to pronounce it properly.
So there you go. Bovvid and Antidisestablishmentarianism. That'll show it whose boss.