Thursday, July 03, 2008

speech therapy

The Machine continues to to taunt me with its amazing voice over options and sundry.

It has a 'Good News' voice, (it sings dude, it sings) and 'Albert' sounds like he's choking the chicken.

3RM came over for a game of Shithead.

To which: (Typing furiously)

Albert: Why. Are. You. Wearing. An. Eastern. German. Flag. On. Your. Coat?

3rm: I refuse to communicate with you through a Stephen Hawking -style voice synthesizer.

(More typing furiously, fuck I wish I could touch type)

Albert: I.Am. Not. A. Vocolator. I.Am. Simply. A. Medium. Communicating. Peas'. Thoughts.

3RM: Stop.

Albert: This. Is. The. Age. Of. Technology. Get. With. The. Programme......Pimp. Daddy.

(manic typing)

OK. I. Will. Do. You. A. Fave. And. Switch. To. 'Bruce'. Because. Albert. Sounds. Like. He. Is. Constipated.

3RM: Please stop that now.

Bruce: But. Why.

Are. You. Dealing. The. Cards. Or. What.

Was. That .A. Grunt.

Bruce Loves. You. Dude.

OK. Fine. We. Can. Play. Now

Whale and I think that 3RM should be the next Nando's guy. We thought about it over lunch, the guy would be the perfect mascot for a Nando's Twister. He could make a lot of spare cash.

He needs to star in a Nando's ad.

He says it's not 'his thing'. But maybe when the adoring female fans throw their doondies at him, it could be. I'm just saying.

I caught him watching two little Neurofen men fighting each other on TV. The levels this guy will go to watch the crappest shit on TV surprises even me.

Oh. And. (This is Peas talking, not my computified vocolator,) But someone in my complex either:

a) plays the digeridoo;

b) blows his/her nose with forceful aplomb;

c)went to the toilet extremely loudly last night.


The Blonde Blogshell said...

Oh shit. That was probably me. When I blow my nose, I sound like an elephant shagging a foghorn. In the most ladylike way of course!

3RM must have LOVED the idea of being Nando's dude...just think of how much money you could make as his manager!! Haha!!

kyknoord said...

Maybe it was (d) all of the above.
Did it sound like he/she was harmonising with him/herself?

Peas on Toast said...

Blogshell - It is entirely possible to blow one's nose as a classy lady using great force. And 3RM reckons fame is not his bag,...but fortune is. So maybe he should become a franchisee? ;)

Kyk - the harmonising led me to believe that this person is very musical, if indeed they were doing all three at once. :)

Anonymous said...

Peas, I totally need to get my hands on one of these imacs... I can reason with your obession, it would be nothing short of high-larious!!!

I wish you could do a voice post haha with "Albert" speaking!..

ahhh endless entertainment!

Keep on keepin on .

Xo Megz

Peas on Toast said...

Megz - ah thanks china! And yes, I just can't believe I only discovered this nifty little speech tool two years on! The cartoon creator is also tops of course.

And that's my next mission - to somehow record a sound clip of Albert talking. Because trust me, it'll knock your tits off. He's hysterical.
But it won't let me record. I need to get onto a geeky Mac forum or something and beg the online geeks to help!

3rm said...

megz - what she doesn't tell you is that her macbook is only eighteen months old and it constantly hangs itself off just before she can save her work. trust me, stick to PC's.

Mel said...

A couple of months back we were just settling into bed when the neighbour upstairs farted so loudly we could hear it... I have never laughed so hard in my life! It sounded like one of those amplified, in the bath farts. So what's more embarrassing? Your neighbour hearing you fart, or KNOWING your neighbour heard you fart coz you can hear them laughing at you?

You know what is also very amusing is sending an sms to someone's landline. Most effective when you are in the same room of course. The sms is read out by this creepy alien/electronic voice...

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - oh you just love that don't you. When my machine crashes and I want to throw it off the balcony in frustration.

But remember dude, two things:
1) Nando'she makes great food.
2) Bruce loves you.

Mel - hahaha, LANDLINE SMS'ES ARE SO UNDERRATED! I agree, it's a fucking HOOT. Especially if you write it after a few drinks. It's entertainment that should be made mainstream china. LOVE IT.

Oh and the neighbourly fart? Fucking highlarious. I'd absolutely DIE laughing.

Charmskool said...

Peas you are ruining my rep as dutiful employee. A whole bunch of people just saw me falling about laughing and wiping tears off my face - you are sooo funny. I can hear my neighbour wee - we are old school friends - and once when she was irritating me I mentioned in passing that I could hear her. She stopped using her en-suite for months heheh. Btw I think the twister is from KFC - not that I watch these tv ads or anything.

Peas on Toast said...

Cahrm - I can hear my neighbour wee...well that was me. I just lot instant credibility in my office from the loud LADYLIKE mind you snort I just emitted.

I'm starting to wonder whether my neighbours hear me wee now. Shit. Paranoia. And I only have one WC at home.

PS: You could be right about the Twister. I tend to eat more fried chicken than the Portuguese variety.

Lisa said...

i have nothing to say today except...hysterical

Peas on Toast said...

Dude, next time you come round - you know what we're doing right? ;)

leez said...

for your love of the english language. Try this.

Anyway, I'd rather it be sneezing or shitting than the fake moans youcan sometimes hear through the bedroom walls. Why make flat walls so thin?

SheBee said...

You need to make it say:

I are RTD2. Bring me my machine gun, Umshiniwami.

Yes, thats what he should say. In the Arnold voice.

Peas on Toast said...

Leez - bless your heart. And I've heard more than enough shagging coming through hotel walls/res room walls/neighbourley walls than I care to remember. iPod boet. It's the only way.

Sheebs - Done deal. I'll make Arnold say it tonight. :)

zuzula said...

okay i have a mac and i haven't discovered this yet! off to investigate...

Peas on Toast said...

Zu - babe, two things:
1) Cartoon Creator. It's in your applications. It's called 'Plasq'.

2) Go to the Finder. Type in 'Text Edit.' A little box will pop up. Type in anything you want, but I highly recommend 'shit fuck wet testicle sack' as a default.
Then go to Settings, then 'Speech'. From there you can choose your voice over person. It's poetry mate, poetry.

Lisa said...

honey, you say when!
i have books of victorian poetry and ee cummings i can't wait to make it recite

Lisa said...

have you thought about practical applications?
such as typing in things like..
"you are by the see a man...he is running towards skies...bla bla"
and then clicking enter and lying back for the ultimate in guided meditation/fantasy?

Mel said...

Hey, just discovered that good old Windows has a similar function - the Speech icon in the control panel. Although we don't have Albert, we have Microsoft Sam....

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - what a superb idea! Meditation!
''s...very..nice....i mean..tranquil and calm.' Genius!

Mel - Ace! Now I can play at work! I knew this PC had to have SOMETHING grand on it! Awesome, thanks!

nettiethebelle said...

Oh, I hope it's the didgeridoo..

Peas on Toast said...

Nettiebelle - so do I doll, so do I...