Wednesday, August 06, 2008

back to business

Over lunch:

Mum: [looking concerned] Peas....how are we going to hide your book from my more conservative friends?

Peas: Do they read?

Mum: Friends, mind, that have known you since you were an innocent, little, untouched, unprejudiced bay-bee.

Peas: Hell shit mum, I don't know.

Mum: Think about your grandmother, she wants to read it. There's no way we can let her.

Peas: OK that's where I agree. That book mustn't step foot page into their house.

Just tell her the truth: it's not her target market.

[pause]

Mum: Your grandfather might have a heart attack. I mean, remember that time when we were in the game reserve and he found a joint in your cigarette box?

Peas: Yes. That moment is forever entrenched in my memory banks.

Just say....that it's written in Afrikaans. They're French. It's the only sure-fire way Gramps' ever-slippery grip on sanity stays...gripped.

Mum: Everyone in their old age village is asking about it for the weekly book club. They're over 80 Peas.

Peas: Hell's tits. They'll never be the same. Can't you just write a shadow book? And quickly? You know, about horses neighing in fields? Or astronauts? Or something?

Mum: One of [the family friends who knew me before I was two fused gametes] found your blog once...and had to take the dogs for a walk while I got a very shocked, clandestine phone call, and where he mentioned your regularity in 'dropping an F-Bomb.'

Peas: You should've reminded him that I'm 27. And that the word 'fuck,' is indeed, The Bomb.

Mum: So maybe we should make a list. Of my 50-something aged friends; the one's who could read it, the one's who can't.

Peas: Look, if they're going to find it and read it, they're going to find it and read it. All you can really mention are the truthful and necessary phrases: 'Target market', 'fiction,' 'nymphomaniac' and maybe 'not responsible for her since she left home.'

[pause]

It's not porn mum.

Mum: Fuck.

Peas: You said it.

Mum: What about [friend] who dresses like a Mormon, is heavily involved in tapestry and scones and cream are her biggest vice?

Peas: She'll be suitably appalled.

Mum:....oh but [crazy art teacher friend] can read it. She'd probably hose.

[Step father butts in:]

'You're not going to get phone calls, Doris. As in, 'Shit Doris, what is this?' You just might not hear from them...for a long time.'

Peas: Nah, mum, relax. Try reverse psychology. Hand them a signed copy on a platter and gush about the risque contents in such a fashion that they think the word 'fuck' and twentysomething copulation is completely natural. Which it is. Then ask for feedback...very enthusiastically.

Mum: Um...

Peas: Or tell them to compare it to the Jilly Cooper collection they have stashed under their beds. You know they're there.

Mum: What about the [conservative university professor friend?]

Peas: I almost want him to read it. He really needs to loosen up.

Mum: OK, and finally – what about your father?

Peas: Heavy.

There's a hard nut to crack. In our favour, his attention span is favourably limited. If my book was Tolstoy, I'd worry. Tolstoy is serious; academic. But he does have a vested interest in my book, admittedly. And there are parts that if I knew my Dad was reading, I'd need to go on sabbatical to Oman.

Mum: He's going to read it.

Peas: I'll switch my phone off for a month.

27 comments:

Gold digger said...

After reading all the above I can say only one thing... Can we pre-order it on Kalahari already? ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Gold digger - Yip, as soon as you're able to pre-order I'll definitely let you know, shouldn't be too long now, yay! :)

Nessers said...

I want my copy signed so tell me when you are doing a signing and I will come down and say hi

Peas on Toast said...

Ah yay! In person and everything! I'll pull out the fountain pen for you Nessers! x

Anonymous said...

I hope you have a good editor, Peas. Please go look up the words "prejudiced" and "clandestine". When you understand big words, you're allowed to use them.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - really? Actually I can use them whenever I bloody well like.

PS: Your father was great in bed.

Whale said...

Anonymous, I hope you have stables at your house - that way you can park your high horse.

Revolving Credit said...

So when does the book go to beta??

I really hope that your dad's not gonna try and read it while flying..although I have a sneaky suspicion...oh well.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Do you think reading a book whilst flying is more dangerous than playing on a cellphone? There has to be a case study somewhere right? ;)

Sadie said...

Will I get your book over here in 'Straya?? (Australia. Yes, our accent is disgusting). Please say yes.

Charmskool said...

Excellent pre-release promo Peas - now I can't wait to read your book - as for the old fart (I mean fogey) division - they may feel sorry for your mom for a while - what with her wayward, yet talented, daughter. Actually they'll probably just be jealous they don't have such brilliant kids.

Peas on Toast said...

Sadie - hopefully we'll gnise a way via the Intertron so that you can get the book in Straya! Could you send a copy to Kath & Kim for me at all? ;)

Charm - oh you lovely lady, you do make me blush! I believe that you're definitely one lady who wouldn't be surprised what lies within - what with your beautifully imaginative daughter yourself! Hopefully you'll have a cackle :)

Charmskool said...

Thanks for the compliment Peas - my little Bete hasn't censored anything she has said to me in her life and I have the same relationship with my mom so we will ALL be reading your book.

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - yeah I think both of you are so lucky to have that kind of mother-daughter friendship, for sure! My mum and I haven't always had that but we certainly do now - it's become more like that as I've got older. Can't hide much from my mum now, and she's generally completely accepting which is great.

Ches said...

Fhuck, Anon...

Anyway! Pea's, your book is going to be brilliant.

Everyone who knows you and reads your blog is going to be treated to some special humour and life's insight.

Fuck! I should write one of your blurbs testomonials! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Hahaha, ah Chester you little beauty - thanks my friend :)

You wanna write the forward? ;)

Ches said...

Peas, in all honesty...i'd be honored. :)

po said...

Hehe, that's hilarious, just don't think about who is reading it.

I hope I can get a copy in the Eeuw-K as well, will check out Kalahari.

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - :)

Po - Yes, I think the UK had better get copies...I mean my aunt wants one innit. ;) And you're right - just like this blog - I won't think about who is reading it...that's just scary :)

Mini said...

Pea

Fuck all this "I cant wait to order your book."..."oh peas congrats!"...(blah blah blah warawara)

As a avid fan of the blog I demand my signed copy!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - consider it done babe :)xx

Revolving Credit said...

Pssst...over here, in the corner...quiet chat.

Why's your mom so worried about what her friends may think?
Unless of course she may be incriminated??
You'd didn't mention a certain Chinese incident did you?
Just asking...

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my Gaylord. Dude the Chinese Incident of 2006 really fucked me the fuck up. No ways, China. Quite Literally.

PS: maybe she's worried that some of her mates have never heard the F-Bomb? Although even I find this hard to believe.

Revolving Credit said...

Just tell the that FUKC is the new Black!

Alya said...

How wonderful! A blogger I read is publishing a book.. yaay! Cant wait to read it..

this post was really funny! I can imagine your mom being worried about her friends reading it.. I know my mom would act just the same!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - good plan! ;)

Alya - haha bless, eh? And yeah, mum is a little worried. But it's completely universal ;)

kyknoord said...

It's unimportant what your mother's friends think about the book, as long as they buy it.