Monday, August 04, 2008

texas & north west

This weekend was a helluva lot of fun.

But a defining aspect was the fact that I met a lot of new people. This seems to happen in seldom bursts in Joburg, when usually everyone knows everyone whose interconnected to everyone and whose fucked everyone.

So it was a refreshing irregularity.

Friday was spent at a random house party with my colleagues, in Melville. At a house overlooking the Hillbrow skyline. I don't venture into parts of town anymore where I can see the Hillbrow Tower and Ponte City at close range; at least not since my smash and grab. It's quite sad. I used to be obsessed with these two buildings.

And I remember why – when I'm standing on a balcony holding a rum and coke and watching the city at night time.
Beautiful.

Sunday, Fun Guy took me out to the country for lunch. Everything's great when you're driving in a high performance ve-heecile on the open road in the scorched Magaliesberg, until you happen upon a fucking Road Impala.

And a Road Impala is a Polo Playa. They're everywhere, everyone's got one, and they're slow. Sorry.

You're cruising along, and suddenly, a Road Impala is all but slowly grazing itself along the tarmac, and it's 'Move cunt...you're fucking up my life. You're fucking up my motoring experience.'

It's amazing what you find in North West province. Here we were, driving past Sterkfontein Caves, where they found the first skulls that scientifically prove we're related to monkeys, and on the opposite side of the road it says: You Must Be Born Again.

It's one of life's many ironies:

1)The South African Bible Belt is located directly where they found skulls that completely challenge Creationism;

2)They're not advising you to be reborn, nor was it pitching or advertising the concept of being reborn. The billboard was commanding that you must be reborn, as in 'you must, now.'

So that was interesting.

(Also overheard in Greenside Spar: Renown Pork Bangers Are The Only Way To Impress Your Friends.)

The only way? Are. You. Fucking. Serious. Is this an impromptu supermarket voice over, I mean is the oke freestyling? Is it a radio journ first year trying to get his shit on?

Fuck.

But we tucked into the buffet at the place – like properly tucked in – I ate like a dude – klapped a bottle of wine, and listened to Bill Ray Cyrus on the way home, avoiding Road Impalas to the best of our ability.

Now that's how you should spend a Sunday.

Saturday was spent mostly at Decorex with my mum. Don't want to talk about it. Because it was toaster sets, Smeg fridges, chairs, tiles and fat people. Bumping past, being stood on by, and ogling shit with fat people.

I'm talking unbelievably obese people wearing strops.

In short, it was Texas.

You're going to lose your shit. It's not a theoretical possibility. It's a situational certainty.

Honestly. It's amazing I got out alive.

28 comments:

kyknoord said...

Count yourself lucky. You haven't tasted slow 'til you've been stuck behind my crapmobile on a winding mountain pass.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - no bru. We went past your car yesterday. It was going at least 30km/h faster than the Road Impala.

Word.

Vimbai said...

There was some intense tap and faucet overkill at Decorex, luckily i was spared any obese- people sightings tho :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - no, no something's wrong. For some reason I saw a lot of Corn Dog Overeaters Anonymous there, and too much of it. I'm not talking a few pounds overweight, I'm talking big, big people. You missed them??

Mini said...

Schweeeet Pea

So fun dude probably drives a German sedan?(Now dont go shitting them impalas-Not that I drive one).

Cradle of humankind( I find it hard to believe that shit!)I mean people will "market" elephant shit just to make a quik buck.(I know its a world heritage site).

(Thank God I aint fat).
You n me should promote self decor with them "ugly" people @ Decorex(I know I gotta a whole lotta style)

Mwah!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - 1) maybe. I prefer Toyota Conquests to Road Impalas. ;)

2) Elephant shit eh? Paperweights?

3) Dude it was crazy. I really walked into Corpus Christi over there. I have no idea why the demographics were so hectic!

Charmskool said...

Decorex sucks - I hate how crowded it gets and I never see anything I'd want to own. If you think Polo Playas are slow you don't want to get behind my Hyundai Atos - it does 120kph and that's that! Ok I pushed it to 130kph the other day but I feared it would take off what with it being so light 'n all. In Jozie with the thin air it would probably be gasping for breath doing 80kph.

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - I ended up buying a toaster/kettle set. It's kiff. Mint green and chrome. But buying it was a bunfight, and I almost lost. Strop lady nearly crushed me.

As for the Road Impala, it's not that it's just slow. I should've explained further. Cos my car is slow too. It's just such a GENERIC fucking car, everyone's got one and it rates 0/10 or road originality.

Jeff said...

Peas, no skulls have ever been found that prove we evolved from monkeys. Skulls have been found that prove modern humans evolved from early hominids (primitive type humans). However, the so-called missing link showing that early humans evolved from apes has in fact never been found. Just think you should be informed before you fling wild statements around. Both creationists and evolutionists are too polarised as far as I'm concerned because the truth is we've only actually proven some things.

Peas on Toast said...

Jeff - fair enough, and thank you. But am I right in saying that the possibility that we have descended directly from apes is more probable than the Adam & Eve theory?

Nessers said...

Clearly Jeff has not seen some of the men on the West Rand then heheh

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - But Vernon is everywhere! ;)

Ches said...

An early hominid sure looks like a monkey!
I think we should give it the banana test! If the hominid eats the banana, it's an effing monkey!

Early Hominid said...

Who called me a monkey? Who?

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - the Banana Test, I like it. How many should we use? 12, 24?

Early Hominid - Ches, it would appear.

Ches said...

How'd you know it was me? ;)

I can see this banana test going...pear!

Maybe just measure the pelvic bone...

Peas on Toast said...

Just for shits we can plaster the floor with banana skins and plaster the walls with foam rubber.

It's like Fruit Skating.

po said...

The name Decorex sounds like something you would use to clean your toilets or unblock your drains.

I must be out of touch with my South African shopping experience, I haven't heard of it.

Has anyone actually ever slipped on a banana skin? Early hominid?

Ches said...

Fruit Skating 101 - I see a movie opportunity here Pea's..

Peas on Toast said...

Po - haha, I've wondered the same thing, I mean I've never seen anyone slip on one, evah, and yet it seems to be a common ailment...

Decorex is an interiors tradeshow....it's better just going to the shops. Trust me.

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - I'm phoning Twakkie. I want him to the lead role. :)

Early Hominid said...

Po - No!

Now where's my banana?

Ches said...

Good good...do it!

Ask him if we can be like sub-characters?

3RM can play the video store guy?

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - haha! Can I play the sneaky bitch who plants peels in bad places?

Ches said...

As long as they're banana's!

Planting peels and bad places all sound terrible in a combination, or sentence! Ha ha ha....

Peas on Toast said...

hahahahahahahah! Quite! :)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Road Impala's??? Hhahahahahahaha!!! Oh my God -that is brilliant -you are a little beaut!
Glad you got alive! Phew! Close call Peas!
Damn!

Being Brazen said...

ha ha ha ha ha - great post