Friday, August 01, 2008

dynamite comes in small packages

So. I suppose it's just apt to mention my new little toy.
The Travel Dolphin.

I won't elaborate, but it's not like the people who read this are a bunch of blushing nuns in a monastery. Let's be honest.
So I only think it's fair, ladies, that I impart my experience of this very humble not-quite-a-dildo guy.

Because, if I'm going to be sincere - and sex and honesty should always play in the same ballpark as far as I'm concerned – this toy has completely reinvented my evenings.

When I 'leave early because I'm off to watch a DVD,' I'm not really going home to watch one, if you get my drift.

I bought this little gadget at Sex Club. And can I just comment on the lengths that technology has gone to make the vibrator market a top item on my list of hi-tech gadgetry.

Now, it doesn't look like much, (mostly similar to this picture anyhow) but don't mock the The Travel Dolphin S500 for even five and a half seconds. Because it's going to change the way you have sex with yourself for the rest of your existence.

Well at least sometimes, or before its novelty has worn off. I mean, my Bushwhacker 3 000 has been placed in a drawer – its days are over. But they were good days back in the, well, day.

Anyhoo. This little baby has four speeds settings, with added vibrating pulse. And its remote control, in the event you're washing dishes, hanging up [lethal] laundry or just zoning out to Keeping Up With The Kardashians, is certainly very handy.
Hell, the lady said I should try it in traffic. But imagine:

'Oh that thing? That's just my...travel dolphin, Mister Officer. Don't know how it ended up in my cubbyhole, dude.'

So, for the ladies out there: seriously, it really bides a lot of [amazing] time.

That's really all I'm saying. If you're under 18, you shouldn't be here. Tsak.

If you are a blushing nun from a Catholic Convent, I do hope you get laid someday, somehow. Because nothing beats the real thing, obviously. But if you really really can't, you are the target market of this post.

It's just a fun little gadget to have around sometimes. Is all.

PS: I'm off to Nelson Mandela Square this morning. It's got to do with that story I wrote this week. That you can vote for today, or not, or whatever.

27 comments:

cathjenkin said...

PEAS

WAHAAH Crying as i type this...

you could do a verimark ad on this.

"and you just pop it into your cubbyhole... tralalal"

and if you buy now, you could get one orgasm free!

IM.JUST.SAYING.

You rock my world.

Happy weekend

Peas on Toast said...

cathjenkin - why hello! Thank you :)

...well she DID throw in a tube of a lube. Which is terribly exciting :)

Happy weekend too babe!

cathjenkin said...

hello you!

a tube of lube! waah.

frik. love it.

:)

Peas on Toast said...

I'm telling you, my mates have buyer's envy. With and without the free tube of lube.
;)

cathjenkin said...

all im saying..
is that you've given me a fucking grand idea for a birthday present for someone!

Peas on Toast said...

fantastic cath! You have to spread the love, and this will certainly do it ;)

kyknoord said...

Are you taking the Dolphin with you? I wonder how the Whale feels about it - being related and all? (and of course I'll be voting for you).

Peas on Toast said...

kyk - I love you :)

Oh and Whale says 'he has nothing against toys...and that he has the biggest dick in the ocean.'

His words, not mine. ;)

Charmskool said...

Oooh I also want one of those - I wonder where I can buy one here? I trust all your consumer advisories. Of course I'm voting for you (btw what is a pedalstall and why would you put an axe murderer on it? See I did read every word).

Mini said...

I dunno if the guys are embarresed to comment on this topic or what but anyway I aint.

Pea tell the dildo lady I wana market my own one "Buzz Lightyear!"(TM)( to infinite and beyond)

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas

Although I voted for your story which is leaps and bounds better than the others - the ending... come on dude - what kind? There are numerous words I can colourfully use to tell you what I really thought but I'll leave you with one: DISAPPOINTING

Sam

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - thanks my dear! Ag, axe murderers need there own shelf placement. ;)

Mini - the Buzz Lightyear, niiice!

Sam - Good think I'm not trying to please everyone, eh? But thanks for your comment anyway.

Revolving Credit said...

After years worth of loyal & dedicated service, the Bushwhacker gets placed in the drawer??

Shouldn't it be framed and mounted on the wall, or at very least, placed in the drawer on a velvet cushion?

It's been a close personal friend who truly knows you inside and out!

Peas on Toast said...

Revvers you're so right. I feel bad. I've tossed him aside like an old afghan, he doesn't deserve that.

It's like Buzz Lightyear has entered [my] building, and Woody is no longer that cool.

I hang my head in shame.

Revolving Credit said...

To infinity, and beyond!

DT said...

Cool - very useful information here! I wasn't sure how I was going to approach people about which friend to buy - you have saved me hours of situational analysis!
I enjoyed your story Peas - but the ending did kind of frustrate the hell outta me! I kept hoping that 'THE END' was a missprint, I am sad it is over! ;-)

Have a great weekend!

Peas on Toast said...

DT - Yeah don't look back! This little puppy is the shi-shiznik. :)

As for the ending, yeah. It frustrated even me :)

daisyfae said...

what's with the "animal" theme? my rabbit is jealous of your travel dolphin. The "Beefy Badger"? relegated to a piece of old luggage in the closet...

but um... yeah.... i don't leave the house for a week with the acquistion of a new "pet"...

Peas on Toast said...

daisy - that's exactly what someone mentioned at Sex Club - like the whole animal theme, and it's actually a bit miff. You know, like animals and sex, especially 'cutesy' ones like dolphins and rabbits....like why do they choose creatures?
Aren't new 'pets' such fun though? ;)

Anonymous said...

Peas! Avid reader, you rock my world and make the grey days a bit brighter... and on the happy days the sunny sun shines through and I ROFL at your sparkling wit!

Just wanted to say am DEFINITELY voting for your 'Can you Twist' story, it's fantastic! and the chalk drawing! Surely you didn't do that? So many talents! ;)

Um... final thing... your name isn't REALLY Laurian Clemence?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - firstly, thanks so much for your sparkling comment. :)

And yes I am THE Laurian Clemence.
ha ha ;)

Shit, that's possibly the first time I've ever written it out on here. Oh well :)

PS: The chalk drawing is brilliant - done by professionals of course!

joe said...

I've been reading, but haven't commented in a long time :-)

Just thought I'd congratulate you on "coming out" of the anonymousness... was wondering how long you could last!

Luckily I managed to use my super-sleuthing and track you down on facebook long ago :-)

Anonymous said...

Dude, I've totally got the dolphin but yours is well, tossing around one less ball, which is the whole show baby! Me thinks you were shnnyed. Oh and, mazeltov on *coming out* xo

Anonymous said...

What? Your name isn't really Peas?!?

Peas on Toast said...

Joe - bless! I figured my friends and family know who I am anyway, and with my book coming, it's going to happen. Thanks for dropping by! ;)

Anon - what do you mean, yours has two balls?? Show me! Now!

Anon2 - yeah, crazy hey? Although I do prefer Peas on my blog, since, well it just fits better somehow :)

zodiac said...

Wow! Your story on Can you Twist is AMAZING!! It was great finally seeing who Peas really is! Been reading your blog for a while just thought to comment this time. Great story!!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Zodiac! xx