dear the allen carr clinic people,

You guys gave me your business card and said to contact you if I was having a wobbly without my cigarettes.
I'm not wobbling to the point of fatal distraction, I mean I'm alive aren't I?

I mean, I'm not calling your private cellphone – it is 10:30pm – but I really do need to email you.

Jesus fuck. Excuse the blasphemy, but then you put me in this position, so you gotta take what you give.

You guys are amazing in that I understand the Nicotine Trap that you talk about, and that you say it takes three proper weeks for the nicotine to go away. I also get the whole re-programming of my mind when it comes to the Truth About Nicotine and stuff. We went through it ad infinitum – 6 hours to be exact - so really, I grasp the concept.

But it doesn't make my constant wanting and sub-subconscious looking-for-something go away. I know you don't do miracles, but you do offer a money-back guarantee. It's been 11 days and I'm not quite at the 'overwhelmingly elated' phase yet.

And socially, God it's a pain.

Small talk is so much better with a fucking Marlboro Light. And you know it.

I get the part where you say I should be happy to be 'free!' and 'healthy!' and 'energetic!' and 'confident!' and yadda yadda.

Make no mistake, I won't smoke again.
I mean that. I will not smoke another cigarette, mainly because the ritual of this whole process just gets too much.

I'd rather never have to go through quitting again. And taking a day off work for a Quit Clinic means I can't really go back on my word.
It'll make me seem weak.

But I'm fucking miserable sometimes. Fuck! I am leaving parties at 11:00pm, do you realise how detrimental this is? Fuck, on Saturday or Friday last week, I didn't even go out! You said I need to continue my normal life: “I haven't stopped life, I've stopped smoking.”

So I go out, and at times get an almost insatiable urge to chew my chair leg off.

Of course I'm eternally grateful the next morning that I don't feel the hangover (Magic! No hangovers. Now that is nice.) And I love that I will taste lovely, [albeit like dentures. Wow] and I love that my signature perfume smells amazing on me All. Night. Long.

But I'm also eating, motherfuckers.

You little buggers said, 'Oh just watch what you eat for 3 weeks.' Yeah easier said than done, jeeezuz.
How do you explain that once I'd smoked my last cigarette, I'd suddenly grow three extra stomachs?! Fuck, frankly.

I just want to eat and eat and eat. I'm trying hard to hold back, and luckily I'm not yet stuffing eight pies into my face.

So it's not a desperate situation as yet, but God help me if I don't feel hungry and cravey for a smoke at the same time?! It's not exactly the most comfortable feeling, as again I'm sure you know.
You just don't know what to do with yourself, which is driving me up the fucking tree.

Anyway enough bitching. I'm just saying Allen Carr's method is good in that out of pride, I won't smoke again.

I'm just saying.

But I am still very much missing my cigarettes, when I believe the idea was to make me 'elated and joyous' that I wasn't a smoker anymore and not miss my cigarettes.

I suspect your statistics of a 99% success rate has also got something to do with me maybe not ever smoking again. I definitely do NOT want to be the only 1% that fails.
Clever marketing – that's a sure tactic to put the fear of failure into us. Good work.

But hell's teeth. Tell me how to get rid of this empty-something's-fucking-missing-christ-my-mouth-tastes-like-bleach-God-
I'm-stressed-a-cigarette-would-really-be-the-shizzle-right-now.

But I get your logic, and I won't pine for a cigarette, because I am free and will not feed my little monster. The theory is spot on.

BUT IN PRACTICE? Maybe I'm just having a bad day. It's Monday after all.

If you could just send me the class notes again so that I can find the answer to this, that would be great.

Yours urgently,
Peas On Toast.

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