Tuesday, September 30, 2008

dear the allen carr clinic people,

You guys gave me your business card and said to contact you if I was having a wobbly without my cigarettes.
I'm not wobbling to the point of fatal distraction, I mean I'm alive aren't I?

I mean, I'm not calling your private cellphone – it is 10:30pm – but I really do need to email you.

Jesus fuck. Excuse the blasphemy, but then you put me in this position, so you gotta take what you give.

You guys are amazing in that I understand the Nicotine Trap that you talk about, and that you say it takes three proper weeks for the nicotine to go away. I also get the whole re-programming of my mind when it comes to the Truth About Nicotine and stuff. We went through it ad infinitum – 6 hours to be exact - so really, I grasp the concept.

But it doesn't make my constant wanting and sub-subconscious looking-for-something go away. I know you don't do miracles, but you do offer a money-back guarantee. It's been 11 days and I'm not quite at the 'overwhelmingly elated' phase yet.

And socially, God it's a pain.

Small talk is so much better with a fucking Marlboro Light. And you know it.

I get the part where you say I should be happy to be 'free!' and 'healthy!' and 'energetic!' and 'confident!' and yadda yadda.

Make no mistake, I won't smoke again.
I mean that. I will not smoke another cigarette, mainly because the ritual of this whole process just gets too much.

I'd rather never have to go through quitting again. And taking a day off work for a Quit Clinic means I can't really go back on my word.
It'll make me seem weak.

But I'm fucking miserable sometimes. Fuck! I am leaving parties at 11:00pm, do you realise how detrimental this is? Fuck, on Saturday or Friday last week, I didn't even go out! You said I need to continue my normal life: “I haven't stopped life, I've stopped smoking.”

So I go out, and at times get an almost insatiable urge to chew my chair leg off.

Of course I'm eternally grateful the next morning that I don't feel the hangover (Magic! No hangovers. Now that is nice.) And I love that I will taste lovely, [albeit like dentures. Wow] and I love that my signature perfume smells amazing on me All. Night. Long.

But I'm also eating, motherfuckers.

You little buggers said, 'Oh just watch what you eat for 3 weeks.' Yeah easier said than done, jeeezuz.
How do you explain that once I'd smoked my last cigarette, I'd suddenly grow three extra stomachs?! Fuck, frankly.

I just want to eat and eat and eat. I'm trying hard to hold back, and luckily I'm not yet stuffing eight pies into my face.

So it's not a desperate situation as yet, but God help me if I don't feel hungry and cravey for a smoke at the same time?! It's not exactly the most comfortable feeling, as again I'm sure you know.
You just don't know what to do with yourself, which is driving me up the fucking tree.

Anyway enough bitching. I'm just saying Allen Carr's method is good in that out of pride, I won't smoke again.

I'm just saying.

But I am still very much missing my cigarettes, when I believe the idea was to make me 'elated and joyous' that I wasn't a smoker anymore and not miss my cigarettes.

I suspect your statistics of a 99% success rate has also got something to do with me maybe not ever smoking again. I definitely do NOT want to be the only 1% that fails.
Clever marketing – that's a sure tactic to put the fear of failure into us. Good work.

But hell's teeth. Tell me how to get rid of this empty-something's-fucking-missing-christ-my-mouth-tastes-like-bleach-God-

But I get your logic, and I won't pine for a cigarette, because I am free and will not feed my little monster. The theory is spot on.

BUT IN PRACTICE? Maybe I'm just having a bad day. It's Monday after all.

If you could just send me the class notes again so that I can find the answer to this, that would be great.

Yours urgently,
Peas On Toast.



Nessers said...

Stick with it Peas you are doing so well.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Nessers. And I shall. I won't smoke.


I feel like I'm living a half life right now.


Vimbai said...

Awww Peas, i am so proud of you!

Just hang in there, sounds like you are going through some serious cold turkey phase!

I am rooting for you! Go Team Peas!

Nessers said...

I have never smoked so I can't know for sure but I am sure it is like when you break up with someone - you think that pain will never go away and eventually you learn to live without them

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - thanks my love. It's weird because I'm seriously ok, and this time the quitting has been better than the other times.

But fuck sometimes I'm just like, 'Will I EVER feel normal again?'

Nessers- true. At least I hope it's true. Cigarettes were the love of my life...

boldly benny said...

You will feel normal again. Smoking is not part of who you are, it was just a habit.

I understand the feeling of something missing - I smoked for 10 years and then gave up. I didn't think I'd ever quit, I LOVED smoking. I loved that my friends always knew that at a dinner I'd have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc in one hand and a smoke in the other. And I didn't think I could ever drink tequila without chasing it with a drag of a cigarette.

Going out without cigarettes was my absolute fucking worse. But two years down the line and I can't even imagine myself smoking! You'll get there; just take it one step at a time. I promise what you're feeling is totally normal, and soon you'll find your groove again.

Peas on Toast said...

Benny, thanks so much. I know you understand because you've been a smoker. I really believe only smokers when it comes to this stuff because they know what an awful craving feels like.

It's cold turkey from a drug addiction, that's exactly what it is.

Just answer this though: WILL IT TAKE ME TWO YEARS TO FEEL NORMAL?? Please say no. Please say it'll only take a few weeks. Please. PLEASE!

boldly benny said...

No it'll take way less than two years! I'm just saying that in hindsight I can't imagine myself smoking and prior to giving up I didn't want to give up!

Peas on Toast said...

Benny - oh THANK GOD.

Jesus, I nearly had an aneurysm there...

Phew. What a close call.

Lou said...

ha ha. So know what you're going through. Remember when they stand in front of the group and smugly claim that there are no side effects of stopping smoking? That is not entirely true... ever heard of cigarettes referred to as the nicotine laxative? Let's just say that a bag of prunes a day did sweet f*ck all!

Anyway, strongly recommend that you go to the follow up sessions. They REALLY help. Plus you don't get your refund if you haven't attended them. Read the small print!

Jam said...

3 1/2 weeks post attending ALan Carr clinic:
I woke up this morning and DIDN'T think about cigarettes. I am wrestling my eating disorder back into an order. And drinking a SHIT LOAD of water because this helps. A lot.
I don't miss it. It smelt, it made me cough, it made me into a boring slug.
You're doing great, it gets easier. Drink water...and you will have an epiphonous moment.
PS What is it you're missing or that you think you've "given up"?

Miss T said...

My friend got told yesterday she had to quit. She told the doctor not to worry that she was going to do something like Allen Carr. He said ..."Just stop now...you will have cancer in a year if you don't". Hows that for motivation!

Lassie keep at it...as crappy as it feels..you are succeeding!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks guys.

Jam said...

Peas - that's also what the water is for - more drinking water = more toilet breaks = more me time....hehe...

Aunty Helpful Dictator said...

go peas, you can do it.

I think that also you could start a campaign for non-smokers to get little "me breaks", and go for a little walk or something.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam am taking your advice and chugging the water! I'm just peeing a lot though......god I hate that! ;)

Aunty - we need a candt floss amchine around here. That'll give me some fun me time. Who do I need to blow to get a candy floss machine here?

po said...

Oh no! More blowing.

But I am saying nothing cos last time I did it ended up being all about threesomes and stuff, which I know nothing about. I am an innocent sweet girl. Like candy floss.

Peas on Toast said...

po - seriously, who do I need to blow?


DT said...

Oh Shame dear Peas - I can just imagine the torment! I am reading your every word with baited breath. I was sooooo close to doing the Alan Carr clinic but managed to find a thousand reasons to postpone. If you can do it, I am sure I can!

Peas on Toast said...

Hello DT!

Ah man, I also postponed Allan Carr for about 2 years m'dear. I finally just picked up the phone and booked before I could think it through too much or change my mind....

Have a smoke for me. PLEASE! ;)