Monday, September 29, 2008

french coffee & coladas

Me and Dove nearly got kicked out of Tasha's yesterday.

I was drinking Hawaiian Coladas, and Dove went an ordered an ice coffee. The Hawaiian Coladas were going down like homesick moles; and Dove is allergic, if not dangerously, to coffee.

See, the point of this weekend was pure, basic indulgent European-like hedonism.

I'm pining for some time in France at the moment. To top it off, I'm reading about France currently, through the medium of a fabulous new book.

The book is only exacerbating the feeling of unease and loneliness.

So in light of this, the weekend consisted of: Reading my book at a busy café with ginormous sunglasses on [Like Catherine deNeuve]; Champagne with Klo. On her balcony [Champagne is from France...and balconies are very frou frou]; Massage and facial [with my amazing friend Dockers]; French finger foods.

Indulgent European-like hedonism duly came to fruition. In between seeing my best friends, in order to enact some of my European rituals with other people.

Tasha's. Atholl Square. Yesterday.

Peas: What the fuck are you doing?

Dove: Putting sugar into my coffee, fuckface.

Peas: Are you fucking crazy, you nutsack? Jesus, give me that. Now. You know what happens when you drink coffee. God.

[she takes a few sips]

Dove: Oh Jesus, it feels like I just did 7 grams of coke.

Peas: Cry me a fucking river. Live with it.

By now I'd klapped two coladas, and although it wasn't Frenchie-Wenchie cognac, it certainly did the trick out in the sun.

Peas: [Leaning to next table, holding up the frappuccino] Hey there Mister? Do you want this?

Bald dude: What?

Peas: I said do you want this? My retarded friend thought it would be funny to get completely fucked up on coffee, and now she's bouncing everywhere and, well, maybe you want the rest?

Bald dude: Yeah....sure, ok.

Dove: She just got released from a mental asylum. Give me my coffee back, asshole.

Peas: Please excuse her, it's the coffee talking.

Bald dude: You two alright?

Dove: [Leaning forward whispering to me] Dude.
He's staring at us and not stopping and I think the waiter just went into the restaurant and informed everyone that we've escaped from a mental asylum and I'm not feeling so good and I also can't stop talking and oh my Christ he's staring at me I think I'm going to flip out.

Peas: Fucking pipe down and focus on the salt and pepper shakers. you think paedophiles live in Paris as much as they do in Belgium?

Dove: Jesus. Keep the kiddie-fiddler talk down. Now they really think we're crazy.

Peas: Dude. If you ever drink coffee near me again in order to get caffeined up to the eyeballs, I'll chop you up into little pieces...and feed you to the dogs.

Waiter:...uh, can I take your order?

Peas: The biggest piece of seared Norwegian salmon you have, please.

Waiter: How would you like that?

Peas: OK listen here Mister, and listen carefully. Don't fuck this up for me. I'd like the full-on seared Norwegian salmon, medium rare. With all the Norwegian trimmings.

I want it so that the middle is completely rare and the fish flakes off like little raw rose petals, served with a ladle of garlic. You got that?

Dove: Sorry, she just got out of a mental asylum yesterday.

Peas: Do you mind? Get your shit together. Get. Your. Shit. Together.

Waiter: Can I ask you to keep it down? The other table left because they complained that you two were talking about sexually explicit material rather loudly.

Dove: Sorry she just escaped from a mental asylum, it wasn't me.

Peas: Sorry my friend here is on drugs. Ignore her. God I love you.

Dove: I fucking love you too. PS: I bought a hip hop tracksuit.
It's BognorRegistastic.

Chester and I have decided to start hip hop classes together.
After only dreaming about it for the last fucking century, finally, it's going to happen:

I'm going to dance like Britney Spears.


I am going to become Jennifer Lopez. Oh my GOD, they're going to teach me how to freestyle like Justin Trousersnake.

Although I have a sneaky suspicion that Ches has a fuckload more rhythm than I do.
I suppose I could always impress the instructor with my flawless version of the Greek Zorba Dance. (“I was team leader you know.”)

Once we have the moves perfectly, all of our friends are going to want to be Chester and I.

We'll be namedropped at flashy events and business lunches.

I'm going to do the splits and not instantly snap my tendons in half.

We'll be hired to entertain the masses at parties.

Dr Dre is going to be my muse.

Fuck yes.


Ches said...

We're going to need a PR Agent! I have this feeling!

They're going to ask us to dance at the cricket...

Nessers said...

I have to ask - Why HipHop of all genres?

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - I have an agent in mind. He's also doing my book ;)


Nessers - cos it's AMAZING?!

Miss T said...

yo yo peas wassup! I dig your new moves!

You'll be snapping and popping in no time

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Miss T.

Shit I hope I don't break anything.

Breakdancing brings on a whole new meaning now...

Billy said...

Voddies in the water cooler this morning?

po said...

Waha, coffee, salmon, hiphop, paedophiles. What a combination. I have a friend who dances for the Sharks, maybe she can hook you up, a bit of a commute though.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - ahahahahahahahahahahaha

Q: What's brown and ryhmes with Snoop?
A: Dr Dre


Po - DUDE, I WANNA BE A SHARKS GIRL, I WANNA BE A SHARKS GIRL! Or one of those Pro20 cricket girls!! where do I audition, who do I have to blow??

po said...

I'ts not who you know it's who you blow?

Peas on Toast said...

Po - yes. So answer my question - who do I need to blow to get to be one of those cheerleader hip hop dancers?

Peas on Toast said...

Ali Bacher?

po said...

Goodness is he still around? All I know is my friend and she is a lady, so probably not much good.

Besides there will be no need, your moves alone will win them over, don't know if Ches will fit the uniforms though...

Luc(ifer) said...

i eat my peas with honey,
i've done it all my life,
it makes the peas taste funny,
but it sticks them to my knife.

Peas on Toast said...

po - ches in those uniforms...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA OH man, oh man [wiping away tears of mirth]

lucifer - hahahaha, hello mein little e-buddy. ;)

And how is Brussels today? Full of paedophiles or not?

Peas on Toast said...

PS: Cool trick.

Luc(ifer) said...

you like?

I think the world was a safer place this morning, but its getting it overcast now.

Won't somebody think of the children?! or is that part of the problem?

chocky anyone?

Peas on Toast said...

Lucifer - shit dude, it's getting cloudy! And the mannkin pis is looking ESPECIALLY Blegina today.

Fuck, lock up your children!

(Hey want some candy?)

Peas on Toast said...

I meant BELGIAN.

Just whatever you do, don't have an identity crisis. Because we know what happens when Belgians have those.

Ches said...

I would have a problem hiding my braai pack in one of those Shark girl outfits yes!

Speaking of children, imagine the shock horror of seeing Ches's meat and vege poking out the side of a pair of hot pants?!

What would my mummy think???

Peas on Toast said...

Ches, seeing your meat and veg poke out of ANYTHING would be traumatic babe.

But I gotta say: I'd pay money to see you try and fit your braaipack into one of those Pro20 outfits.

Who do I need to blow to get you on the team?

Ches said...

Peas, I wouldn't dare waste your blow breath as it would take half a bottle of Tequilas, and a blow from Jessica Alba herself to get me up and dance in front of the Wanderes! :)

po said...

Ches it is freaky that you say that cos my Sharks friend happens to look like a cross between Jessica Alba and Natalie Portman. But, um I'm not pimping her out to you or anything.

Peas on Toast said...

Jeez, that IS freaky. Chester what the fuck are you waiting for man?

No one needs to blow anybody, you're in!

Ches said...

Po, you having a laugh?

Peas on Toast said...

Po - this sounds EXACTLY the t=suitable type of womanski you should be introducing to Chester.
According to his blog today, he's looking for someone to settle down with. This one seems apt.

po said...

Ches, nah my friend is stunning, hence why she gets to dance for the sharks. She is clever too with a masters and runs her own business. Hang on am I running a dating service on Peas blog?

Peas on Toast said...

Holy fuck Po, can I DATE HER?

po said...

Aw, I thought she was single but according to Facebook she is not so bummer to you guys.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah shucks. I would've swung both ways for her.

Oh well.

Ches said...

Geez log onto facebook for 5 minutes and Peas tries to steal a Jessica Alba/Natalie Portman look alike from right under my nose!

Peas on Toast said...

All's fair game Ches! Just because I have a poenani doesn't mean you're better off than me bugger!

Ches said...

Could always organise a threeway...2 poenani's are better than one! ;)

Ches said...

PS. Po, no offence to your friend. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - that would be weird though.

Ches said...

How so?

po said...

guys if you ever need a plan B, I am up for it, although I don't look anything like Jessica Alba, more like her ugly stepsister. I am however in possession of 1 X poenani.

po said...

Thank god I am safely in the UK and you can never take me up on this :)

Peas on Toast said...

po - NEVER say never! ;)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

You suck. The one Sunday I won't go to Tasha's, you happen to be there. :-(
Man, I would have LUUUURVED to see you two carrying on like that!! Man, if I'd been there, I would have created such a scene -just for shits and giggles!!
Nah - I wouldn't have. Or....... would I??

I did Hip Hop Dancing - it was the best ever...but being in the "BEGINNERS CLASS" meant literally that. I was the only +20 year old in a class of 8 year old ankle biters!
Awesome that!

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - no ways! 8 year olds? HAHAHAHA
You reckon thats where Ches and I are going to be placed? ('Peado's Class?')Fuck! :)

Damn and now we aren't ALLOWED into Tashas! Fuck!