Wednesday, October 15, 2008

israelites on e & other strange coincidences

Did I schvitz in dancing class last night.
Fuck. You try doing a John Travolta in 31 degrees. I finally got some of the moves last night – finally made it onto the Saturday Night Feverwagon.

I didn't even have a camel toe, which Chester reminded me I might have if I wore cycling shorts to the next lesson.

What a fucking picture.

So I'm going to Israel next month. For business. Tel Aviv. I'm rather excited about this.
Just before I got humped by Oliver the giant canine over the weekend – I was told that Tel Aviv is a party city. It pumps endlessly apparently.

Who knew?

And a colleague said in passing the other day that two of the world's most aggressive men are Brazilians and Israelis.

Where Peas is going. Alone.
Where men are men and sheep are scared.
Brazil and Israel. But I'm a brave sort of bird. I mean, I'm a pirate aren't I.
Hairy, aggro men don't scare me. I scare hairy, aggro men. I just have to scream something semi-obscene like 'Suck on my nutsack!' and they should get intimidated enough to run away.

Am terrified but in that 'Oh, I'm just so terrified because it's going to build me fuckloads of character!' way.
My headspace isn't anywhere near Johannesburg anymore, so overseas travel excites me no-end.

I have it on good authority that the Israelis party up a hurricane there, and to an insane degree.
Many reasons for this maybe, one being that there hasn't been peace there since 1948. Crazy war stress means the more letting down of hair. The second is that they live in the Holy Land - so they sin now and get forgiveness later. By default.

A quagmire of sin. Fantastic news.

The first criterion worries me only slightly. I feel very 'Woman on the Western Front,' going to a war torn country. I just hope I don't witness/am remotely near anything regarding the words 'suicide' and 'bomber.' Fuck please no. My book comes out end of November. I can't die before that. Seriously.

But I'm stokahontas. Because going to the Holy Land – for work or play – is an unbelievable privilege.
The Holy Land. Where Jesus did the rounds, turning water into wine. Hayzoos knew how to party, by the sounds of things.

But. Must remember to not blaspheme, not tell inappropriate jokes, not say 'Fuck' as much as possible, wear appropriate attire, be conservative, and not negatively provoke anything with a penis.

Must not speak. Must only observe. Must not be Peas basically.

Like I have ever been able to pull that off. I spend my life pulling feet out of my mouth.
[Sighs and shrugs] Whatareyougonnado?


icepick said...

Israel sounds kewl!

Reminds me of that Zohan movie with Adam Sandler. All them stereotypes:

Excessive amounts of hummus with anything, constant rivalry with Palestinians , *disco disco*, selling of electronics..

That film had me in tears.

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - shit I haven't actually seen that movie yet - perhaps I should?? Should give me insight into the ranges of hummus at any rate!

Pretty excited. As Israel was never a holiday choice for me, this is a really kiff bonus - to see the place.

Mini said...


Just got back from there in July this year.The women are like supemodels there yet down to earth(well alot of them atleast)

As for the guys I reckon you probably would have had more fun in the Greek Isles.

Just dont talk politics and religion and you sould be fine.

As for worrying about dying there, dont be scared.Just be patient at the border controls as that can be incredibly frustrating!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - hectic, so you've been there too?

Border controls - you mean the airport right?

As for earthly women supermodels, they intimidate me not. I'll just break into song - and with a voice like a nightingale - I'll have those hairy aggro men eating out of my hands.

Hahaha, maybe not.

And religion and politics are best to be avoided in all places, so I'm with you there!

kyknoord said...

Be sure to tell us what the Israeli wax is like.

icepick said...

It caters for Sandlers fans bigtime. And will be well funny if you enjoy stupidity like Anchorman.

Peas on Toast said...

kyk - I'd rather tell you what Israeli...cheese? is like. To be honest. :)

Icepick - Huge Anchorman fan. I'll give it a whirl. For humour and Israeli edumacashun alone. ;)

Mini said...

Yup border controls are meant to be borders and airports.

Haven't been to Tel Aviv but I hear that the people there are big party poopers.(Been to Jerusalem,Jericho-The oldest city n the world and Hebron...couldnt go to Bethlehem coz of some trouble thre)

With your bubbly personality I am sure you will get them to eat outa your hands(Ok you not fat n ugly,I meant the good looks

Don't waste your time with the dead sea as I reckon its a beeeg marketing hoax(Remind me oneday to tell you of the story of Noah that relates to the dead sea)

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - I only have three/four days there and during the day I'll be working, so I can only really explore Tel Aviv, and only at night...

I heard they go absolutely mental though, at night. Perhaps if I don a fake moustache I'll be safe.

Heard the men are, also besides aggro, extremely good looking. Heard this from a number of sources. So that's pretty exciting. I don't mind if they wear gold chains.

mylifescape said...

i love your blog:

thought this would be fun:

you've been tagged:

Peas on Toast said...

thanks mylifescape!

I'll go and check it out...right now!

Miss T said...

I promise you Peas....the men are hot...very sexy :)

Peas on Toast said...

Miss T - that is a very promising bit of news lassie!

Yay! :)