Friday, October 17, 2008

would you rather

The Dove and I played a game over Skype yesterday.
You should try it. Kills an entire afternoon.

Dove:
Would you rather sit in a white room, no aircon, no music.
With [the names of 2 blonde fuckwits we know] for 3 whole days.
Limited to conversation about the size of the rocks they want on their fingers.
Their boyfriends' golf scores.
And how annoying it is when you're ‘stuck in the elevator on the 58th floor of Investec with your boss.'

Or would you rather…. run through the Kalahari, mid summer, 45km's, in a wet suit, a balaclava, ear muffs, skiing gloves, thermals, and weights attached to your feet, chewing snuff tobacco, no water, with pieces of meat attached to your legs.
And a pack of wild dogs behind you, listening to Leanne Rimes full blast.

And when you get to the end - if you're not mauled to shit - you have to have a photoshoot on a sand dune, which will be printed on every billboard in the country, and, needless to say, you're looking a little ruffled.

Peas:
Depends. Is cellulite the new black? I'd still prefer option two. Stuck in a room with those two birds would kill me. I'd surely die.

Dove:
…also, while you're running, someone's holding a television screen in front of you with a repetitive image of [Blonde 1] and [Blonde 2] painting their nails and discussing the cracks on the pavement at George's on 4th.

Peas:
OK. Would you rather….be nailed to a chair while you have to repeatedly photocopy 1200 copies of a goat’s doetpipe over and over again while listening to Bonny’s Best Buys on amplified stereo.
While a syphilis-infested yak humps at your leg and ejaculates on your handbag.
.....Oh. Wait.

....And then when you have finished photostatting a thousand pictures of a goat's doetpipe, you have to run through the streets of Pamploma while sex starved bulls try to impregnate you.
But you can't run because someone has emptied 4 litres of super glue onto the road.
So you have 5 bulls all shagging you at once while you are stuck in a Running Man stance.
And then you grow a penis on your face.

Dove:
… but wait, aren’t the bulls stuck too?

Peas:
Would you rather shnarff 7 000 grams of powdered buck droppings,
Or have 6 kgs of crude oil poured down your ear?

Dove:
Either way I'm dead as disco, so I reckon the crude oil.

Peas:
Would you rather dance like a caucasian or fuck like a wild pig?

Dove:
Well, how does a wild pig fuck?

Peas:
Like a wild pig.

Dove:
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Peas:
I'm thinking it's about as bad as a white person's rhythm.

Dove:
Would you rather knit cashmere sweaters for the rest of your life
or knit cashmere undies for the rest of your life?

Peas:
I'd rather knit the undies. 'Cos it's a niche market.
People knit sweaters all the time.
Undies - Not so much.

Dove:
Would you rather enter a spelling bee competition in the north of America, or enter a karaoke competition in the deep south of America?
The spelling bee is three days long.
The karaoke is in a packed and uncomfortable caravan.
Hosted by rednecks with names like Cody and Beulah.
The spelling bee is hosted by the proud mother of a retard.

Peas:
Would you rather suck on the left testicle of a very hairy man

Dove:
Wait! Is he Spanish?

Peas:
....Or would you rather suck on the right testicle of a man who just dipped his scrotum in suncream. No he's not Spanish.
He's half ape-half human.
And his testicles are huge. Like mini hot air balloons.

Dove:
Is the suncream ok to eat?
Is there a tap nearby?
And is there a great difference between a left and right testicle?

Peas:
Let's say his right testicle is so large, you need to dislocate your jaw in order to suck on it. You'll need maxillo-facial surgery thereafter.

Dove:
OK they both suck. I'd rather die.
....Would you rather witness necrophilia in Norway?
....Or paedophilia in Poland?

Peas:
...Or fucking in Finland?

21 comments:

Tay said...

Whaaa haaaa - Kak funny!!

Peas on Toast said...

Tay - wahahaha thanks!

We try.

:)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

For the record...the 2 blonde fuckwits Peas is speaking about is NOT...REPEAT...NOT THE BLONDE BLOGSHELL

I only discuss WHEN I'm going to get a rock on the finger.
My boyfriend doesn't play golf and I don't work in a building with 58 floors.

Just saying. Clearing up any confusion. ;-)

Oh wait...maybe I AM one of those blondes, seeing as I totally made this comment all about me.
Wahahahaha

You and Dove sound hilarious...

kyknoord said...

Interesting. My boss had a good one the other day: "Would you prefer to stop fucking around and do some work, or would you like all the leisure time in the world while you starve to death?"

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - and you don't discuss the cracks of the pavement outside George's on 4th whilst painting your nails. :)

No china, they certainly aren't you. You have a brain on your shoulders, they have a vacuous ball filled with air.

Seriously.

Love you long time xxx

Kyk - And?? AND? What did you choose?

(PS: You wouldn't starve! You could...go HUNTING, or berry picking...or eat sand.)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Hmmm, but....does talking about cracks in nail polish defeat everything??

Seriously? Cracks on 4th street?
The depth of conversation must be utteruly enthralling -how do you cope?
AND...why have we not heard more "interesting" stories about these two "Spell IQ" girls?

Peas on Toast said...

Well Blondie, they might read this blog.
And although they're dumber than a bag full of testicles, I'm not out to cause harm.

Although....you're right. Perhaps I should fill you in on what these girls get up to. I see them occasionally, as they hang out on the peripheries of my friendship circles. The periphery is getting wider.

And there are more than 2 - there's a gang of them. And it's fucking scary.

Anonymous said...

Feck, blondes like that scare me. Used to date one. Past tense is important here

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - Try being replaced by one ;)

Kidding kidding. Look the good news is you're out of the woods china. You've seen the light and you've hopefully come out relatively unscathed. Just check that your IQ hasn't dropped a few notches - I've heard this happens, as a rub-off effect.

But hopefully like the History Channel...it's all in the past.

thatdamnjoe said...

"replaced by one"!

Eish

I'm not so sure I got out unscathed, I sometimes listen to 80's mixtapes and wake up in the morning not rememberign how I got where I am.

Aslo, I picked up this annoying typign dysleixa.

Peas on Toast said...

hahaha

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH 80S MIXTAPES MAN. NOTHING.

However the typing dyslexia looks a little more serious...

thatdamnjoe said...

Its not the mixtapes that are bothering me, its the memory loss. 80's nights rule -once attended a 80's revival party in a basement club just across the street from the Louvre. I still get flashbacks

Mini said...

Pea

On Bonny's best buys-Remember SPUTNIK?....The DIY washing machine.

You and Dove are kuk funny!.(If only all people could be less serious sometimes,the world will be a better place especially here in JHB)

mylifescape said...

TOO FUNNY!!! hahahaa... i'm trying hard not to laugh, as pretending to work on a friday morning is difficult enough sometimes... and i would never be laughing like this about work! hahahahaa

Anonymous said...

Thank God for that post. I forgot why your blog what on my list of favourites and almost left it there until I read this. Rest assured that you've been swiftly deleted.

So long. You suck.

Ches said...

Anon - Your mother was one of my favorites, but I deleted her from my phone book last night...she sucked too, so soooo long!

Mini said...

Anon same for your sis!

tyrone said...

Peas!

Roseboys...

O.M.G...

I've lost my voice along with my rep...

That bar counter is soooooo nice to dance on!

:-)

Peas on Toast said...

cHES - wahahahahahahah! Classic! You're still my favourite m8, m8 :)

Joe - fair enough. Maybe she sucked your brain out with one of those domestic toilet pumps? Shit, hope you get better soon my dear.

Mini - oh beautiful! teee heee!

Tyrone - will we be seeing you there tonight big guy? It's a hose hey?

Ant said...

Haha I think I'm gonna try pose those questions on this: http://www.postieposts.blogspot.com/

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - I love your blog! What a frigging awesome idea, you have a new fan :)