1) According to the E! True Hollywood Story, Amy Winehouse was born on my birthday, 14 September. Hectic. “When Virgo's go wrong.” This must be the only story of the history of the planet where a Virgo went awry. Ever.
2) I have carpet burn. A roastie. From pilates.
3) Mini Me has a sex video. No seriously. Get a load of the tongue action. But have a bucket handy.
4) Crazy day at work. Am geeked out. Was thinking how great it would be to be a CEO and write a company email – purely because I could and nobody could stop me – like this:
Attention: All Staff
It has come to my attention that out of the 3468 employees of this organisation, HR has informed me that in fact there are 3469 on payroll.
Would "Joe Ballbag," please report to my office immediately. Your position is unknown and we have yet to see your desk, or your face, for that matter, in this building.
While I find this preposterous, I'd like to extend warm congratulations to you in person for managing to attain a free salary for the last 15 months, and also inform you that I am going to sue the bejesus out of you at the same time. Prepare to be arssraped by our giant corporation by means of a panel of money-hungry lawyers that will ensure that your Caribbean sabbatical will be cut, somewhat, short.
PS: Who the hell do you think you are? Milton from Office Space?
PPS: The person who is feeding their tie into the paper shredder, I'll hunt you down and fire you.
5) Our hip hop dance routine includes a Bollywood section.
Which is meant to be like this:
But will no doubt end up looking a little like this:
6) Was having a discussion with someone over the weekend, about anal bleaching. Why do it when you can just get the stray fur taken off? Why give yourself a Jik enema? I mean, can you even walk after that? And imagine eating a particularly hot curry after you've bleached the shit out of your doetpipe?
7) Got a text from MTN yesterday. It said We've decided that you are one of our valued customers, so from us, we're giving you 60 free Off-Peak minutes. Immediately suspicious. Either it's a corporate joke, or my phone bill is a whopper this month.
8) I still own a piano, as far as I am aware. At least they throw in a free stool.