Thursday, November 20, 2008

jik enemas & amy winehouse

1) According to the E! True Hollywood Story, Amy Winehouse was born on my birthday, 14 September. Hectic. “When Virgo's go wrong.” This must be the only story of the history of the planet where a Virgo went awry. Ever.

2) I have carpet burn. A roastie. From pilates.

3) Mini Me has a sex video. No seriously. Get a load of the tongue action. But have a bucket handy.

4) Crazy day at work. Am geeked out. Was thinking how great it would be to be a CEO and write a company email – purely because I could and nobody could stop me – like this:

Attention: All Staff
It has come to my attention that out of the 3468 employees of this organisation, HR has informed me that in fact there are 3469 on payroll.

Would "Joe Ballbag," please report to my office immediately. Your position is unknown and we have yet to see your desk, or your face, for that matter, in this building.
While I find this preposterous, I'd like to extend warm congratulations to you in person for managing to attain a free salary for the last 15 months, and also inform you that I am going to sue the bejesus out of you at the same time. Prepare to be arssraped by our giant corporation by means of a panel of money-hungry lawyers that will ensure that your Caribbean sabbatical will be cut, somewhat, short.

PS: Who the hell do you think you are? Milton from
Office Space?

PPS: The person who is feeding their tie into the paper shredder, I'll hunt you down and fire you.

Happy working!


5) Our hip hop dance routine includes a Bollywood section.
Which is meant to be like this:

But will no doubt end up looking a little like this:

6) Was having a discussion with someone over the weekend, about anal bleaching. Why do it when you can just get the stray fur taken off? Why give yourself a Jik enema? I mean, can you even walk after that? And imagine eating a particularly hot curry after you've bleached the shit out of your doetpipe?

7) Got a text from MTN yesterday. It said We've decided that you are one of our valued customers, so from us, we're giving you 60 free Off-Peak minutes. Immediately suspicious. Either it's a corporate joke, or my phone bill is a whopper this month.

8) I still own a piano, as far as I am aware. At least they throw in a free stool.

15 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

Face it, with a surname like Winehouse, she was always going to be an alcoholic.

If she was South African, do you think the family name would be Shebeen?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev I was thinking Amy Mampoer had a nice ring to it.
What do you think? (Although it's missing the house part.)

Revolving Credit said...

Anneline Mampoerpandok?

Revolving Credit said...

Do you think you could bleach your anus by consuming large quantities of alcohol?
Orally of course.

Peas on Toast said...

I think, Rev, if you drank a bleach cocktail with a hot curry, you might bleach your arsshole right off.

And interesting thought indeed.

Revolving Credit said...

Anal Bleach = Moonshine??

Peas on Toast said...

Just what I was thinking. Ouch! Just thinking about it gives me ringsting!

boldly benny said...

LOVE the clip of Mr Bean - his dance moves reduce me to fits of laughter every time!

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Benster!

Isn't he fab?? I hate to say it, but I think he might even have more rythym than me.
Eek.

neil, the ranter said...

no, peas. anal bleaching is reserved for those lucky enough to be in the adult 'entertainment' industry. helloooo - if you are starring in a porno, you're gonna want a nice white anal area - trust me... anything else and you won't even be able to stomach a nice vindaloo - which, in my professional opinion, you should lay off for at least a week post-bleach. those bright camera lights are brutal.

Kel said...

ag shit.WHY DID I HAVE TO CLICK ON THE MINI ME LINK??
I was just curious about the lengths of the 2 people you know? like what does he do? crawl up to make eye contact? .HIGHLY intriguing.Let it be known I like little people..i really do but that tongue thing...

Peas on Toast said...

Neil, The Ranter, the lighting up the doetpipe can't be flattering, bleached or otherwise right?

But why the incessant demand for white assholes? I mean.....

Kel - And by the looks of things his girlfriend - who is not a dwarf - is about to enjoy herself....whoops there goes my lunch.

icepick said...

One could always rub there ass along the floor like a dog does when it has an itch.

Perhaps the skin will grow back lighter than before.. :/

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - awesome imagery dude. Thanks :)

neil, the ranter said...

the pale-faces (or pale-doet/asses) need all the help they can get 'cos you know... once you go black...