Friday, January 23, 2009

satan

So, the newly-engaged Ant has moved back to the city of deep throating and deep mining, so Chester and I went over to theirs for a hearty Italian dinner.

Ant and her dude are currently animal-sitting a dog for someone, and as you might've started picking up, it doesn't have a name that makes anyone warm to the poor little wretch.

The dog owner called his dog Satan. And Ant's babysitting the devil.

Rad.

The problem of course - besides church interventions arriving on your doorstep with Bibles and holy water - is that one doesn't realise that phrases like 'Satan! SATAN! Come to me!' And, 'SATAN! Would you PLEASE shut up,' is going to echo across the expansive Bryanston lawn and find its way through to the eardrums of your conservative neighbours who think you might have a devil worshipping vibe going on. Or at the very least an interesting relationship with the Lord Of The Dark.

And property prices are going to drop.

I mean, we were all sitting outside on the verandah, quaffing a little bit of Cote du Rhone - the good stuff - and realised that within fragments of the evening, this is what the neighbours had very possibly embraced themselves for:

What's for dessert? Ooh BLACK FOREST my favourite! STOP BARKING SATAN! DOWN SATAN DOWN! God! He does this every night, especially when guests are here.

And then SATAN! GET DOWN! Stop humping the chair! Is Satan bothering you?

Anyway moral of the story is:

1) Satan is a terrible name for a dog. As is Adolf and Slobadan. Give the dude a chance.

2) If you're trying to name your pet something original, do something that won't make your neighbours think you're dabbling with ouija boards. Try 'Lord Percy' or 'Matthew' or even 'Hip Flask.'

3) In the same breath, I wouldn't call your dog Jesus either. I considered calling my late rat God as a joke, but one has to think this through: "God has a nasty case of the runs, do you think I should take him to the vet?" And then you have to explain to the vet (and of course he'll be Baptist or something) why you called your rodent God, and it'll just be wierd.

4) Dogs called Satan need a lot of love and attention. That said, nobody will rob you.

5) It's great having my Italian counterpart back here. Johannesburg is such a departure lounge. Doc has gone to live in the Philippines, while Ant has returned.

At least my friends manage to juggle their departures and arrivals timeously.

15 comments:

kyknoord said...

Hey, property prices are going to drop anyway. May as well be the cause instead of just another victim.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - yeah at least people can say, 'This global credit crunch and a dog named after the devil is why we sold our house.'

Revolving Credit said...

Humping the chair?

Horny little devil isn't he??

Peas on Toast said...

Revo - A horny little devil and a horny little bastard (we don't know who Satan's father is, let's face it)

livingladolcevita said...

Better than calling your pit bull "Fluffy"

Paula said...

Heya Peas...

Your post today was HILARIOUS!!!! I laughed from the point where you mentioned the name of the dog... till now.

That's a rad name though: Satan. I called my teddy Jesus once; my mom gave me the asswhopping of my life (she's a pastor). So either way you lose.

I know people who've called their dogs "Danger" and "Die Hard" also, classic names.

Have a good one,

P

po said...

Peas I am so excited, my copy of your book FINALLY made it all the way to the UK, I have been reading it on the plane, love it!

Nessers said...

I have a friend with a cat called voel (bird in Afrikaans) my ex had 2 dogs called dumb and dumber, when I got my male dog from the SPCA his name was fifi *he is now scamp thanks to my children), farmers in the UK have a habit of calling their sheepdogs Sweep and I know of a dog called fugly lol - I wonder what they think of all this

Gold digger said...

"Sit Satan! Good boy! Satan, roll over... Clever boy!" "Honey? Please pass Satan a treat?"

What if you have a cat called Jesus? "Satan! Leave Jesus alone!"

Peas on Toast said...

Paula - oooh you devious little devil :) Your mum's a pastor and you named it Jesus! Love it :)

Po - Yay! Thank you so much, here's to many more giggles! ;)

PS: How did you get it as a matter of interest? Having a few logistical issues with UK orders...

Nessers - I like it, twin names are very de riguer. My fish were called I & J, so I am too a big fan :)

Gold Digger - bwaaaaaa - I have to tell Ant to get hold of Paula's teddy called Jesus or a cat, definitely!
Could you imagine the neighbours then?? bwaahahaha!

po said...

I got it via Kalahari, it took a while but I got it in the end.

Kalahari is where I buy all my South AFrican books, they are very good.

Peas on Toast said...

Oh brilliant Po, that's excellent to hear that Kalahari delivers good service abroad - yeeeeeeha! :)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Good God... OK even saying "Good God" doesn't seem appropriate! LOL

It would be a laugh if the dog was something ridiculously small too! Haha!

We were going to adopt a beautiful dog called Diablo (meaning Devil) - now THAT is cool!
At least they changed the name and made it sound "romantic" as only some languages can :-)

Snatch said...

personally, I think the best name for a dog is Sit - imagine how confused the poor fucker will be. "Roll over, sit" "Fetch, sit" "Come here sit"...you get my point.

Peas on Toast said...

Snatch - Good one! See, it's all about thinking out the box :)