Did a little reccie review of my blog Analytics report yesterday.
Hell’s Momma on A Stake. There are some sick fuckers out there, good God. I even blushed.
I checked out how people have found my blog – accidentally or intentionally – by viewing a report over the last 5 months, and had no idea just how entertaining this would be.
I’ve broken them up into groups, purely for your enjoyment.
Group 1: The Unintentionals, mostly looking for porn or toilet roll holders, and accidently stumble upon this. [WTF is that? What am I to toilet roll holders? Fuck, I need a new gig.]
names to call a pussy [‘Poen.’]
secunda jol [Um…]
the best way to start off a rap career [Yes! German rap bist nein scheise! Lufthansa, I’m rolling with my shit off safety.]
white pants fuck [OK then]
wooden giraffe kitchen roll holder [I really don’t get this.]
young horny bitch talks dirty [Hi!]
mushypeasontoast epic hangover sunglasses on [No pics, sorry]
how to kill a parktown prawn [Still inconclusive, sorry]
"will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus"
bitches talking dirty
boss likes to jokes too often
boss says i'm opinionated
cameltoe cyclist girl [It was a long race]
does boredom lead to watching porn [Always]
ferry from santorini to rhodes with flying dolphins
how to describe people's snorting laughs [Try Babelfish in Russian]
how to look like you are in da mafia
i found my house mates dildo [So did I]
kevin spacey is a communist [Are you sure?]
leo marquard hall [The UCT website must be there somewhere]
lesbians peas [bwaaaaaaaaaaaa]
make a complaint about prank calls [You’re a loser]
"how not to buy condoms" [Still haven’t figured out a tactic, sorry. It blows. Bwaaaaha]
doondies [You call underpants doondies too?]
"how to" "fake laugh"
"licky boom boom yeah" [Monster Hits, I love you]
belgium men do they make good lovers
best thing to do if bitten by a cape cobra [Anti-venom]
biltong sex [OK, now you’re just being kinky]
bluetooth nipple clamps [So…they can IM you?]
boet and swaer [The Eastern Cape]
buy condoms without embaress [‘Embarrassment’ actually. Good luck]
can my darling drink wine after a hysterectomy? [Are you from Jane Austen’s Emma? Are you serious?]
Group 2: The Kinky Deranged Porn Fiends. These people have special requirements, and they probably won't find them on this blog.
fuck my ass in my panties [I have never written about that]
girlfriend wants to stretch my ass [See above]
grannys wetting [See above above]
"pink lilo" sex [Never written about, but sounds interesting]
"ejaculated on my" [Oh. That time. When Oliver the Boerbull ejaculated on my handbag at a braai]
"fucking the pool boy" [Can you say A.L.I.M.O.N.Y?]
"yes, but can the steam engine do this?" [What, exactly?]
Group 3: The Live-Vicariously-Throughers. They’re looking for personal or publicised stuff about either me, Laurian, people I know; or Peas On Toast, the Other Laurian:
laurian clemence book
mushy peas on toast book [African Fiction section of Exclusive Books]
laurian clemence argentina
a pea on toast [Is that just my finger? Or my hand?]
mushypeasontoast ex s
laurian clemence blog peas
mushy peas on toast c2
mushy peas dove +blog
Group 4: The Monster Hits Groupies That Thought They Were Safe:
Hold the phone.
What have we here?
People out there Monster Jiving, is what. Everyone loves Monster Hits after 5 Jaegermeisters, but these keywords are certainly encouraging, It’s that YOU will never admit it. Yet.You’re even trying to source it – a ha! Busted.
monster hits 7 south Africa
monster hits vol 2
monster hits vol. 1
monster hits volume 2 south Africa
monster hits volume 3 south Africa [The best of the collection, FYI]
"monster hits" south africa 90's
Group 5: The Specifics aka 'What Did She Say Exactly's'
This is an interesting group of search queries. Mainly because this person was looking for events so specific to September 2008.
In particular somewhere in between 26 September to 29 September (over a weekend, I believe) - that they were looking for a very exact timeframe.
What happened on that weekend? I’m trying to remember. Might’ve been in Greece, will have to check. All by one IP address. Interesting.
peas on toast september 2008
peas on toast 26 september 2008
mushypeasontoast 29 september 2008
mushypeasontoast 26 september ex s [hang on a sec…]
mushypeasontoast 29 september 2008
In light of all these groups, you may have or have not noticed: I don’t keep archives on this blog. I like that after a few days, the tenth post drops off the bottom and it’s gone. History made a channel on dsTV for a reason.
However, I do have a few posts documented from 2005 to present day on the right hand side. Solely to give context to my life and words; as well as poignant and/or laughable moments that are worth keeping to memory.
I updated them last night – and I’m hoping 2009 will bring [more] laughs and hopefully some [more] happiness.