Thursday, January 22, 2009

what people load into their browsers

Did a little reccie review of my blog Analytics report yesterday.

Hell’s Momma on A Stake. There are some sick fuckers out there, good God. I even blushed.

I checked out how people have found my blog – accidentally or intentionally – by viewing a report over the last 5 months, and had no idea just how entertaining this would be.

I’ve broken them up into groups, purely for your enjoyment.

Group 1: The Unintentionals, mostly looking for porn or toilet roll holders, and accidently stumble upon this. [WTF is that? What am I to toilet roll holders? Fuck, I need a new gig.]

names to call a pussy [‘Poen.’]
secunda jol [Um…]
the best way to start off a rap career [Yes! German rap bist nein scheise! Lufthansa, I’m rolling with my shit off safety.]
white pants fuck [OK then]
wooden giraffe kitchen roll holder [I really don’t get this.]
young horny bitch talks dirty [Hi!]
chester pillow
mushypeasontoast epic hangover sunglasses on [No pics, sorry]
dentist porn
how to kill a parktown prawn [Still inconclusive, sorry]
"will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus"
belgium peadophiles
bitches talking dirty
boss likes to jokes too often
boss says i'm opinionated
cameltoe cyclist girl
[It was a long race]
does boredom lead to watching porn [Always]
ferry from santorini to rhodes with flying dolphins

how to describe people's snorting laughs [Try Babelfish in Russian]
how to look like you are in da mafia
i found my house mates dildo
[So did I]
kevin spacey is a communist [Are you sure?]
leo marquard hall [The UCT website must be there somewhere]
lesbians peas [bwaaaaaaaaaaaa]
make a complaint about prank calls [You’re a loser]
"how not to buy condoms" [Still haven’t figured out a tactic, sorry. It blows. Bwaaaaha]
doondies [You call underpants doondies too?]
plastic pillars
"how to" "fake laugh"
"licky boom boom yeah"
[Monster Hits, I love you]
belgium men do they make good lovers
best thing to do if bitten by a cape cobra
[Anti-venom]
biltong sex [OK, now you’re just being kinky]
bluetooth nipple clamps [So…they can IM you?]
boet and swaer [The Eastern Cape]
buy condoms without embaress [‘Embarrassment’ actually. Good luck]
can my darling drink wine after a hysterectomy? [Are you from Jane Austen’s Emma? Are you serious?]

Group 2: The Kinky Deranged Porn Fiends. These people have special requirements, and they probably won't find them on this blog.

fuck my ass in my panties [I have never written about that]
girlfriend wants to stretch my ass [See above]
grannys wetting [See above above]
"pink lilo" sex [Never written about, but sounds interesting]
"ejaculated on my" [Oh. That time. When Oliver the Boerbull ejaculated on my handbag at a braai]
"fucking the pool boy" [Can you say A.L.I.M.O.N.Y?]
"yes, but can the steam engine do this?" [What, exactly?]

Group 3: The Live-Vicariously-Throughers. They’re looking for personal or publicised stuff about either me, Laurian, people I know; or Peas On Toast, the Other Laurian:

laurian clemence book

mushy peas on toast book [African Fiction section of Exclusive Books]

laurian+clemence+photo

mushypeasontoast dating

laurian clemence argentina

a pea on toast
[Is that just my finger? Or my hand?]

mushypeasontoast ex s

laurian clemence blog peas

mushy peas on toast c2

mushy peas dove +blog


Group 4: The Monster Hits Groupies That Thought They Were Safe:
Hold the phone.
What have we here?
People out there Monster Jiving, is what. Everyone loves Monster Hits after 5 Jaegermeisters, but these keywords are certainly encouraging, It’s that YOU will never admit it. Yet.You’re even trying to source it – a ha! Busted.

monster hits 7 south Africa
monster hits vol 2
monster hits vol. 1
monster hits volume 2 south Africa
monster hits volume 3 south Africa
[The best of the collection, FYI]
"monster hits" south africa 90's

Group 5: The Specifics aka 'What Did She Say Exactly's'
This is an interesting group of search queries. Mainly because this person was looking for events so specific to September 2008.
In particular somewhere in between 26 September to 29 September (over a weekend, I believe) - that they were looking for a very exact timeframe.
What happened on that weekend? I’m trying to remember. Might’ve been in Greece, will have to check. All by one IP address. Interesting.

peas on toast september 2008
peas on toast 26 september 2008
mushypeasontoast 29 september 2008
mushypeasontoast 26 september ex s
[hang on a sec…]
mushypeasontoast 29 september 2008

In light of all these groups, you may have or have not noticed: I don’t keep archives on this blog. I like that after a few days, the tenth post drops off the bottom and it’s gone. History made a channel on dsTV for a reason.

However, I do have a few posts documented from 2005 to present day on the right hand side. Solely to give context to my life and words; as well as poignant and/or laughable moments that are worth keeping to memory.

I updated them last night – and I’m hoping 2009 will bring [more] laughs and hopefully some [more] happiness.

14 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

So, would the bluetooth nipple clamps vibrate when your phone rings?

Could you clamp it else where??

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie, I have no idea. Or why they clicked on my blog when they got the search results. If you find anything about bluetooth nipple clamps on Google, let me know! :)

livingladolcevita said...

But it's funny, innit, bloody funny.

I got one too

Peas on Toast said...

dOLCE - BWAAAAHAHA! Hilarious - round turds (not getting enough fibre, perhaps?)

And Slut Toes.

There some minds in this world that not even Freud or Karl Jung could explain. :)

Mini said...

Pea

We eagerly await the GREAT Monster Hits party!

Seems the compilers of those albums could use you as the DJ for the party coz u really have done alot to promote the album.

Those tracks could all make the CHEEZ of the day on the FRESH DRIVE on 5Fm!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - I like where this is going choina - perhaps we can get Fresh to have a CHEEZ DAY - I'd totally lend him copies of my original collection if he needed it! :)

People will complain, sure, but they won't really mean it.
;)

The Spear said...

Lol! My God, you have my whole browsing history. Please don't email it to my wife.

:)

Peas on Toast said...

The Spear! A ha! Which group do you belong to - it's Monster Hits isn't it?

Yeah, that can definitely be a dealbreaker....;)

SA Expats said...

Must be the biltong sex for me.

Hey, I live in the Middle East, there are a lack both here.

:)

Peas on Toast said...

SA Expats - Ooh dear God, and could you imagine if you were caught fornicating WITH biltong?

A hand is pennance for stealing there right? So wtf, I wonder, would happen if you were caught in a comprising position with a piece of salty meat...

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Oh Good God!!

How do you do that??? I would love to...although I can only imagine what would come up since I have "Blonde" in my title...oooh the filth!

OK. Seriously. I must know.

HILARIOUS!!!! :-)

When are we jaegering it up?

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - so easy, and trust me, hours of entertainment!

Go to www.analytics.google.com

Paste the code onto your blog template and voila, it'll start tracking the data. Easy capeasy!

Jaeger sounds brilliant - you keen for this Saturday?? xx

kyknoord said...

Actually, I do have "mushypeasontoast epic hangover sunglasses on" pictures. Would you like to buy some?

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - taking pictures in public bathrooms on your cellphone is illegal :)