Thursday, February 26, 2009


So there’s direct Facebook voyeurism, that has some obvious gleeful results, like coming across a picture of an ex boyfriend, chin adorned with dribble or otherwise caned to the eyeballs facedown. Or a tagged crotch shot of the gold digging blonde who leaves you cold.

Those are obvious key finds, but sometimes you’ll find something immensely satisfying and hilarious, only because your idleness dictates it. The indirect voyeurism – shit you stumble upon by accident where your casual interest is picqued by the high bell-curve of boredom, when you’re suddenly struck by the arcane differences between dudes and birds.

Stumbled onto a goldmine yesterday, and had quite a giggle.

Was posed a question from a male friend the other day over a plate of Tofu Surprise. ‘Why are girls so catty and bitchy to each other?’ Staring at him squarely back: ‘In my very humble opinion, I have found men can be harsher, more direct and cutting, not to mention crueller, than women. At least in my experience.’

Perhaps women have compassion packed into their genetic makeup, and their bitchiness is often behind the smoke screen of a charming smile, but in actual fact, they secretly hate you.

Still very much find this amusing, how classic men and women can be in their own right.

So I’m yawning and surfing through Facebook, and I came across one pearler of a random picture. You know those old school photos scanned in from the 90s? A photo, of a bunch of nouveau posh boys, all looking very poncy, clearly all in the throes of being privately- edumacated.


Girls’ commentary in these types of photos is loosely self-deprecating: ‘Crisis Shazza, I’m untagging this picture. If you’re wondering where all the pies went, check out my waistline.’ Or ‘Oh my GOD, it’s a side ponytail.’

A look at an old formal dinner picture, the commentary goes something like this:

Patsy Clinehead: Pooh Bear, you’re the only hot one in this picture. Horrible horrible horrible.
Caroline Pugh: Look at my cheesy grin – eeek – ha ha ha!
Sarah Hucknell: Not our best girls.

[Not this lot. It’s brilliant. It goes like this:]

Andrew Shackleton: Jesus. I am short.

Freddie: Nesbit: ….of hair.

Rupert McCrory-Heatherington: Cunts

Octavius Trilby: Such a dark photo anyway - I can’t believe we paid for it. Mine wasn’t even in focus.

Robert Dunford: I'd forgotten what an upstanding figure of authority you were Heathers.

Andrew Shackleton: Nesbit, you are a dead man.

Henry Smythe-Ellis : Actually Nesbit is married – so he’s probably is.

Henry Smythe-Ellis: Is Knudsen still a gaylord?

Clive Wetherington: Come on children, play nicely.

Mark Gilbey: Just like old times eh?

Octavius Trilby: I don't remember Heathers using language like that when we were at school. He must have picked it up since he left...

Andrew Shackleton: He's now in Brighton surrounded by pinkos and Gomorrahites, so just possibly the lady doth protest too much?

Will Foster: Has anyone seen Eddie Webster recently? I hear he is now a fat bastard?

Eddie Webster: [looking decidedly rotund] Hi guys, I have indeed piled on the pounds and weighing in at cool 18 stone. Just really enjoying eating at the moe! Don’t think you anything special Foster just because you’re donning grey hair.

Andrew Shackleton: Is all this exciting physiognomical chitchat some kind of covert foreplay? I thought the Brown Triangle was limited to Heathers, Nesbit and Trilby.

Yours weirdly aroused,


[All conversation comes to an abrupt halt. At least for a bit.]

Mark Gilbey: That seemed to be a conversation stopper.

God it must be fun to be a dude. And have a hairy chest and balls to scratch.
Although, that said, come on – like I’d ever want to give up Hannah and Elizabeth (my boobies) for a pair of man-testicles.

Now could you imagine if us girls were to say something like, ‘Does anyone know if Shelley-Anne is still a dyke?’ Or ‘Crisis Jennifer. How chubby were you?’
Could. You. Imagine.



The Blonde Blogshell said...

OMG...I am rolling on the floor (amongst my snotty tissues) *sniff*
You are hilarious!!! HOW TRUE IS THAT???

We would all be like:
Liz, don't be silly, you looked gorgeous!!!
(meantime, we all hated her perfect teeth and blemish free skin at 16)
Liz: Aw thanks you really mean it? Dolly, you haven't changed a bit - still as skinny and beautiful as ever. is soooo true!!! We are charming bitches. LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - I'm telling ya - if you have a free 20 minutes to twiddle your thumbs, go through your high schoool group pics or whatever. It's like clockwork! Then go to a guys group - the difference is radical!

hahahaha :)

tyrone said...

I'm thinking we take things less personally than you guys?

I mean we're ok with being ripped off about our weight, small pecs, etc.

Probably a function of society.

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - true...but I'm thinking calling a girl a fat dykelord would probably be on the same level as saying 'dude do you still have a small penis?' Some stuff effects birds, some stuff effects guys I reckon. What do you reckon?

tyrone said...

Absolutely and I'm pretty sure a lot depends on the person. Some guys would take offence at being called fat, others wouldn't.

I'm just saying in general we seem to handle it better.

It could be because most guys grow up with that type of banter all the time. My mates and I rip each other off all the time... And have been doing it for years so I guess we're just more trained to brush it off.

Can you imagine one female high school student telling another one - "Is that a volcano on your nose, or are have just auditioned for Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer"?? After she's spent the last 2 hours trying to nuke it and resorted to a COATING of make-up. All my mates would comment but it would be ok.

But again, depends on the girl I guess...

Peas on Toast said...

hahahaha Tyrone! Could you imagine! ;)

For sure, dudes rip the shit out of each other - and you gotta laugh! :)

tyrone said...

You do. It's a load of fun.

I live with 2 guys and guests could be forgiven for thinking we actually despise each other and only live together for convenience! :-)

Any less-than-perfect physical attributes get pounced on. With relish.

Don't you dare do anything stupid. Ever.

And, ffs, don't do drunken hook-ups with a chew-your-arm-off or you'll hear about it for years.

It's all fun though. And our skins have grown incredibly thick.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah, I must say - I miss living with boys. You grow a thick skin but it's ALWAYS a good laugh.

And yes beware those mingers you bring home after too much tequila, guy! ;)

tyrone said...

Ha ha...

Don't worry. I've made a promise to myself not to do that. And haven't done it yet after being single for almost 3 months with a LOT of partying so I'm doing ok so far!

My mate reckons what you do is set your barometer early on, before the tequila hits. When you've drunk that one hot, it's time to go home alone.

Not sure it'll work though. By that time you've already given up on morals and your mates are only too happy to see it happen.

I do like tequila though.

icepick said...

Thanks PEas. I had such a decent laugh to all this.

Ive also noticed the same shit.

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - yay! Anything you can share - I'm finding this all helluva funny right now myself :)

kyknoord said...

The next time someone whines because I'm not on FarceBook, I'm directing them to this very post.

icepick said...

haha Just the common thing...

Ladies realizing how awkwardly unattractive their old hair style once was, as if they took the local parachute to school.

While the dudes recalling trivial memories of Cottondicks(the legend) failed "stage dive attempt" during school assembly.

I havnt noticed much of the guys talking about themselves tho, but ive seen it. and its deadly haha

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - you know you wanna join. Just think of all the TIME you could waste on it! :)

icepick - what is COTTONDICKS? Sounds like my kinda place ;)

Kidding. What I love most about 90s photos though is the curtain fringe hairstyles okes had. Hideous and very very Bryan Adams. :)

icepick said...

Curtain fringe? My bro called it "the wave". He slicked mine to side at a tender age. showing me the ropes. that sorta shit. lol

icepick said...

Its like a massive cow lick.

Cottondicks was a nickname for this crazy dude. Always did stupid hurt. we laughed.

Peas on Toast said...

Nice! I must say that's another thing guys are particularly apt at: giving each other names. For life. Anything from, well, Cottondicks to T-Bone to Truck, or like in one case, Chunder. Seriously. The nicknames are insanely funny.