Monday, February 02, 2009

diesel fumes & sundry

Went to Moogs’ Vaal pad late Friday night to get shitfaced in good company, smell diesel fumes on the back of a boat and action the usual tomfoolery we do on weekends at the Vaal.
I am where I was two months ago, and it was not a bad place – single.

Anyway, it turned out better than I thought. Good company, strong Tequila Sunrises, tanning by the pool, and a dysfunctional family.

The ‘dysfunctional family’ part goes something like this:

We chug along upstream towards the Waterfront Lodge – a chilled spot, wooden deck, on stilts, pretty sunset, cheesy music, we’re all throwing a few Sex On The Beaches around.

This family rocks up. The father is the poster boy for reasons not to take steroids, and the mother is wearing an incy wincy leopard print bikini, acrylic nails and hot pants.
The kids appear normal.

For about five and a half seconds.

They’re sitting at a table right next to ours and all talking loudly, so the first thing we overhear is him ordering buckets of Moet.
Eventually they order our table a bottle. Shweet, thanks. So we’re making friends, but friends with an unwitting edge. Because the 5 year old is hitting on me, and the 12 year old is talking like someone who should be in her 30s, not in Std 5.

The kids were saying things like this: ‘Fuck man. My dad says if I wait until I’m 18 to have sex, he’ll buy me a 5 Series BMW.’

OK. You’re twelve.

The five year old then proceeds to go ‘Daddy I want a Johnny Walker Blue.’
‘No dude, you normally drink Black for shits sakes.’

Our new freaky creepy friends are now buying us tequilas, and we’re sipping on them whilst checking out this scenario in disbelief. Didn’t realise that Jerry Springer holidayed in Gauteng, but whatever.

The more punished we got, I eventually, after three tequilas, and hearing the 12 year old talk about her mommy’s sex toys, and after hearing the father ask his 5 year old son to fetch us more tequila, thought I should speak up.

Addressing the mother, while daughter is doing provocative hip hop moves – moves I do in my dreams – and I said:
‘I think it would be a good idea to send your children to boarding school. Single sex.’
Mother: ‘Why?’
‘Well, your daughter is probably giving older men blowjobs behind the school toolshed while she pops ecstasy tablets, hands out cane tot packs around the playground, while swearing like a sailor.

‘As for your son, that horny little bugger currently humping my leg, knows the difference between a Sex On The Beach and sex itself. He just said so. He also said “fuck” three times in half an hour and is carrying around tequila shots. He’s FIVE. I’m just saying it might be a good idea so that there’re no teenage pregnancies going on here and/or alcoholic children.’

Mother: ‘Nah. We’re all just very open, and this is how I choose to raise my kids.’

They also mentioned their party lifestyles and recreational drug habits when they hit Truth on a Friday night. No censorship for small ears, in any form.

We all bundled up our things and ran to our boat, and I’m pretty sure they could hear us talking as we went down the river.

‘Dude! Fuck! Child!’
‘Are you guys as freaked out as I am?’
‘Shit chaps, that’s quite a yardstick for bad parenting.’
‘What I loved is that they reckoned they were from Sandton, and they live in Buccleugh. The last time I checked, Buccleugh was in Midrand.’
‘At least we know none of us would ever be like that.’

Needless to say, we got trashed and I passed out in my bed before dinner.

We also made moustaches out of the grease on the ‘outboard motor.’ I looked like General Kitching, while the others made various Mugabe, Hitler, Kurt Darren ones between them, and that's how we missioned around the river. The diesel fumes really did go straight to my head.

Love a bit of silliness.


Anonymous said...

:( I guess he really does hate KFC that much.

Sorry man, it's like "not again..." argh what's up with life.

hang in there buddy


Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Chan :)

Nessers said...

sorry to hear about you and Chester - hope you are still able to be friends tho from personal experience it usually is not possible. Thinking good things for you...

Peas on Toast said...

Thank you ;)

boldly benny said...

WOW I think I would have choked on my tongue with that lot - the boy is a year older than my nephew who happens to still giggle at the word bum!
LOVE what you said to the mum - hilarious!

Sorry you hear about you and Ches - I won't waffle on! Just know that I'm thinking of ya x

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Benny :)

Yeah can you believe the 5 year old! There's a kid more streetwise than you or me...I mean, holy shitballs.!!

tyrone said...

Sorry Peas.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks dude ;)

tyrone said...

So I did the hat this weekend.


Bloody hell.

harold said...

WOW! That is un-friggin-believable ! people are still enjoying water sports on the Vaal !!

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - TWICE?? tyrone TWICE IS 500 TIMES TOO MANY! :)

was it wirth the vomit and the crate dude who always bumps you?


harold - you better believe it gringo. Jetskis, biceps and diesel. Look at least it doesn't have 8000 ml of sludeg on the top of it (and this is the river not the dam - big difference I believe), like Harties!

Uh Huh said...

Yeah, you totally said that to the mom. Sure you did. Tell me: if this blog contains so much "I wish I'd said that" bullshit fantasy, how come it's so fucking boring?

And you just can't keep a man, can you? On top of your flopped "novel" (slightly edited collection of blog posts with glossy cover), life must NOT be cool at the moment.

The Spear said...

It's just sad... and retarted.

tyrone said...

HEY HEY HEY! The hat is not a bad place for single guys... It has it's perks, and it's ups and downs! ;-)

Although, I'm loving Parkhurst a whole lot more these days!

What's up with Uh Huh?

Mini said...

I aint gonna depress you about the relationship talk.(It takes time to heal).And on a plus side ....SINGLE AND FREE TO MINGLE!

On those bloody kids,now I see why my dad says we shud be father and son and not FRIENDS else i'd turn out like those kids.(Thank heavens for that)

I guess we can start our very own Jerry Springer show.


Manon said...

Oh huh can suck it...

Sorry to hear it Peas...

tyrone said...

I think Uh Huh does suck it.

kyknoord said...

The Osbournes: South Africa.
P.S. :(

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, dude, I hope you got their contact details.

That's your next book right there...just add a bit more drug use and rehab, a veiled reference to incest and inbreeding, based on a plot between Eskom and the Ventersdorp Agricultural Forum to overthrow the Mugabe regime..and you have a best seller.

PS. So no more KFC & Blowjob Day? Sad!
Oh well, you'll have to wait for Daiquiri % Dildo Day!

Ruby said...

Whoah! F*ck off Uh-Huh!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Drinks... NOW!! :-)

The only thing is we'll get our tequila (coffee tequila -oooh it's the only tequila I can drink and I have to introduce you to my toxic coffee bean friend ASAP) from a grown barman not a 5 year old.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks so much for your comments gups. Really appreciate it.

Just a note to Uh Huh though: Thanks for reading my book!
Face. Bovvered?

tyrone said...

Love it! :-)

SheBee said...

Wahahhaa! Even post break-up you have @it.tude.

Uhuh sounds like a bitter bitch.

Love you friend.

PS: :(