Monday, March 02, 2009

by-product & trendy lurkage

Poen had a dinner party on Friday. I’m very lucky to have a rowdy set of coupled-up mates, you know. I might’ve been the only single chick there, but that’s where Bridget Jones and I differ: at least these friends, although very loved up, manage to break free, get a bit drunk, giggle with me and generally play the fool – both boys and girls.

And Poen and I always end up in the kitchen pissing ourselves senseless over something, until tears fall down our cheeks.

As one friend said to me, ‘Everyone here is a good person, and everyone cares for and loves each other. And everyone is fun. Surely that makes us good people and fun too?’ She continued: ‘If our friends are incredible, are we allowed to think we’re incredible as well?’
Damn straight we are.

Still, we really did get blotto on Poen’s patio. The wine was but a-flowing.

On Saturday I got whacked onto the guestlist of an exclusive chi-chi promo party, set at an expansive hugely ostentatious house in Dunkeld. A friend I used to work with said I should come along for free cocktails and oysters by the pool.

Hey, why not. Going to a party where I know no one is my new best hobby. No pre-conceived agendas, you pitch up and rock out, but only if you wanna. If it’s crap, you drink up and simply go home. It was sunny and beautiful, very Johannesburg Saturday afternoon-like, I was eating sushi, sipping champagne and sitting on a seat like a lurker.

Perching toute seule on a chair, by a pool, where no one knows you isn’t really lurking. Come on. I mean, I was on the phone to the Dove every hour, anyway as she gave me on-site feedback of moving into her new flat with her boyfriend. She’s moved to Illovo and chose the day Australia played the Proteas at the Wanderers to do it, so the removal van couldn’t even get onto her street.

The swearing was colourful on the other end of the receiver.

Ended up talking geek with a guy, felt exhausted after talking code, so joined another mate elsewhere.

At Espresso’s.
[Side note: the waiter there thinks I’m stalking him. Which I assure you, I am not. I went there with my colleagues on Friday for lunch and he served our table. I mentioned he was cute, and he overheard. Of course on Saturday, we happened to meet there, and he decided to serve us again. Everytime I looked up, my eyes fell directly onto him and not even on purpose. Forfucksakes, he’s, what, 16? I’m not into kids. So, anyway, he probably thinks I want his beefcake or something. So whenever he spoke to us, I stared purposefully into the sugar.]

As she went home to her dude, I went home to my macaroni cheese and a documentary on crap.

I’m not joking: I was gagging for my night in with a TV dinner and to watch the History Channel’s latest insight: Crap: A Short History.

It’s not everyday you get to watch the history of shit. Girls don’t have bowel movements remember, so it makes it even more fascinating.

Some stuff I learnt:

1) Cow shit in India is a big deal. Bovines are religious deities, and their by-product is no different. They get cows to drop the fresh stuff in their new homes at housewarmings for luck.
2) You can blow up pooh. They did. “We are standing here in front of a colossal pile of crap. Of which we’ll prove to you that it is highly flammable.”
3) There’s a volcano of crap in Borneo
4) Without dung beetles, we’d all be drowning in crap.
5) Some dung beetles have exclusive tastes. And only do rhino dung.
6) The elephant is the biggest shitter on the planet. We’re talking king-sized crappers. And can fill a car boot full of dung a day.
7) A dude 14 000 years ago, dropped off the Huxtables in some cave on the plains of Oregon, and they’re now using the …stool for forensic DNA research to determine who really were the first people to discover America.
8) They threw the words ‘crap’ and ‘stool’ around quite a bit. Dudes dressed up like scientists, all very serious and geeky, and not one giggle was emitted.

I’m now reading the book about Josef Fritzl, Monster, the world’s most fucked up fuck. The case surrounding him, the dungeon he built downstairs in Austria, his daughters and incestuously-bred children, the whole thing. It’s scary, but the reason for reading it – is trying to understand how such depravity can exist in this world. What went wrong in his fucking head?

If I find out, I’ll let you know.


dorothy said...

christ i thought you were joking about the crap documentary

Peas on Toast said...

I thought dsTV was also joking, Dot.
But no, it really really was about shit.

Peter said...

If you find the book too much like heavy going, you could always go and see the play instead:

Sounds like a right hoot.

Peas on Toast said...

Peter - no flippen WAYS china. They've taken it to the West End??

God. Whatever will they do next - a musical on the Paedophiles of Belgium?

Peter said...

Not quite the west end, but a little theatre in Vienna none-the-less.

Got to be very brave or very stupid to try and pull that off.

Similar to a play in Oz at the moment dealing with racism riots in Cronulla in 2005.
Is it a case of "Ooooh, no hatred has been incited in a while, let's see what we can stir up?".

Peas on Toast said...

Peter - Ed Zachery! I mean, are they mad? The Fritzl case isn't even cold yet - they're still trying to determine whether he's bad or mad (bad = lifetime imprisonment, mad = lifetime mental asylum), and yet - they're keen to run around in lederhosen and make a skit?

Crazy Austrians. And the Ozzies must just be bored as usual :)
har har!

Revolving Credit said...

It amazing how you manage to mention stalking/lurking a 16 year old and incestuous dungeons in the same post.

Should we be calling you Advocate Barbie?

kyknoord said...

Speaking of stools, did Nhlanhla Nene get a mention?

Billy said...

Peas, howdy. You entering blog awards 2009?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - vun must alvays looken at somethink vith a certain amount of suspicion, especially deine coincidences, echt, mein kleinen? ;)

Kyk - where is he anyway, besides in hiding? ;)

Billy - I don't know! I don't know if it's worth it - who knows!

Billy said...

why? You not like awards?

Revolving Credit said...

You tried to impress the waiter with your German rap, didn't you?

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - oh we love awards :) Just don't know if I'll make the carck this time. But hey feel free to niominate me if you like, I'd be ever so honoured! :) How you big guy?

Rev - how did you know?

Revolving Credit said...

Just check your post again and realised that you sat poolside drinking cocktails and eating oysters before encountering the young lad.

Now, the important part here is 'eating oysters'..hmm...the poor guy didn't stand a chance did he?

You went home and watched the History Channel...ja right!

You went home and damaged your dolphin didn't you?
Had to work those oysters out your system after the waiter rap stalk bid failed, didn't you?

Billy said...

Did it a few hours ago.

Im well. Works fucking mental at the mo, good mental though. Wifes not left me yet and the doctors recon i may make it. All good in the life of Bill.

Billy said...

"You went home and damaged your dolphin didn't you?"

Fuckin funny!

Revolving Credit said...

Not so funny if you're the dolphin!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ahahahaha, again, how did you know? You're bladdy watching me aren't you. You've b;addy hooked up a camera onto my balcony railing that fires directly through my bedroom window.
Now that's KINKY shit :)

Billy - am glad youre doing better my dear. And thank you for nomintaing me, what a little biscuit you are! xx

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - he LOVES it. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Peazle, this nanotech shit is the's amazing how small they make cameras these days.

I gotta show you some of the feed from Dolphin Cam, very interesting point of view.

Kinda like National Geographic, but with a twist.

Peas on Toast said...

wahahahahahahahaha :)

Good one :) OK you promise it's going to be more interesting than the Crap Documentary? If so, I'll let you sell the fottage to Discovery, but I want at least 50% of the royalties. 50% or bust!

Revolving Credit said...

If want 50% you're gonna have to work for it.
If you want more interesting footage, then the balls in your court..seeing as you're the camera guy.

It's gotta be a full documentary, not one of those 30sec inserts (pardon the pun).

Peas on Toast said...

Rev;s...I like that. Interesting edge there. 'The ball's in yoru court.' The last I heard Reverend, the ball's in your pants china!

* giggle giggle tee hee *

Billy said...

Pity they dont have a funniest comments bit on the awards!

Revolving Credit said...

Hey how do you know it's in my pants?
For all you know, it could be in my hand.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - I remember crying tears when people went bosbefok on the post about husburdens versus husbanks.

That was a corker of an afternoon!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - let's hope that on some level your balls are still somewhat in yoru pants, even if they ARE in your hand. Eina! ;)

Revolving Credit said...

What are you saying??

"A hand in the pants is worth two in the bush?"

Revolving Credit said...

Or should that be:

"A ball in the hand is worth two in the bush?"

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - what I am saying is this:

thank GOD it's Grey's Anatomy tonight :)

Revolving Credit said...

Why, does the dolphin like watching that??

Well, as long as an anatomy lesson is involved I suppose.

Anonymous said...

I'm sharing a house with a one year old boy for the next two months. Enough with the pooh!

Anonymous said...

I'm really in 2 minds about all these freaks and weidos that people write books about, make movies about and apparently even plays. Do we add to their infamy and give them attention they might really be seeking, and give them way more spotlight than they deserve, or do we completely ignore them and their stories? Is that not almost excusing what they've done? And what does it say about us how fascinated by their stories?

Peas on Toast said...

Dolce - high carumba, good luck with the spawny by-product over there mi'lady!

Century - I thought about that too, and also wrestled with those points at Exclusives. I suppose it comes down to a fascination and for me especially, a need to try and understand why or how someone can do that. The book goes into what the pyschologists have to say or determine about his childhood, how the Nazi's had something to do with his mindset, etc etc -so from that point of view it's helping me to understand. But yes, those are points worth considering.

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