Tuesday, March 03, 2009
i had esp dreams about inxs
The Dove and I were throwing around abbreviations yesterday. Whackhead [genius] once did a prank to the ANC along these lines, which got me thinking. So I compiled a rather saturated bundle of sentences myself. When I lose my rag at an institution, I will just pull out one of these to incite confusion, catch them off guard, and pose instantaneous rebuttle.
Here are some examples I should’ve used before. (All these are real scenarios that have happened to me in the past) :
Hello where is my SIM card.
“We don’t have it”
Are the IEC and ANC seriously PC, and do they know UCT and after the weekend after too many G&Ts at the V&A, do they have a massive LC the size of RSA, or are they just keeping it under the QT in NYC while watching HBO on DSTV in the UAE.
“South African Revenue Services, good day”
Hello why do I owe you R8500.
“Because we made you a provisional tax payer.”
I am surfing FB and I see a MPEG of a tube of KY from CNA, get into my A3 and go to CT, and install HSDPA and 3G, so that my PC can view news on SABC, if I have the right URL but the YMCA in DBN in KZN loves that in Q4 they'll have to ask you, SARS, if they need BEE over VC or just someone in PR to do a Q&A, and can the CEO drive an SLK, or does he have to drive the CFO’s MG on the N12. And do you eat M&Ms while you clean your pool with HTH?
“What is your peck-edge number.”
“We have lost it.”
So I send you an SMS, but you take off and go AWOL like a rocket at NASA, while the stocks on the NASDAQ go MIA and I’m thinking when you publically smooch it’s too much PDA so please RSVP, you drive a GTI, I know you’ll BRB. But I’m thinking, are you part of the UN or do you manufacture PVC? In the USA? Or is it that you’re B2B with the CIA, or pretending to be the FBI on an episode of CSI? I needed those JPEGS ASAP. Is your shelving made out of MDF. LOL. Who are you, HRH The Queen or JFK?
“Good afternoon Miss O’Toast. Would you be interested in buying our once-off funeral insurance package for R199.99?”
Is this AIG. Tell me you’re not AIG.
“Yes it’s AIG.”
CHEESE AND RICE. I CANCELLED MY INSURANCE WITH YOU OVER A YEAR AGO AND TOLD YOU TAKE ME OFF YOUR DATABASE. AND YOU STILL PHONE ME. HANG ON HANG ON.
What time zone are you in, CAT or GMT? If you live in the DRC and need to send out your CV, then you better check your HTTP doesn’t go 404. OK. Just go play on your PS3 or phone your BFF on your HTC.
I use AA batteries, how’s your IQ? You can’t listen to KFM in PE while eating a BLT, but you can watch TRL on MTV, VH1 or 90210 even though they don’t talk about the DTI or MMS or ICT or if MDs have EQ. Say, do you wear DKNY or D&G? I reckon you probably gonna need a VAT number for your IBM PC, that’s attached to an ADSL line, if you work at MTN or FNB and your agency is TBWA. Also you should see the new Golf TDI, but you can’t buy it at YDE or H&M or C&A. You might have to be MC at a wedding in the UK on an IV drip. From ICU.
“We’re upping your premiums because a taxi crashed into you.”
The taxi crashed into ME because it didn’t stop at a robot. How is that my fault?
“It’s not your fault, but the taxi has no insurance. So your premiums quad-druple.”
Are you thinking of going to NZ, or being a soldier in the IRA or are you going to study an MBA in DC and pretend you’re part of TKZ and went to KES in JHB? You must fly SAA into LAX, and hire a TT 24/7. Do you think NATO recruits KGB USSR people from the JSE who weigh a lot of KGs from too much MSG and sitting on AOL all day, and studied an LLB, are in COSATU and attend AA, and have interests in the WWF and ETV because of all the CFCs? Can you find your IRP-5? Just phone the SAPS, but don’t forget to take your ID, an EU passport and a bag of DNA.
“Even if America issued you a working visa, your blemished passport photo means that you cannot get onto this one-stop flight because of security restrictions.”
But you can see it’s me! And I have to be in New York this time tomorrow!
“Sorry. You’re going to have to get a new passport, visa and flight. All in 24 hours.”
If you make AZT, or ARVs for HIV, do it with TLC, especially because you’re a VIP’s PA at an NGO that has a DUI. You can buy an LG DVD player if you withdraw from an ATM, but if you’re in the CBD put on your AC because it’s dangerous and ADT isn’t around. Are you into S&M or is that TMI? Don’t worry if you’re MD of HSBC or PWC and drive a BMW with GP plates and ABS, no will judge you if you watch CNN on your PVR HDTV in your PJs for R&R while you eat LM prawns with HP sauce and have an STD.
Or if you roadtrip across the OFS with MNET and stop off at every KFC and BP to get urine samples to validate your pH, because you’ll blow up like TNT and behave like someone who is ADD or makes PDFs like he’s OCD.
“I’m sorry, we can’t let you enter Canada.”
But I’ve been to Canada before, check on your system! I’m not a terrorist! Can’t I buy a visa here?
“You could. But we closed the visa safe two hours ago and Denny took the keys home.”
Look, I might be OTT, and still watch The OC on VHS that's inside a VCR, but at least I don’t participate in the PGA or work for ACSA, KPMG or a SETA. Next time you’re in Europe take a TGV and listen to RnB and OMD on MP3 or CD. You can stay in a B&B, FYI.
If you’ve got XXX saved on a USB that’s rated PG, or if it features JZ in 3D wearing an XXL t-shirt form FCUK, you should probably switch to BBC or CNBC.
BTW, PS: SAB isn’t in any way relatable to AC Milan, DF Malan, HF Verwoerd or PPC Cement, or the fact your GP’s invoice says PTO at the bottom. But I wouldn’t be so sure about PJ Powers. She’s got GPS, gives a DJ a BJ on a DIY BBQ, and works at I&J’s HQ in PMB and uses VOIP at the weekly AGM. WTF.