Wednesday, March 04, 2009

spidie isn't my favourite superhero


Bit of a pitiful bitch right now.

It started yesterday, when there was an uncomfortable fittage of my favourite bra. Usually this baby fits me like a glove, and it suddenly started feeling sore in the middle.

Now I have a mole in between my boobs as it is – it’s my Cindy Crawford [On Torso]. And for some reason I named it Sally.

Whatever, so I’m in a meeting, and it’s getting epic, the uncomfortable rubbing of La Senza against skin. Only it’s not Sally.

Chaps I’ve been bitten by a spider in between my boobs.

If that’s not a sorry state of affairs. I saw a spider lurking near my Moulin Rouge linen the other day and fully grabbed the Doom and went apeshit, but clearly the hairy arachnid with 6 eyes and 8 legs laughed in the face of Baygon and ended up more hungry for human flesh than before.

It sunk its hairy mandibles into my cleavage.

And I’ve grown a fourth noombie, which is fast becoming the tallest peak in town, only pipped by a synagogue spire in Glenhazel.

And okes. I haven’t found the spider yet.
That’s a bit kak don’t you think.

Spider bites. Arachnids love me man. Been bitten a few times – and FYI if you’re ever in FTV smoking B&H on the LHS and don’t see the spider actually bite you – it has a black tinge and it’s fucking sore.

When I was 12, we had a family of black widows doing their thing on a wall on the side of our house. While this is not cool by anyone’s standards, it is where angels fear to tread. So no one ever remoofed them, not even Evidence, the maid, who HATED living up to her name.

So then I rolled on one in my bed. Sorry, I know we swallow eight spiders in our lifetime, but you should’ve seen the damage. Eight spiders au tartare is a ghastly thought, but blow me Stuart Townsend, this wasn’t kiff.

Unwittingly, I happened to roll on it about an INCH. That’s 3 centimetres - above my poen. Crisis.
I couldn’t sit, had to lie down for 4 days while I vommed everyday into a bucket and nursed a seemingly endless migraine the size of Evidence’s secret Ricoffy stash. The stash was a cartel, ok.
But then there was the crater itself, which I shan’t give you a visual or sensory invitation to.

On the bright side – because there always is one, even if its 1.5 months away and is in Germany - I will now have two perfectly aligned chakras. Direct poen to boobs alignment.

On the chakras, I’m not really going through a hippie stage though. Or ever have. I once tried to be a goth and wear black lipstick when I was listening to a lot of Nirvana back in high school, and it really didn’t really work out for me, but I’ve never been through the bothnik I-Live-In-A-Teepee type of lady who does chakras and auras and crystals and dreamcatchers and stuff.

But two chakra spots on my erogenous zones? Perhaps it means I’m destined for some sexual healing. Yes that definitely definitely must be it.

So ja.

39 comments:

The Chantal said...

*puke* lol no more posts about spider bites!!!! that actually made me feel queasy which is weird coz I never do.

46 working days left for me before I go to Germany! :)))

-Chan

Peas on Toast said...

Chan - sorry. :(
Yeah it's not the greatest, won't lie. But hey - it seems to be getting better! yeeehah!

ooooh GERMANY. 46 days - I think I have about 55 days or so. I think I'm going to make a wall worm!

Chanteuse said...

Jeez chick, get well soon, but loving the sexual healing on the way ...

Maybe I need to court a couple of spiders and get a poen & boobie chakra going :D

Too funny!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Chanteuse - zat is a very posh name ma petite poire....I LIKE it :)

I vould not suggest getting a spider to nestle up into your bosoms in za bedroom. However, poen to boobie chakras are all the RAGE baby. :)
xx

The Chantal said...

No I have 46 working days, you're going before me :( as for your wall worm, lol I made a countdown thing starting at 50, everyday when I leave work I tear off the top number, the last 20 are all colourful.

How's the exchange rate!?!? In December when I went it sucked ass but I had to change money, then I come back and it's been much better so I've been hoping it holds out, and now it has to drop all of a sudden, 2 weeks before I'm eligible to exchange. wtf. anyways gonna wait it out.

Peas on Toast said...

Chantal - ah ok! Then it's time to make me a worm! :)
The exchange rate sucks a whole lot of donkey dick, can't lie - so Dove and I are overcompensating BIG TIME when it comes to budget. We're taking a train down to Prague, and it's costing us a bladdy fortune.

But you can't buy experience and fun right? Just means no end-of summer sales for me. But I think I can [almost] handle it.

What's the Euro on at the moment - about 13 right?
* eek*

The Chantal said...

Dude today it's 13.38 to buy travellers cheques, the one place I went to in Dec I was buying cocktails at R130 each, a beer was close to R50, but you can't think of it that way when you're there.

Train trips can be more expensive than flying sometimes! I'm flying with RyanAir to Spain for under 100 euros, my cousin flew to england with RyanAir for 30 euros once, less than taking a train to another part of Germany.

dorothy said...

although i am genuinely sorry for your pain, a picture would've been so awesome

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah Chan, if I start converting while I'm overseas I'm gonna PLAAATZ ;)

Our train journey is about 100 euros, and we've paid off our flights which is thankful. We tried everything though to get the cheapest rates out there: like flying easyjet from Luton in the UK. Which means the hassle factor would've been off the charts. So we're rocking it on KLM and get to spend two nights in Amsterdam which is pretty shweet. But yes, I'll probably be bankrupt when I get home. Will immediately start saving for next trip when I return...

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Dot!
I'm not so sure. It's pretty grim hey. But maybe I'll post a picture of my...human chakras :)

tyrone said...

I also want a poen.

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - wahahahahahaha.

They're great to have, can't lie.
I know places in Thailand where they can give you one if you're interested?
;)

tyrone said...

Hmmm... Do I get options?

Peas on Toast said...

Tyroen - I'm sure hey. Like do you want it on the LHS or the RHS, or do you want to be a full-on chick or do you want to be a hermaphrodite...that sort of stuff.

Maybe they have brochures and stuff! :)

Revolving Credit said...

The lenghts you seem to go to to have your breasts nibbles!!

If you get a few more strategy sidy bites, you could have an arrow point down from your breats to your poen...now that would be a gr8 swimsuit pic.

Revolving Credit said...

..just found myself sub-consciously humming in a decidedly Simpsons manner.."Spider poen, spider poen.."

Peas on Toast said...

Gr8 hey Rev. Why r u reverting to emo talk, have you eaten 2 many pi's, LOL. ?

:)

Peas on Toast said...

You can make it your ringtone, my little emo kid :)

Revolving Credit said...

"mmm..mmm..spider poen, spider poen..mmm....here cums the spider poen.."

quartercenturycrisis said...

You know all this talk about superbugs? They don't lie - only it's not just the germs, it's the actual bugs as well... The other night I emptied a whole can of Doom on one of those giant roaches and it just wouldn't die. It was WHITE I had sprayed it so much. Even after it had been split in two with a well aimed shoe, it was still wagging its feelers at me. I think it's part of some bug conspiracy - slowly the humans will Doom/Baygon themselves to death and bugs will take over the world...

tyrone said...

Hermaphrodite could be nice and convenient - I'd never have to go out. But who would I speak to? If I did decide to take someone home, I guess it opens the options up.

Could I have two? Would it be double the fun?

livingladolcevita said...

LOL! Sorry lady, but bloody hell. Hil.ar.i.ous!

Poor cleavage though...

Boomkind said...

Repeat after me..." spiders are our friends...Spiders are our friends"!

Peas on Toast said...

Quarterlife - I had an issue with this too. I have since bought some convenient little BAIT STATIONS. They kill them fast and quickly and now they're all gone. sTICK THEM UNDER THE SINK, IN THE BATHROOM, EVERYWHERE.

Bait stations I tell you!

Tyronr - you could FOURGY'S baby! Just choose a swedish set of twisn with very open minds :)

Dolce - crisis hey. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Boomkind - and if they snacked between your boobies would you say the same thing?

happy snapper said...

Wow Peas, Im not gonna lie. That takes some serious talent to be bitten in your cleavage and within close range of your poen!
Sexual healing would be fun though, but without spidy in that picture. Im sure he could take a break for a night ;)

Peas on Toast said...

snapper - haha why thanks. It's like I have some kind of directional device steering these bastards towards my private regions. Weird eh?
;)

Revolving Credit said...

On the subject of spider poen.. tell use.. how long has it been?....are there really cobwebs?

Peas on Toast said...

There're never cobwebs on my chassis, Rev.
:)

Revolving Credit said...

Jusr bite marks?

Revolving Credit said...

Your chassis?

Well, I suppose that cobwebs are probably better than rust!

Imagine that, rusty poen.
Would that make you a redhead??

Peas on Toast said...

YUCK, THERE'S NO FANTA PANTS HERE! HEY!

Revolving Credit said...

To avoid rust, keep it well lubricated.

Revolving Credit said...

To avoid spiders, get a chameleon.

(Well, any long tongued creature will do)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks for all the adWISE, Revered KY.

:)

Revolving Credit said...

Go forth and lubricate, my child!

kyknoord said...

So do you have super powers yet?

Peas on Toast said...

You mean above and beyond the ones I already possess, Kyk? ;)

Shaheen said...

A few months ago my wife got bitten on the eye by a spider. And it's the end of the month and we need to go shopping. Off to the Waterfront then...
I swear EVERY woman within visual range gave me that evil "wifebeater a$$ehole" look.