Thursday, May 14, 2009

the menial conversations that make up my day

Instructor: ‘That’s preposterous, Peas. Get back on that ball, and mount it properly!’

‘Er…ok, sorry. It’s just that I haven’t mounted anything for some time.’


Silence. In the pilates class.

A dumbbell falls to the ground.

‘Strictly speaking….’


Mum: So. Your step-father got his camera stolen. On the beach.

Peas: In Rio you glue your camera to your crotch, what were you doing?

Mum: Swimming. And then they swiped it.


So he thought about scooping up the dog pooh on the pavement, shoving it into the empty camera case, planting it on the beach and watching what happens from the window of our hotel.

Peas: Now THAT’S not a bad idea. Of course the German would come up with something that cunning.

Mum: But then his son reminded him that they’d probably be watching, find him and kill him as we exit the hotel.

Peas: True. Consequence could be a bitch.


Dove: Hey slappertits.

Peas: You called?

Dove: Haven’t worn my bright purple shoes to the office yet. Everyone’s going to be like, ‘WTF are you wearing?’

Peas: Tin Man over here thinks you should do it anyway.

Peas: Whatchareckon a Persian carpet goes for in Turkey?

Colleague: Apparently more than at Rosebank fleamarket. They’re probably better quality here too.

Peas: That’s not cool.

No no. When you go to Ireland, you buy the leprechaun. When you go France, you buy the fuzzy Eiffel Tower in the flag colours. When you go to Germany you buy a piece of the Wall. When you go Kenya, you buy bongo drums. In Turkey you buy CARPETS.

Colleague: Or hubbly bubblies.

Peas: Group wank. Turkish Delight might have to do. Or a mini ornamental Turkish Bath! On a doily! Yesssss!


Moogs: So the Vaal this weekend is going to be so much fun.

Peas: Well with you and Dick turning 30, I might have to buy you guys Zimmer frames for your birthdays.


Only jokes only jokes. You guys are so YOUNG. And carefree! And 30.

Moogs: Well we’re basically non-stop partying for almost 72 hours.

Peas: I’m going to need Red Bull, Prohep, aspirin, milk thistle, an IV drip and a good kick up the pants. Triple benders are a DEFINITELY a thing of the past.

Moogs: Shape up, Toast.



Revolving Credit said...

That's right, shape up and mount that ball properly!

I take it that lighting a cigarette in the pilates class after mounting the ball would be frowned upon??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - sadly yes. I tried that once.


po said...

Those balls are difficult to mount, aren't they? I have one at home and am always falling off. Have you tried standing on one? Bad idea.

Do you think ball size is related to ease of mounting? Maybe there should be a field study :)

Peas on Toast said...

po - definitely. Ball size is directly proportional to mount easibility. And this was one large ball.


And nope standing on one would mean certain death!

po said...

I thought your parentals tried to ban you from going to Rio? And now they are there?

tyrone said...

Yes, shape up Peas! No half-cocked efforts at Lakeside!

And let me tell you, if I was the ball, standing on me would definitely result in death. For both parties I should think.

There is a technique for mounting balls standing up.

Peas on Toast said...

po - yeah I know. But they're all old and sensible so they seem to think they'd be safer going, because 'Peas isn't sensible.' Drives me CRAZY BECAUSE I AM THE MOST FUCKING SENSIBLE WOMAN ON THE PLANET. Pah! Look who got his camera stolen!

(I raved on about it so much, they decided to go themselves.)

Tyrone - and what is the technique exactly? I just roll on them and do push ups on them and stuff that doesn't involve too much balance...

tyrone said...

Doesn't sound like you're advanced enough on the balls for me to share... I wouldn't want you injuring yourself because of me.

Besides, I would normally charge for this type of, um, advice so a public blog might not be the right forum for me to share this information. I wouldn't want to devalue my IP you know.

Peas on Toast said...

Sure, I totally understand :)

And hey, I prefer rolling over them anyways! :)
Ha :)

tyrone said...

That's what all beginners say.

All Hail said...

Hells bells Peas. You're a right rebel arent you? Like your style!

On the balance situ - ever tried balancing on a medicine ball? Awesome times for your core and abs.

Those Bosou's(half ball on a base)are all kinds of rad too. Try flipping that over (base side up), putting your one foot on the one side, while holding the other side and then balance while placing the other foot on (evenly). Then push your weight from side to side. Take's a bit of practice but pretty fun when you get the hang of it!

Rio's a blast - just not sure I'd ever go back. Best Caiprinha in the world - boozed on the first sip!

Peas on Toast said...

All Hail - why hello there!
Firstly - stop stop - you say you wouldn't visit Rio again? Seriously?
God I could go there every year if I had the shekles! :)

The balancing ball thing sounds liek a challenge - I'm in! I could do with some alignment in that department - will ask my instructor for the half-base ball!

frozen-heart said...

the dum belle who fell to the floor woulda been me, shocked out of all hell to find myself in such a ball balancing, mounting jol!

btw; your blog yesterday touched a deep place in me that i battle with, couldna comment yesterday for the choke of up words but all hail! victorious Peas! and to all you others out there winning out hard times! ((hugs))
thank you Peas for sharing :) nifty bit of words strung together there girlfriend! added some sense into my maddened reality. ta x

All Hail said...

Really? I went there for a conference and the 3 full days we spent there and the whole 2 days of travelling kinda took the fun out of it!

Hated the food too. But it is breathtakingly beautiful. I just think I've been there, done that, sipped a Pina Colada on Copacabana, came back to SA with pneumonia. Do I really need to see it again?

It's another place with Live sex shows on every corner and since I was with collegues I wasnt particularly keen of checking them out in fear of what I might see co-workers doing.

Have you ever been to Help!? OMFG Hilarious times!
How did you find the locals?

And a word on the muggings - about 20 out of our group of 150 were mugged. Dodgy characters from the Favellas.

Def ask your trainer - some great lower ab exercises on the Bosou. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Frozen - thanks for your kind words my dear! I'm glad it touched something within you. It means people can relate and I'm happy xx

All Hail - shit, ok not such a great experience. I didnt see any live sex shows and I didnt get mugged. Also wasn't working or come back with pneumonia, so all in all I understand.
I absolutely loved it though. I'll definitely be back.

Charmskool said...

Yay Peas! You just go on being my hero(ine) I fell off the ball once and all I got was a cold glare from the muscley hunk of a personal trainer because I couldn't stop giggling - I wish I coulda said what you did - that'd wipe the snooty glare off his dial. By the way thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for keeping on blogging. Today I'm so depressed I could go to bed - what with Kyknoord announcing that he's stopped - I hope he changes his mind (but I know he won't will he?)

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - damn that bloody trainer for giving you the cold stare - falling off a ball is ALWAYS funny as far as I'm concerned - because it's never classy-looking. Frankly he should've cracked a smile!

And yip, I hear you Charm - I'm completely flat after hearing about the disappearance of Kyk. Totally not cool, am completely depressed! :(

tyrone said...

Charm - Don't feel bad! I look liked a plonker at yoga yesterday - trying to do that thing where you put your feet behind your head and then into a shoulder balance... Even set off a couple of giggles around me when I fell over. Twice. Tee hee!

It's only me 2nd class and being a gym/rugby oke, I'm not made for stretch and balance! :)

Must have been pretty hilarious to watch!