Wednesday, May 13, 2009
one year anniversary
Just over a year ago, my life changed. Pretty rash statement, sure, but it really fucking had to.
Just after a break-up that hurt me, a smash and grab, and losing my job all in the same week. Other shit kept on happening too, including my rat dying. Three huge things happened, and they all gutted me completely.
I had a rat. Chad. And he was actually very nice. So shuttup then.
It all became better the moment I started my job. This time last year.
So much great stuff has happened since I started this job that it's only right I toast to a one year anniversary, and to my place of work. It's been absolutely incredible so far.
Last night I pulled out the private diary I wrote during the period of Hell. Preceding the life-changing moment. Out of curiosity.
I banged away at a diary for two months in rage, fear and absolute sadness, that I stored on my PC.
Looking at it, it's filled with complete anguish, I'm astounded that I felt that shit, seriously.
I even seemed to retain some element of sanity throughout it all, I'm proud to declare. One does the best they can when they're too scared to drive, can't go anywhere because they have no job and therefore no petrol money anyway, and when you feel so alone and cut up, you can barely breathe.
I've pulled out a few excerpts. The more colourful stuff is on my other blog.***
I don't know anything. I'm finding it hard to breathe nevermind actually think or motivate myself to do anything, the sadness I feel feels terminal..
Jolly good thing it wasn't. Hell.
I'm feeling panicky about driving home through town. God, what to do, what to do. Find online Sudoku. Now. Or go mad with fear. How can a cellphone knife-toting thief take away my sense of security? I feel like I'm in prison.
Driving home from my old job after the mugging was hell. The mental preparation. I was ramping over pavements, going through red robots, doing anything that meant I didn't have to actually stop my car on the way home.
Because life can't get worse – surely – than this right now. OK so if I dont get a salary, then maybe it can get worse, but please God, Universe, anybody, may I get a salary. Please.
Oh but it did get worse. My boss announced our investors had suddenly pulled out and therefore I had no salary and no job. Didn't have to drive into town anymore, but had to drive to a therapist twice a week. I was a wreck.
I started making plans to either move to London and get the fuck out of here as quickly as possible, OR if I got through the long interviews with this company and they hire me, I'll stay.
Just had to take Lion with me to go around the block to draw money. I'm absolutely feeling crippled by fear. Fear of being mugged again, or having a disgusting thief in my space, fear of being alone, fear of depression so deep I'll never be the same again- and fear of my job and where it's going – or if it's even going – and fear of the fifth interview. I have to focus on the next interview tomorrow. This could change my life.
I won't even think of the writer's meeting tomorrow night IN TOWN - wait get home first without having a panic attack– that's going to be hard, I get scared, very scared.
Driving was such an issue. I still get antsy about people coming up to my car.
So now that I've sunk into a complete depression, what the fuck to do now. Had to drive through town last night - thought I was going to vomit – and came home to find that my flatmate had left the back gate open. Again.
The world found Vernon, and he saved my life for one day:
Thanks Vernon Koekemoer for making my morning so far. Jesus what a hilarious distraction. He's this dude from Boksburg raving it up in Buffalo's, polyshorts and a mullet. Thank fuck for vernon, he made me belly laugh today. And that's quite something.
I've been retrenched. I'm still aching, and sitting catatonic on the couch at home and have swallowed 2 caribbean twists. not able to think or do anything.
Then after some weeks of nothingness,
My feet aren't on the ground, my head is the clouds, I'm off to London and Dublin next week, why? The most exciting and amazing thing just happened! I cannot quite EXPRESS THE EXCITEMENT. What is happening, what is happening.
No ways. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS I FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE WON THE LOTTERY.
I got the job.
Overnight, I was propelled out of the funk, my attitude towards pretty much everything also changed, and I have my job to thank.
I look at these excerpts here and just have this to say,
'Chick, please never ever ever feel like that ever again.'
*** Juuuuuust kidding, jerkoffs.