Thursday, June 04, 2009

is it friday yet?


You know you’ve had less stressful days at work when:

You drink Heineken at 5:00pm.
Not out of choice. Out of delivery. Beggars can’t be choosers, and fuck did it go down like a hash brown in China Town. When Farmer Brown dresses up like a clown. And doesn’t know the definition of a noun and has a down down on the crown. Of his head.

You say obscene things at high-tempo and regularly, in a public arena, while clumps of hair start falling out of your skull
The last I remember was something like, “Oh my shattered FUCK. Balls. Round balls, oval balls, hairy balls, bouncy balls, low-hung balls, I’m about to have a FUCKEN heart attack over here.”

You miss pilates
Now not being the most avid sportswoman on the planet – still don’t get, or understand the rules thereof, or can justify, cricket or golf – gaaaad - however I am loyal to my pilates class. For one, I go with a partner which is good motivation, and two, double-timing on stomach crunches over a beach ball does tend to release the frustration of the day.

No, instead I was working late. Pawing at my face like a mental patient.

You rip a nail open and don’t even notice
Fully.
It was off the chain.

Thinking of the exotic location you’ll be in 10 days from now doesn’t even cross your mind
I have the Wallpaper Guide of Istanbul in front of my screen. And haven’t even demarcated the pages. Although we’ll be working, we’re also planning to see shit. Been told two things: 1) Have to go to the Blue Mosque and wear tea cosies on our heads. 2) Have to get a Turkish massage. Where a dude in a turban scrubs you raw with a loofah (I also wondered why this would be especially nice), and then massages you, and although unpleasant at times – you feel rather good afterwards.

While you thought you were a reasonable Type A, you’re actually not
Type A – get riled up easily; reactive; actions. Type B - chilled; handles a crisis with composure and indifference; thinks. Who the FUCK was I kidding. Type A. Extreme. End of spectrum. At least today. Tomorrow I shalt keep my cool and just surrender.
[Try to rely on the smidgeon of my French genetics, maybe.]

Turn to the Choonz collection.
This is dangerous. I’ve made many of my mates a Choonz CD. It’s my…personal compilation. And Christ Tobias, if it isn’t full of the best [porno] 80s and 90s shit the Earth has offer. The lucky fuckers who have received one of these bad boys from me, mostly listen to it once, admire the artwork on the front drawn in erratic koki pen, withChoonz – Orgasmic Tracks Of Magic scrawled across the front, and retire it to the back of the TV cabinet very shortly thereafter. E2 got me on Choonz again because she actually quite fucking liked it. It was their latest roadtrip CD! How amazing? She’s even commissioned a Choonz 2 – boy is she in for a special treat.

That Nissan Livina
Pick. A. Lane.

PS: Doesn’t your head have to be above the steering wheel in order to have a driver’s license? It’s time for that Skegway, Nan.

12 comments:

icepick said...

According to Seinfeld, one just needs a hat and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel. :)

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - was he referring to George?

;)

po said...

Farmer Brown's crown would sure make me frown more than any misplaced noun or a tacky night gown.

See you roun.....d

Peas on Toast said...

po - Genius. WAY better than mine. Nine out of nine. Ow, my spine is not fine. Do you like pine. Cones?

icepick said...

haha old people in general I believe - in accordance with:
"At what age do u think u have to be, to back out of your drive way without looking?".
OR
"leaving the indicator on since they left the house that morning - commonly known as an 'eventual' turn"

Peas on Toast said...

hahaha icepick!

Don't joke - I grew up in a small town filled with old people. A real gas, sure.

But what they'd do is turn THEN indicate. So once they'd actually turned a corner, they'd decide to put the flicker on afterwards. Bloody hell, WHY?

po said...

Can I have some red wine with my pine? My spine is also not fine. It must be a crappy design.

frozen-heart said...

old people small town ... think Swellendam
think
blue GTI Golf4 (was mine)
think
purple Fiat Uno (old laydee's)
think
key broken off in drivers door lock
think
mine blue golf!!!!!
think
WTF???? dont need to open golf door with key!
think
purple Uno MINUS one key
think
Old Laydee stood at MY BLUE CAR confused shitless staring at the butt end of her broken off key :S
think
me, coming out of pharmacy where I have just had my BP checked! clicking remote from a wee distance to find it has just woken old laydee out of her confused trance!
think
the cheek of her still arguing the point that my BLUE golf is indeed her PURPLE uno ....
er ....
FUCK! ok,

you will unnerstand why i had to trade this baby in on the newer Golf 5 ... a RED ONE!

god help any ole fuck that brings a red uno into this town! i WILL move!

indicators? what's those?

Peas on Toast said...

po - yeah my spine is also not a straight line. Maybe it's got something to do with our endocrine. Glands ?
;)

frozen - sheesh, sorry that's pretty funny! ;)And at end of the day - a Golf 5 in RED - very very very niiiice! :)

po said...

Sweeet one Peas, this is the problem with playing word games with a journalist(?), your vocab is huge. I'm a freaking biologist and I never thought of "endocrine".

icepick said...

"is it friday yet? "

It is now.

Dam straight :)

Peas on Toast said...

po - haha, no I still think yours were better than mine even if I am a writer! Biologist, your vocab makes me HOT! :)

icepick - fucken finally !