Friday, July 17, 2009

my club & taking stock

So, what have I done for my sordid state of consciousness this week?

[I’m a self-correctional maniac at the moment. So I do apologise for thinking out loud in advance].

1) Booked in for a massage and facial on Saturday morning. Stress has caused my back to muscularly-implode, if not go on a full-on vertebrae strike. I don’t do the regular massage thing; it’s usually a present or a special occasion. But this is an emergency, just short of going to a fucken chiropractor. Or buying a fuck-off ergonomic chair.

2) Speaking of strikes, and the French inclination to strike every time someone so much as drops a spoon, I’ve done it; I’ve joined a club. After exhaustative research, involving criteria like:

i) Do they throw in consumer merchandise emblazoned with said club jingles all over it, [ “Bats Rule, So Get Bent”], like fridge magnets or oven mitts? Or an ironing board cover? Even if I don’t use it? Which I won’t?

ii) Are they weird? The people I will be spending time with at this club, are they nuttier than a fruitcake?

ii) Do they dress only in black and discuss wingspans?

iv) Will I learn something and meet interesting people, andhave fun and do cool stuff?

v) And most importantly – will I be top of the class? I’m competitive like that.

With all these criteria in mind, and also because it will help my career, I have chosen to do Advanced French.
I’m going to French it the fuck up.

I’m going to capitalise on what already I know, crank it up to turbo speed, eat a baguette twice a week, and get to parlez-vous with people who already speak the language. And therefore also satisfy my intense thirst for European culture at the same time.

I’m now a proud member of the Alliance Francaise in Johannesburg.

[Sidenote: Google French military victories and click ‘I’m Feeling Lucky.’ Now there’s search engine humour if I’ve ever seen it:]

I have night classes that only begin in September, but with any luck, I’ll ace them. Because I speaka ze Franch already, alors.

After two months of that, I’ll join the Goethe Institute and see if I have better success learning German there than the online modules I’ve been fannying about with.

And maybe, just maybe, I will get to wear a beret and have conversations about the consistency of foie gras from the Gascogne.

Please may not all my class members be over 70. Please. For the love of bollocks, please.

3) I have gone to bed naked at least 4 times this week. SCORE.
It was cold, but then, that’s why I have a dildo and that’s why I sleep on 200 threadcount sheets, so…do one.

4) Haven’t had my howl yet. Need to cash in. Wwas aiming to do so tonight, but have a dinner in the south with Ant. Was close yesterday, and then figured I just need to rip open a bottle of Diemersfontein, whack on a Whitney, and think about my frustrating love life.

I’ll ghd my hair for the occasion.

If you knew what was going on my world and head right now, well, it’s a long story, and it’s a frustrating one.
Let’s just say I’m at least 10 000 kilometres of where I’d like to be. But then, next week I might not want to be there at all. God, my poor head.

Yeah, that should get the tears rolling. Wish me luck. I’m hostess of one helluva pity party tonight, before dinner. When I’m done, I’ll actually spend the rest of the weekend in a social embrace.

But for now, check my bad self out. I’m actioning shit. Maybe I’m not even a total and complete loser.

Oh and a really cool celebrity gave me cold sore advice.

I don’t get to say that everyday.

Cut it, edit it, wrap it up, and make it a music video.


puffin said...

fucking brilliant mind you have peas. i would want to live in your head for a day. seriously. now cut that up, edit it and make it a music video : D

Peas on Toast said...

puffin - aw that's the nicest thing I've heard all week!

Living in my head for a week...I wonder if you'll ever be the same/return to normal?

Or it could be like dropping acid in a crowded night club in a foreign country ;)

Secret said...

I was totally looking forward to giggling my ass off at the "french military victoires" thing, but our effing firewall had to get in the way.
It ruined my morning.
Good luck with the franch. I tried online modules with Greek - would you have guessed that it doesnt work so well?!

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - with Greek? That's brave!
It's hard enough wiss ze German/Chairman!

Damn your firewall to hell :)

Mickey G said...

France is the only country to pick a fight with itself and lose.

I have a few french mates and nothing gets them going more than walking into their house waving a white flag.

I wouldn't suggest you try that at your french lessons though. They might use some choice french words you wouldn't have learnt yet.

Peas on Toast said...


Classic and so fucking true. My mother's side of the family are French, and that flag shit would have them bouncing off ceilings with rage.

Another thing you can try - although this gets my French blood boiling too - is the mispronunciation of words.

One of my mates once said 'braai' instead of brie. And Champs Elysees is another...said exactly like you write it...eeeeeek!

Amy said...

Lol. I have a friend who says he would hate to be inside my head and that he would probably need a holiday after....he says if my lifestyle is any reflection of my thought processes,it would exhaust him. It probably has something to do with the fact that one of my greatest fears is running out of time in my lifetime to do everything I want to. Well done on the french class, I did some Spanish last year and am now mulling over going back to my art classes. Au revoir!

janita said...

And the cold-sore advice was?