Thursday, July 16, 2009
the human pretzel
Pilates Instructor: No Peas. No. The reason you’re flopping over like a dog is because…
Peas:… this is the single most painful thing I’ve had to do in five years?
Instructor: Aw come on.
Peas: Not counting the time I got whacked in the mouth with a golf club?
Instructor:…it's because your hamstrings are taking over.
Peas: You go boys. You take over. Well done. And thank you.
Instructor: No. You see, you actually have to flex your glute.
Peas: I think there’s a reason these bad boys are taking over. It’s probably because I have a cramp the size of Estonia in my leg.
Peas: You're joking right?
Instructor: Now flex your foot.
Peas:…um hello. I’m twisted like a pretzel. Get bent. Oh wait…that’s me.
Instructor: Relax your [fucking] hamstrings!
Peas: You tell them to relax. It’s not me, it’s them.
Instructor: Now flex. Flex. NOW PEAS. NOW.
Peas: I would if I could feel my legs. Is this what an epidural feels like?
Instructor: Maybe we should try something else. Right. Bend backwards over the box with your legs in the air, and your hands behind your head.
Peas: Again. I’m kind of stuck. Ooh. How cute is my baby toe bunion at close range? Check him out. Come on. Do it. C’mon DO. It. Check him, do it.
Instructor: [Pulls leg, almost clean out of its socket.] [With a resounding thunk.]
Peas: For the love of GOD WOMAN. You seriously need to do one, torturous thing from the underworld of darkness.
Amazing really. I could swear I’m two inches longer than I was yesterday.
Came home, in a make believe wheelchair, and realised three very profound things:
1) Bill Bryson, is, in fact, funnier than Jeremy Clarkson. Well of course he is, I haven’t read all of his books twice – thrice! – for nothing.
2) Woollies, although literally unheard of in Wonderbra circles, makes one helluva push-up bra these days. Time to shop elsewhere gran, Woollies is looking after my noombies baby.
3) Nope. Still don’t understand men.