Thursday, July 16, 2009

the human pretzel


Pilates Instructor: No Peas. No. The reason you’re flopping over like a dog is because…

Peas:… this is the single most painful thing I’ve had to do in five years?

Instructor: Aw come on.

Peas: Not counting the time I got whacked in the mouth with a golf club?

Instructor:…it's because your hamstrings are taking over.

Peas: You go boys. You take over. Well done. And thank you.

Instructor: No. You see, you actually have to flex your glute.

Peas: I think there’s a reason these bad boys are taking over. It’s probably because I have a cramp the size of Estonia in my leg.

Instructor: Now…stretch.

Peas: You're joking right?

Instructor: Now flex your foot.

Peas:…um hello. I’m twisted like a pretzel. Get bent. Oh wait…that’s me.

Instructor: Relax your [fucking] hamstrings!

Peas: You tell them to relax. It’s not me, it’s them.

Instructor: Now flex. Flex. NOW PEAS. NOW.

Peas: I would if I could feel my legs. Is this what an epidural feels like?

Instructor: Maybe we should try something else. Right. Bend backwards over the box with your legs in the air, and your hands behind your head.

Peas: Again. I’m kind of stuck. Ooh. How cute is my baby toe bunion at close range? Check him out. Come on. Do it. C’mon DO. It. Check him, do it.

Instructor: [Pulls leg, almost clean out of its socket.] [With a resounding thunk.]

Peas: For the love of GOD WOMAN. You seriously need to do one, torturous thing from the underworld of darkness.

Amazing really. I could swear I’m two inches longer than I was yesterday.

Came home, in a make believe wheelchair, and realised three very profound things:

1) Bill Bryson, is, in fact, funnier than Jeremy Clarkson. Well of course he is, I haven’t read all of his books twice – thrice! – for nothing.
2) Woollies, although literally unheard of in Wonderbra circles, makes one helluva push-up bra these days. Time to shop elsewhere gran, Woollies is looking after my noombies baby.
3) Nope. Still don’t understand men.

25 comments:

All Hail said...

Noombies! Ha! Haven't heard boobs referred to as 'Noombies' for yonks! ;)

And I'm completely with you on the 'still don't understand men' part. Hallelujah. Amen. <---funny how that word seems so apt doesn't it?

icepick said...

Sometimes I cant stand Jeremey Clarkson and his whining on Top Gear. He is always bitching, especially when its a car he doesn't fancy driving. Fak, it can get annoying...
(ive just started watching episode after episode - starting with Season 1)

Which begs the question, What size do noombies have to be, before they are called noombies? Cos ive noticed my once weightless upper body, has begun to extend outwards somehow. GF says i have boobs. I disagree.

Which comes to number 3...Basic survival for men, relies on 4 simple, environmentally friendly activities... Sex, TV, Food, and sleep - without any interference, and most prob in that order.
Or if you like to mix things up... give him sex while he watches TV. Or feed him while he's asleep.

If you can do the above, I'm yours! :)

Peas on Toast said...

All Hail - yay for noombies! :)

Amen. I'm starting to think I don't understand chicks either as well. Am I turning androgynous? Good thing I still have noombies right? ;)

icepick - I can DEFINITELY do that, mix it up, and in any order he pleases. If it's that simple, what's holding me back right? ;)

Yes and I agree - the ONLY reason - ONLY reason I love Top Gear so much is because of the Hammond. Hammond is why I watch it. :)

icepick said...

Hammond and his white teeth!! haha

Peas on Toast said...

ooooh ooh I haven't even picked up on that yet - he has especially white teeth?

My GOD, I am in love now. This is not just infatuation, this is love baby.

icepick said...

Or this Stig...

Some say his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight, and that his tears are adhesive...all we know...

Stig-isms.. :)

icepick said...

For 3 entire episodes, they ripped him off about this extremely white teeth - saying that he got them whitened. But his defense is that they are naturally that white. :)

Oh and apparently he has a gay face? Like Harry Potther.

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - yes the Stig can stay - apparently has has ONE HELLUVA personality.. :)

Serious? He got them whitened? AH BLESS, that makes him even MORE lovable - he's...like fallible and everything! He's human, YAY!
:)

He has a very pretty face. I have to agree :)

icepick said...

is gay pretty?

Oh and im rather surprised u having trouble with men... You watch Top Gear - fanatically? You clearly have quite the dirty sense of humour - dildo's, sexcapades. You have an awesome job? And you do pilates - flexibility..

Where u looking for the Male Phenomena? in Mordor?

Must be that analytical brain ey? :P

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - oooh you make me blush, seriosuly :)
teehee

No I'm just very guarded with whom I choose to spend my...sexual time...if you will?

I'm just not putting myself out there at all. It's an issue, I do realise. Working through it as we speak - and have set mini-goals for myself each week.

I have completely disregarded men, and I'm scared it's become permanent.

But those are other issues for other days right? (yawn)

8ball said...

This Pilates seems a hell of a show
But perhaps I really should go
Would be pretty cool
though I'd look a right fool
To scratch my ear with my toe

icepick said...

hahaha mini-goals?

Gawd, I sincerely hope u dont need blueprints and a compass the next time u...

Ps. Pilates VS yoga?

Peas on Toast said...

8Ball - you should china. Minus me, there are a LOT of tasty bendy girls in that class! :)

icepick - I've done pilates and yoga, and they're both awesome. Pilates though is all about tha tonage and bendage and the breathing :)

icepick said...

That conscious breathing thing is quite a rush. Though it fucks with my sub-conscious breathing technique.

Peas on Toast said...

It's crazy - she bends me into these shapes, while flexing muscles and all this, and all with the heavy breathing - and at the time, although painful, seems fairly innocuous. (Not counting last night).

The suddenly, I have trouble walkign cos I have muscles where I never thought muscles were meant to exist.

icepick said...

Like the one, in ones anus - to which they even have a name for it..

But I know what u mean. Yoga kills, slowly.

getaway said...

Yoga!! After the instructor - who has an amazing physic for her age mind you - told me to stand on ma'head - NO HANDS, they never saw me again.

hmm maybe i should be more open minded to bendability ey?? I too believe that there are laws about these things.

Noombies!!

Peas on Toast said...

getaway - NOOMBIES!

How is it physically possible to stand on one's head without the use of arms?? Was she high? As a kite maybe? ;)

tyrone said...

Ladies, ladies, ladies! Not all boys are un-understandable, just like not all women are admin.

But yes, one does find cookedness out there. Isn't that what makes it exciting?

I'm just as guilty of putting all women into the admin / crazy / difficult box. But maybe I'm just trying too hard or expecting too much?

So now I've decided that I'm not going to stop looking, but I'm going to look with the primary objective of just having fun and enjoying company, and a secondary objective of meeting someone special.

Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. But if I'm already classifying before I have that dinner or drink, I already have one foot out of the box.

That said, I think the biggest reason the sexes misunderstand one another is a lack of communication. One is interested, one isn't. Communicate it so the expectations can match.



OK! So yoga is really cool! You can stand on your head without your hands... The move I saw isn't really your head though, it's more like on the back of your kneck... But you do still use your arms to balance.

I was sore EVERYWHERE after one yoga class.

And the view is AMAZING. Funny, ALL the girls in the class were HOT. Maybe they were or maybe they put drugs in the air or maybe the sight of all those spandex-clad-bodies doing donuts and things made me all starry-eyed?

Yum!

tyrone said...

Oh, and I'm happy to host a roundtable discussion over a bottle (or three) of Diemers to discuss understanding men and yoga / pilates.

Ladies might have to come in spandex though.

Peas on Toast said...

haha Tyrone - I like the yoga...angles you are talking about buddy :)

No for sure, about the stereotyping - I certainly don't think all men are bad! No ways, I wouldn't think that, ever.

My issues have to do with how I don't run away to actually opening up to actually making an effort. But I still just don't understand them, and have come to the conclusion I never really will.

Peas on Toast said...

PS: A roundtable is an EXCLLENT idea - where we can all hash out Venus/Mars problems over a bottle of Diemers! Whose in? I'm in!

tyrone said...

Spandex!

tyrone said...

Interesting article on Pilates:

http://pilates.about.com/od/historyofpilates/a/JPilates.htm

Revolving Credit said...

Are you attending Pilates or Dominatrix classes?