Tuesday, July 14, 2009

nakedness, cathartic howling & flying creatures of the macabre

I promised myself this week that I would do something – actually action something to get me out of this awful, depressed I-Hate-Joburg rut I have found myself in over the last few weeks.

Getting myself to actually step out of a bad comfort zone and do something different is another ball game altogether, so I’m going to have to start slowly.

Otherwise it’ll sit on a list and I’ll never do it. Baby steps.

Maybe teensy little things that automatically make me feel better. Or things that can propel me into a new space.

My three objectives for this week:

Be naked as much as possible
It’s simple – you start to lose your sense of sexuality, or any iota of sensual awareness when you’ve been wearing clothes for too long. For the last few months, I’ve been layering and pairing fucking vests, stockings, socks and coats, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to actually show a little skin already.

I’m not talking about going outside in the freezing cold without a bloody jersey, but sleeping naked. Prancing about my house naked. Dancing in front of the mirror naked. I used to do this shit. In summer. And it felt good, albeit scary for any neighbours.

The one thing that got me all excited about the concept of Mozambique is being able to direct my big, fat white ass towards the sun, in a bikini. Suncream, skin in the open.
What does that even feel like anymore?

I’ll bust up the heat in my flat and go full out starkers as much as possible. Attend to simple things like body butter on my stomach, where before now, I was so cold, I’d jump from the bath and straight into my fucking Bridget Jones winter pyjamas. No lathering of cream.

No. No more. I’m sleeping in Chanel No. 5 going forward. Only Chanel Number 5. It worked for Marilyn, and it’s going to fucking work for me. Even if I’m the only one smelling it.

I’m a girl, I really should be doing more of this. I realised I haven’t cried – like properly wept, in months. I’ve been close. There’ve been a few tears, but it’s short lived, and it’s usually because of something like MJ dying.

I think I need a good old fashioned howl. Enough Whitney Houston will do the trick.

Join a club or go to fucking gym
I’m looking at clubs before I look at gym. Something I might even enjoy see.

Did you know there’s a fucking Bat Club? The Gauteng Bat Interest Group. I jest it not – can’t find a bloody ‘Let’s Talk German And Swig On Frothing Tankards Of Ale Club’ – oh no – but it seems there are a few questionable people in this city who have a bit of thing for bats.

How very odd. I like it.

I’m thinking they probably all dress up like BatMan and drink absinthe while doing weird pagan rituals while hanging upside down. Maybe, maybe maybe it’s just a front for a really really cool club.

Or of course, they really could just be interested in bats. Bat wingspans, bat crap, bat anatomy, bat diet, bat mating habits.
Maybe I should go, I mean, I’ll let everyone else cover the usual dinner party topics of marriage, politics, religion and economic crises, and I’ll fill in the blanks with random pieces of bat trivia:

‘They say the economic crisis is on an up, but by next year, it will double bounce and be on the down again.’

Peas: Yeah, I heard that bats are known to eat whole bananas in Hawaii.

‘I think we’re going to try and get pregnant this year.’

Peas: Yeah…did you know if bats fly into your hair, they’ll crap, and then tear your hair out.


Nessers said...

I am with you on two of your three - I have cried way too much lately but I am very keen to be naked again preferably with someone else but seeing as how that is not going to happen I will do it by myself as for the club thing - I am finally going back to gym so the bod will be acceptable by summer - good idea there young Peas

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - aw :( I'm sorry to hear you've been crying too much lately. :( Big hugs for Nessers!

I am on the brink of always crying...just feeling blah and flat and stuff. Last night I threw on some Whitney, but still, no tears.

Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know!

Nessers said...

Thanks Peas - all will be better in time its all part of the healing process. If you really want to cry watch a really sad DVD like Message in a bottle - the ending will destroy you and if you don't cry you are made of steel - crying is the path to healing so I just cry whenever it comes even at work in front of the PC - my boss thinks I am falling apart I am sure but he is really sweet and never comments hehe

All Hail said...

Dude! What is it with being single for a while? Do we, as ladies, lose all emotional capacity when sans partner?

The only time I've cried in the last 6 months was during MJ's memorial - especially when little Paris said she loved her daddy. Glory be, then those buggers streammed out of me but prior to that, not even on my worst of days have I been able to cop a tear. WTF?

I'm with you on the not bothering to lather up after a bath but have been trying very hard of late. it doesn't help that during the winter I seem to eat anything that isn't bolted down.

Its a winter disease really. I call it fatf*ckalitis - which I will hopefully overcome when I get rid of this chest infection and eventually be allowed to hit gym again.

You on your own with the Bat-men - I'm thinking of taking another dance class and training for the 'mini' triathlon or two I'm doing in October if you're keen? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - yhe ending will destroy you.....well as lovely as that sounds Nessers, I was looking more for a little cathartic wail than a life changing apocalyptic fucked-upness cry...but perhaps I should try something like...Love Actually? Does make me cry everytime without destroying me :)
I'm sorry to hear you've been battling recently - and I hope some smiles come out of it soon!

All Hail - I totally hear you mate. We suddenly lose all that emotional, womanly-type natural cry-on-impact ability when we're single. What gives? Perhaps because we have no one to look after us, so we just have to get on with things and be a MAN?

Christ. Dancing class sounds great - I loved it last time, so perhaps not a bad idea to head back to hip hop class!

Secret said...

I must say - I am not much of a nakedness person, apart from showering and such. I dont like sleeping without clothes, generally I like clothes. Maybe im retarded. Hmmm.

As for crying. Well. I do that all.the.time. Sad movie, recent boyfriend, Stacey Kent - Im the reason Cape town is flooding at the moment.

All Hail - touching on MJ...funny how he is the worlds greatest saint now that he is dead?

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - ok I'm going to try and do this: take all my baggage and squeeze it into one memory, put on Whitney Houston, watch Gorillas In The Mist - and yes that should work. I'd howl for days!


PS: Being naked RULES. :)

All Hail said...

Dancing is dual purpose - happiness enducing AND body defining. Tick

Secret - Good God, for sure, and though I grew up doing dance exams to his tracks, I don't, for one second, think he was a saint. He was one very messed up individual and I think a lifetime in the spotlight will do that to a person. It's more about the loss of an icon of our era than the loss of a (suspected)kiddy-fiddler.

When one dies surely we wish to only remember the good and forget the bad?

Secret said...

Certainly, but what irritates me is that he was otracised to no end while he was alive and now that he is gone, everything is forgotten?
I never paid much attention to his trial (thats because I think the media coverage of celebrities is pathetic to say the least - who cares is lindsay loahn gained a kg? I tend to stay away from all of it now), and so I didnt have a harsh opinion of him, but generally i think the world is full of hypocrits - they did the same thing when Hansie died.

Okay, rant for the day over. And out-ski. :)

getaway said...

My word peas,you've done it again!!

Totally with you on the three ave's to freedom from city blues. Totally. Its just so grey and mucky. Maybe the nakedness chanels a sense of naturalism in contrast to the unnatural feel of the city -

anyhow, personal growth is fun!!

Some tv add qualifies as tear jerker for me - and im not even sad. Quite fine actually. Strange?

Peas: i think you're emotionally stable, you know? Nothing wrong with that. As long as you're not emotionally handicapped. Sometimes a good'ol catharsis is all you need to feel human again-

Great blog, love the bat bit!!

Peas on Toast said...

All Hail & Secret - I garee about MJ, and how everyone looks at the guy through rose-tinted shades now that he's dead, I am to blame for that too.
I was sad, but when he was alive, I was still a fan of his music. Freaky deeky shit aside, of course.

Thanks so much getaway - your name is a SIGN, A SIGN! To getaway from the city and chill on a beach without a computer, without a phone, without grey muckiness, without clothes.... ;)

I think I'm emotionally stable, sometimes I do feel stunted though. Like I used to be seriously reactive to sad shit happening, but now, I can't even cry!

getaway said...

hahahaha you need some time out, suncream and a beach. Free spirited souls cannot be contained by cities and such!!

I feel you. I need to be barefoot.

What happend to your idea to have a rum stand on the lapping shores of somefin tropical??

That french synic get to you


Peas on Toast said...

getaway - oh no it's still a plan. Once I have overcome the slight passport obstacle and have married someone for their EU.

Not a hard task at all :)

Monkigirl said...

What, no mention of Bastille day? ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - oh dear god, I FORGOT!


Monkigirl said...

Did you know (you probably do) that all of France's Military prowess is currently invested in white flag factories?

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - I certainly didn't! Fuck!

I feel like ze trickling of ancestral Franchness I supposedly have is fading away!


Revolving Credit said...

If you join a gym you can run around naked in the sauna where it's nice and warm.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - or just use the stepoping machine right? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

* stepping

Revolving Credit said...

Well if it's a ladies only sauna naked is ok, but but going bare-assed on the cardio circuit may cause more of a cardio workout for some members than they were planning on.